tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13658037649020647422024-03-13T20:15:44.295-07:00Toronto Holistic Therapy InformationConnecting Eastern Philosophy with Western PsychotherapyHolistic Counselhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07567539006834731104noreply@blogger.comBlogger91125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1365803764902064742.post-34055478559957677872021-11-23T05:55:00.000-08:002021-11-23T05:55:12.241-08:00Easy Ways to De-stress<p> </p><p class="MsoNormal"><br /></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Carrie Demers, MD<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-no-proof: yes;"><br /><!--[endif]--></span></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh-IfRP6Gv9wGWfpuTqkShrMHh3yLPrOiOV_eTprumdpi3B_-2MtEmm6MwC1FsjxPxXDwWPWKqrH0yXTrMm_q7b_D-Vct8KmMzFO44a38wlXvlBxJ_N8ZLCgtzoqVE3vLB3syw6WPgX5zc/s880/Ripples+in+water.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="514" data-original-width="880" height="257" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh-IfRP6Gv9wGWfpuTqkShrMHh3yLPrOiOV_eTprumdpi3B_-2MtEmm6MwC1FsjxPxXDwWPWKqrH0yXTrMm_q7b_D-Vct8KmMzFO44a38wlXvlBxJ_N8ZLCgtzoqVE3vLB3syw6WPgX5zc/w440-h257/Ripples+in+water.png" width="440" /></a></div><br /><o:p></o:p><p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Here’s a short list of easy ways to blow off steam, relax,
and de-stress no matter how little time you have. Tap into these simple,
common-sense approaches to bring yourself back into balance whether you are frustrated
with a situation at work, facing a problem at home, tired from being on the go
all day, or just need to gain some perspective.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">This list offers proven techniques for unwinding: humor,
playfulness, movement, music, connecting with nature, relaxation exercises,
writing, and gratitude. Try a few and let us know which are your favorites—or
tell us if you have other ways of managing your stress and nourishing your
mind, body, or emotions after a hard day or a tough week.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><b>When you have less than a minute:<o:p></o:p></b></p>
<ol start="1" style="margin-top: 0cm;" type="1">
<li class="MsoNormal" style="mso-list: l1 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list 36.0pt;">Take
5 or 6 slow, deep, diaphragmatic breaths. Imagine you are exhaling stress
and inhaling energy.<o:p></o:p></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="mso-list: l1 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list 36.0pt;">Sit
up straight, smile, and think of three things to be grateful for today—<i>really</i> grateful
for.<o:p></o:p></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="mso-list: l1 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list 36.0pt;">Spend
a moment immersed in a memory of a time when you felt completely relaxed
and happy.<o:p></o:p></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="mso-list: l1 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list 36.0pt;">Sip
some chamomile tea—it’s been proven to soothe ruffled nerves.<o:p></o:p></li>
</ol>
<p class="MsoNormal">Think of three things to be grateful for today.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><b>When you can take a 10-minute break:<o:p></o:p></b></p>
<ol start="1" style="margin-top: 0cm;" type="1">
<li class="MsoNormal" style="mso-list: l4 level1 lfo2; tab-stops: list 36.0pt;">Go
for a brisk walk or climb some stairs.<o:p></o:p></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="mso-list: l4 level1 lfo2; tab-stops: list 36.0pt;">Dance
to music you love! (In your house, behind closed doors if you prefer.)<o:p></o:p></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="mso-list: l4 level1 lfo2; tab-stops: list 36.0pt;">Do a
few gentle stretches, shoulder rolls, and twists to loosen up tight
muscles.<o:p></o:p></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="mso-list: l4 level1 lfo2; tab-stops: list 36.0pt;">List
five things that are positive or potentially funny about a situation that
has you worried or upset.<o:p></o:p></li>
</ol>
<p class="MsoNormal"><b>When you can take a 20-minute break:<o:p></o:p></b></p>
<ol start="1" style="margin-top: 0cm;" type="1">
<li class="MsoNormal" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo3; tab-stops: list 36.0pt;">Unwind
by elevating your legs: Lie on your back with your calves on a couch or a
chair so there is about a 90-degree bend at your hips and knees. Rest and
focus on relaxing your breath; 20 minutes in this “constructive rest”
position is equal to a 2-hour nap.<o:p></o:p></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo3; tab-stops: list 36.0pt;">Take
a walk in nature (under some trees or by a body of water, if possible).
Breathe the fresh air and connect with the rhythms of nature.<o:p></o:p></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo3; tab-stops: list 36.0pt;">Play
a musical instrument you enjoy.<o:p></o:p></li>
</ol>
<p class="MsoNormal"><b>20 minutes before bed:<o:p></o:p></b></p>
<ol start="1" style="margin-top: 0cm;" type="1">
<li class="MsoNormal" style="mso-list: l3 level1 lfo4; tab-stops: list 36.0pt;">Turn
off the computer, television, tablet, and smartphone, and go outside and
look at the stars.<o:p></o:p></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="mso-list: l3 level1 lfo4; tab-stops: list 36.0pt;">Soak
in a hot bath.<o:p></o:p></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="mso-list: l3 level1 lfo4; tab-stops: list 36.0pt;">Journal
about your day.<o:p></o:p></li>
</ol>
<p class="MsoNormal"><b>Once in a while make time to spend an afternoon, evening,
or whole day on one of these activities:<o:p></o:p></b></p>
<ol start="1" style="margin-top: 0cm;" type="1">
<li class="MsoNormal" style="mso-list: l2 level1 lfo5; tab-stops: list 36.0pt;">Indulge
in an at-home spa bath: put on soft music, light some candles, pour some
scented bath salts in your tub, and enjoy a long soak in hot water.<o:p></o:p></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="mso-list: l2 level1 lfo5; tab-stops: list 36.0pt;">Get
a massage.<o:p></o:p></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="mso-list: l2 level1 lfo5; tab-stops: list 36.0pt;">Try
an exercise class: dance, yoga, spinning, Zumba.<o:p></o:p></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="mso-list: l2 level1 lfo5; tab-stops: list 36.0pt;">Learn
something new: cooking, drawing, flower arranging, take up a musical
instrument, or join a chorus.<o:p></o:p></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="mso-list: l2 level1 lfo5; tab-stops: list 36.0pt;">Make
time for arts that inspire you. Go to a gallery, a play, or a concert.<o:p></o:p></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="mso-list: l2 level1 lfo5; tab-stops: list 36.0pt;">Play
like a kid (or, even better, with a kid): spend time with a favorite
activity from your childhood.<o:p></o:p></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="mso-list: l2 level1 lfo5; tab-stops: list 36.0pt;">Get
outside and connect with nature. Take a long hike or go to the beach (or
ice skating or snowshoeing, depending on the season).<o:p></o:p></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="mso-list: l2 level1 lfo5; tab-stops: list 36.0pt;">Socialize:
spend time with good friends.<o:p></o:p></li>
</ol>
<p class="MsoNormal">Try a few, and see which ones helped you de-stress!<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> <o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">ABOUT THE TEACHER<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><a href="https://www.himalayaninstitute.org/presenter/carrie-demers/"><span style="color: windowtext; mso-no-proof: yes; text-decoration: none; text-underline: none;"><!--[if gte vml 1]><v:shape id="Picture_x0020_4" o:spid="_x0000_i1025"
type="#_x0000_t75" alt="Carrie Demers, MD"
href="https://www.himalayaninstitute.org/presenter/carrie-demers/" style='width:262.5pt;
height:262.5pt;visibility:visible;mso-wrap-style:square' o:button="t">
<v:fill o:detectmouseclick="t"/>
<v:imagedata src="file:///C:/Users/Ken/AppData/Local/Temp/msohtmlclip1/01/clip_image003.jpg"
o:title="Carrie Demers, MD"/>
</v:shape><![endif]--><!--[if !vml]--></span></a></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjSh_SuYM1iohoM54X-ZsCJhGLYEsgLUhhVZqSX72qtctl8nyeyo5io0mVxKMyO1d3D4SyWf7bFRRo844VqvY6zC3N_sqQoWuy5nHZ8U2UsrZqVyI7d0_GMLJm_1-9ZNg_essAdzuVEK6g/s350/Dr+Demers.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="350" data-original-width="350" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjSh_SuYM1iohoM54X-ZsCJhGLYEsgLUhhVZqSX72qtctl8nyeyo5io0mVxKMyO1d3D4SyWf7bFRRo844VqvY6zC3N_sqQoWuy5nHZ8U2UsrZqVyI7d0_GMLJm_1-9ZNg_essAdzuVEK6g/s320/Dr+Demers.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br /><br /><o:p></o:p><p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><br /></p><p class="MsoNormal"><br /></p><p class="MsoNormal"><br /></p><p class="MsoNormal"><br /></p><p class="MsoNormal"><br /></p><p class="MsoNormal"><br /></p><p class="MsoNormal"><br /></p><p class="MsoNormal"><br /></p><p class="MsoNormal"><br /></p><p class="MsoNormal"><a href="https://www.himalayaninstitute.org/presenter/carrie-demers/">Carrie
Demers, MD</a><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">show full bio<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Board-certified in both internal medicine and integrative
medicine, Carrie Demers, MD, is a holistic physician who blends modern medicine
with traditional approaches to health. After receiving her medical degree from
the University of Cincinnati, Dr. Demers went on to study massage, homeopathy,
nutrition, herbal medicine, yoga, and ayurveda. She has been the medical
director of the Himalayan Institute PureRejuv Wellness Center (formerly Total
Health Center) for the last 20 years. Widely recognized for her expertise, Dr.
Demers has been interviewed by numerous magazines and newspapers, and lectures
nationally on holistic health and ayurveda. She is a frequent contributor
to <a href="http://yogainternational.com/" target="_blank">yogainternational.com</a> and
the Himalayan Institute online <a href="https://www.himalayaninstitute.org/wisdom-library/">Wisdom Library</a>.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Ayurveda<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><b><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN;">Ayurveda</span></b><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN;"> (</span><a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Help:IPA/English" title="Help:IPA/English"><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN;">/ˌɑːjʊərˈveɪdə, -ˈviː-/</span></a><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN;">) is an </span><a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alternative_medicine"><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN;">alternative medicine</span></a><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN;"> system with historical roots in the Indian
subcontinent. The theory and practice of Ayurveda is </span><a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pseudoscience" title="Pseudoscience"><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN;">pseudoscientific</span></a><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN;">. The </span><a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Indian_Medical_Association" title="Indian Medical Association"><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN;">Indian
Medical Association</span></a><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN;"> labels
Ayurvedic practitioners who claim to practice </span><a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Medicine" title="Medicine"><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN;">medicine</span></a><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN;"> as </span><a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Quackery" title="Quackery"><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN;">quacks</span></a><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN;">. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Ayurveda is heavily practiced in India and
Nepal, where around 80% of the population report using it. <o:p></o:p></span></p>Holistic Counselhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07567539006834731104noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1365803764902064742.post-10269712807779764032021-10-19T13:41:00.002-07:002021-10-19T13:41:53.543-07:00From Chaos to Calm Part 1<p> </p><p class="MsoNormal"></p><p class="MsoNormal">Carrie Demers, MD<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">August 19, 2019<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-no-proof: yes;"><br /><!--[endif]--></span></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiW6Bh0ea45o679hkEXKxT9rxOzVv1D6MPlF0Wgz_q5H8rwTWK7_7FtkaktWGu2GDeLrV23fIPydrg9CqpIKnXQrXbPsYOupIDfmADds57B1g6zj1k-Ytuf7buffaGQgValIL-utZiDix0/s880/Sunset+at+sea.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="514" data-original-width="880" height="325" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiW6Bh0ea45o679hkEXKxT9rxOzVv1D6MPlF0Wgz_q5H8rwTWK7_7FtkaktWGu2GDeLrV23fIPydrg9CqpIKnXQrXbPsYOupIDfmADds57B1g6zj1k-Ytuf7buffaGQgValIL-utZiDix0/w557-h325/Sunset+at+sea.jpg" width="557" /></a></div><br /><o:p></o:p><p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Remember the tale “The Lady or the Tiger?” As it ends, the
hero is standing before two identical doors: one conceals a beautiful maiden;
the other, a ferocious tiger. He must open one of the doors—the choice is
his—but he has no way of knowing which will bring forth the lady and which will
unleash the tiger.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I am sometimes reminded of this story when a patient is
describing one of the symptoms of chronic stress: headaches, indigestion,
ulcers, tight muscles, high blood pressure, or some combination of these. When
I point out that the symptom is stress-related, the patient seems
resigned—stress is such a constant in most people’s lives that all the doors
seem to have tigers lurking behind them. Most people who find their way to my
office know the fight-or-flight response is hardwired into our nervous system,
and many have come to accept a constant feeling of tension as normal, even
inevitable.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Like the hero in the story, we have a choice.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">It isn’t. Like the hero in the story, we have a choice.
There is another response to the challenges of everyday living—another
door—also hardwired into our nervous system. And unlike the hero, whose destiny
rests with chance, we can discover which door is which. A general understanding
of how the nervous system responds to stress, coupled with training in three
simple techniques, makes it possible for us to distinguish one door from the
other. Practicing these techniques gives us the power to open the lady’s door while
keeping the tiger’s door firmly closed.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><b><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Unleashing
the Tiger<o:p></o:p></span></b></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">The autonomic nervous system controls the body’s involuntary
processes: respiratory rate, heart rate, blood pressure, gastric juice
secretion, peristalsis, body temperature, and so on. It has two main branches:
sympathetic and parasympathetic. When we feel stressed, our brain activates the
sympathetic nervous system—the fight-or-flight response we’ve all heard so much
about. This response causes the adrenal medulla to secrete adrenaline, a hormone
that circulates in the bloodstream affecting almost every organ.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Adrenaline revs up the body to survive a threat to life and
limb: The heart pumps faster and harder, causing blood pressure to spike and
respiration to increase and move primarily into the chest. Airways dilate to
bring more oxygen into the body; blood sugar rises to provide a ready supply of
fuel; some blood vessels constrict to shunt blood away from the skin and the
core of the body, while others dilate to bring more blood to the brain and
limbs.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">The result? A body pumped up to fight or run and a
hyper-alert mind. When we find ourselves face-to-face with a tiger, this stress
response dramatically increases our chances of surviving. Once the threat has
passed, our sympathetic nervous system calms down and homeostasis is re-established.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgDkk_zrOgGhpaofV4U68mg-UB-lqZ0hpwNBW7E4URBTX22A5ZEvQAxB0f_R3mxbff0qRjsOE0vTE4z6kVZx_dN3WvAL_Xi6VoTk57vXZigx-5syuFRiHwRdT9NSeLrWO3sorSmV-FdEss/s880/Tiger.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="257" data-original-width="880" height="154" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgDkk_zrOgGhpaofV4U68mg-UB-lqZ0hpwNBW7E4URBTX22A5ZEvQAxB0f_R3mxbff0qRjsOE0vTE4z6kVZx_dN3WvAL_Xi6VoTk57vXZigx-5syuFRiHwRdT9NSeLrWO3sorSmV-FdEss/w532-h154/Tiger.jpg" width="532" /></a></div><p class="MsoNormal">We need mild sympathetic nervous system stimulation to get
us out of bed in the morning, to focus, to plan. We need a bit more to speak or
perform in front of a group, for example, but we need it at full throttle only
to meet a life-threatening situation. The problem is that many of us have lost
our capacity to regulate our fight-or-flight reaction, and full-throttle
activation is almost constant. The source of our stress is psychological rather
than physical—a perception that something crucial to us is threatened. We worry
about the future, our jobs, our relationships, our finances, or getting stuck
in traffic, but even though the perceived threat is psychological, it triggers
the archaic survival response.</p><o:p></o:p><p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">We find ourselves in a constant state of tension.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">The upshot? We find ourselves in a constant state of
tension, poised to fight or flee, with stress hormones washing through our
bodies almost continuously. You can see the consequence if you consider what
happens when adrenaline floods the body: elevated blood pressure, rapid shallow
breathing, high blood sugar, and indigestion. Adrenaline makes our platelets
stickier, so our blood will clot quickly if we are wounded, which increases our
chances of surviving a physical injury. However, chronically sticky platelets
are apt to clot and create blockages in our arteries, thus setting the stage
for a heart attack or stroke.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">The damage doesn’t end there. When we are constantly in
fight-or-flight mode, the adrenal cortex secretes cortisol, a steroid whose job
is to help us adapt to a prolonged emergency by ensuring that we have enough
fuel. Cortisol acts on the liver and muscle tissues, causing them to synthesize
sugars (glucose) and fats and release them into the bloodstream. Excess sugar
in the bloodstream leads to diabetes, and excess fat to high cholesterol/high
triglycerides. Both conditions boost our chances of developing heart disease.
Cortisol has been the focus of a lot of research on stress in the last decade
and is now linked to multiple disease states including insulin resistance and
diabetes, osteoporosis, thyroid dysfunction, and even memory loss.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Sounds grim, doesn’t it? It is. A chronically activated
sympathetic nervous system keeps the body under constant pressure. If we ignore
the early warning symptoms—tight shoulders, digestive upset, recurring
headaches, a tendency to lose our temper or become easily upset—sooner or later
the tiger will tear us up.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Rather than living under the tyranny of a ramped-up
sympathetic nervous system, we can learn to trigger the parasympathetic system
instead—the rest-and-digest response. Just as the fight-or-flight response
automatically kicks in when danger threatens, the rest-and-digest response
automatically responds to our sense of equilibrium. When it is activated, our
heart rate drops, our blood pressure falls, and our respiration slows and
deepens. Blood flow to the core of the body is re established—this promotes
good digestion, supports the immune system, and infuses us with a sense of
well-being.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-no-proof: yes;"><br /><!--[endif]--></span></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjhc4DSFUffG_HPqh5dEcRMKJU6qnoMRtrC5L3PySxXPzlI92PjRF8X2z12Psnkw3FZJkALTlug6Q4Fg7r46ejlnzN1Wt6JpOcJpF5SCs_QH8Ptmyu1S3KgeSGRm8LxEQkdwr_weOHP-8s/s880/Two+Girls.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="257" data-original-width="880" height="149" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjhc4DSFUffG_HPqh5dEcRMKJU6qnoMRtrC5L3PySxXPzlI92PjRF8X2z12Psnkw3FZJkALTlug6Q4Fg7r46ejlnzN1Wt6JpOcJpF5SCs_QH8Ptmyu1S3KgeSGRm8LxEQkdwr_weOHP-8s/w512-h149/Two+Girls.jpg" width="512" /></a></div><br /><o:p></o:p><p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">We enter this state unconsciously when we’re enjoying a
vacation, in the throes of a hearty laugh, or in deep sleep. It feels good, and
it offers a much-needed respite from the hectic pace we set for ourselves. But,
unfortunately, we have come to accept stress as the norm and to expect the
feeling of relaxed well-being to come about only sporadically—and so it does.
We release the tiger a dozen times a day, even though the other door is also
there in every moment. Once we learn to open it at will, we can override the
harmful habit of triggering our stress response, by activating the
rest-and-digest component of our nervous system instead.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><b><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Meeting
the Lady<o:p></o:p></span></b></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I use a variety of natural therapies in my medical practice
to minimize chronic stress. The three that are simplest and most accessible are
exercise, diaphragmatic breathing, and relaxation. Exercise generally loosens
physical tension and dissipates the pent-up energy that the stress response
fosters. Deep breathing and systematic relaxation nourish and strengthen the
parasympathetic nervous system, so that the rest-and-digest response is
activated and in time becomes our normal mode. With that in mind, let’s look at
some ways we can open Door Number Two.<o:p></o:p></p>... to be continued<p></p><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><br />Holistic Counselhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07567539006834731104noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1365803764902064742.post-3268718394422932672021-03-15T06:00:00.001-07:002021-03-15T06:00:07.632-07:00Three Steps To Boost Critical Thinking<p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgQ0uDgOqfl5mkVV7Fv29oN_2EU3AFOuZpwIL9s6fMcBC9EJqN4Fed91Lx-_nSp0QmEfPuWMjZEU-_ARdy5nTSDUjdcZqTAq-9tP9l5S0fmvYNYTeBsHZDrzCDLHVHky99nmBUrbm_Q3r0/s1500/critical-thinking.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1000" data-original-width="1500" height="263" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgQ0uDgOqfl5mkVV7Fv29oN_2EU3AFOuZpwIL9s6fMcBC9EJqN4Fed91Lx-_nSp0QmEfPuWMjZEU-_ARdy5nTSDUjdcZqTAq-9tP9l5S0fmvYNYTeBsHZDrzCDLHVHky99nmBUrbm_Q3r0/w395-h263/critical-thinking.png" width="395" /></a></div><br /> <i>“The eye sees only what the mind is prepared to
comprehend.”</i><p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><i>Henri Bergson<o:p></o:p></i></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Leaders know the importance of critical thinking, especially
during times of crisis. The pandemic requires that leaders provide thoughtful
and informed direction, helping guide their team forward even when the way
ahead looks uncertain. <o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Although you know your team looks to you for leadership, you
may be struggling to think clearly during these tumultuous times. Some experts
call it a “brain fog,” as your attention becomes limited and you look for
threats.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Fortunately, you can emerge from the fog and lead your team
well. You can start by following three steps to improve your critical thinking,
as outlined by leadership writer and TEDx speaker, Tanveer Naseer. <o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Plan for thinking time. As your work schedule and location
shifted over the past few months, you may have gotten sidetracked. You can get
back on track by scheduling time specifically for thinking. Working from home
gives you more control over your day, but you also must contend with many more
distractions. Naseer encourages leaders to block off thinking time in their
calendars. And he advises professionals schedule time for exercise as well, so
they are not stationed in front of a laptop all day. <o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Take a walk for quiet time. Sometimes, all you need to clear
your mind is to get outside for a walk. Naseer says getting out of your office
for a walk is an important way to boost your critical thinking skills during
the pandemic. When you take a walk, you give yourself a quiet space to think
and reflect. You also give yourself a change of scenery, which does wonders for
your mental health. At the very least, he says it gives you a break from
reading the latest news around the coronavirus. See if you can schedule just 10
minutes a day to get some fresh air and walk around your block or office
building. <o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgQi1LuHWL0dpNvKPDrpJyth9hKdXcVow1_nhLL-0zNkjh0vkgyDbdp4wuzuQ3OOc-A1XuJqWCY2GD83KekLmUWdwEhHLWForuL_-yiVEjh0jBU6Gdinhe8VoAbZHrHvWmZAjuQ2frPzn0/s2048/critical+thinking2.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1213" data-original-width="2048" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgQi1LuHWL0dpNvKPDrpJyth9hKdXcVow1_nhLL-0zNkjh0vkgyDbdp4wuzuQ3OOc-A1XuJqWCY2GD83KekLmUWdwEhHLWForuL_-yiVEjh0jBU6Gdinhe8VoAbZHrHvWmZAjuQ2frPzn0/s320/critical+thinking2.jpeg" width="320" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div>Breathe deeply. There is truth behind the phrase “take a
deep breath” when you are upset about something. Naseer says breathing deeply
really does make a difference in how you feel and think, both of which can
impact your critical thinking skills. He notes that researchers at Northwestern
University conducted a series of experiments that demonstrated that inhaling
through the nose stimulates brain areas associated with memory processing and
decision-making more than inhaling through the mouth. When you inhale through
your nose when absorbing new information, you can actually better retain that
information.<o:p></o:p><p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Critical thinking is necessary to be the best leader for
your sales team. While no one knows when the global pandemic will end, you can
take steps now to guide your team through the weeks and months ahead. Be sure
to give yourself time every day to think. Do not let a busy schedule get in the
way of your planned thinking time. It’s also a good idea to step away from your
laptop occasionally to take a walk. And always remember to breathe deeply. It
can help you reset and retain information.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Compiled by Audrey Sellers<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Source: Tanveer Naseer is an internationally acclaimed
leadership and TEDx speaker, award-winning leadership writer, and principal and
founder of Tanveer Naseer Leadership.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></p><br />Holistic Counselhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07567539006834731104noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1365803764902064742.post-1594687337023725942021-03-01T06:30:00.001-08:002021-03-01T06:30:05.349-08:00Simple Ways To End Each Workday On A Positive Note<p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgFKt0FVSf262bpFcpOdujv40vk1nkCfm7Hak3luNTHbtctq-B_DN0CZgnpQ4DuGyn8Db_y43DrD4S9FQpRbJnFcavduD-PyVRwfMtVxUqnrxDknUaWkAEfd-qw8z_LC9TuDMDk6gM742I/s800/believe-yourself-don-t-give-up-hold-stay-positive-motivational-inspirational-quotes-positive-messages-sticky-notes-164249978.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="546" data-original-width="800" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgFKt0FVSf262bpFcpOdujv40vk1nkCfm7Hak3luNTHbtctq-B_DN0CZgnpQ4DuGyn8Db_y43DrD4S9FQpRbJnFcavduD-PyVRwfMtVxUqnrxDknUaWkAEfd-qw8z_LC9TuDMDk6gM742I/s320/believe-yourself-don-t-give-up-hold-stay-positive-motivational-inspirational-quotes-positive-messages-sticky-notes-164249978.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br /> <p></p><p class="MsoNormal"><i>“If you don’t like something, change it. If you can’t
change it, change your attitude.” <o:p></o:p></i></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><i>Maya Angelou<o:p></o:p></i></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Even when you love your job, some days are difficult. You
may have had to make a tough staffing decision. Or maybe you didn’t win the
client you had been working so hard to land. When you carry those stresses and
negative emotions with you at the end of the workday, it becomes difficult to
experience true joy and fulfillment. <o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">That’s why Abby Wolfe, a content marketing expert, advises
professionals to close each day on a positive note. Just as you make a plan to
start your day, you should also approach the end of your workday with
intention. <o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Run through your achievements. Taking just five minutes to
review what you accomplished in the workday is a powerful habit, says Wolfe. By
reflecting on your daily victories, you can build your confidence and assess
your strengths. If you felt like you did not have a productive day, looking
back on what you made happen can help provide a feel-good boost to carry you
into your evening or weekend. Even if you did not check off all the items on
your to-do list, give yourself credit for showing up anyway. Don’t dwell on
those items you still need to get done. <o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Do some prep for the next workday. Before you end your
workday, spend a few minutes writing out the tasks and goals you need to
accomplish next. Think about upcoming meetings that you may need to prep for or
important deadlines coming up. By simply acknowledging what you need to do next,
you can lighten your mental burden. You no longer have to stay awake mulling
over what you need to do because you have already noted the important projects
and meetings coming up next. <o:p></o:p></p>
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<p class="MsoNormal">Tidy up your space. Whether you are working at home or you
have returned to the office, keeping a clean workspace can help you end the
workday happy. When you organize your files, wash those coffee cups that may
have stacked up and tidy up the things on your desk, it’s like tying up the
loose ends of your day with a bow, says Wolfe.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>When your space is clean, you won’t end the day feeling like you have
forgotten something. <o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Schedule things you enjoy. Wolfe notes that happiness
doesn’t just come to you – you have to invest the effort to find happiness.
This means making time to do things that make you happy, whether that’s
penciling in a phone call with a friend or unwinding with 30 minutes yoga at
the end of the day. When you know you have something enjoyable to look forward
to, you bring happiness into your life before you actually do the thing that
sparks joy. <o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Don’t let difficult days at work derail you. You have
control over how you think about your day and how you prepare for the next one.
Use the tips above to infuse more positivity into your days, no matter what
your workday looked like. <o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><br /></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Compiled by Audrey Sellers <o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Source: Abby Wolfe is a content management and marketing
professional living in Portland, Maine. Her career and health-focused writing
has been featured on The Muse, Trello, Cove and more.<o:p></o:p></p>Holistic Counselhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07567539006834731104noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1365803764902064742.post-20388938731728492262021-02-15T05:45:00.019-08:002021-02-15T05:45:01.326-08:00Helpful Ways To Manage Stress And Avoid Burnout<p> </p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg85RlmInvOKb0NzDJL-8vMiw1Bj5NtDsrBfW3FLUWCwGdP0-NCkcYa6I1XLM_xaBaxRpl5lrDbWhX4yF07-rzOsvENg-_uYSDM9FtYbvQSlIaMYyrCpIyRynIZpLiJm_5VgBUZT7wBfwo/s1429/slow+down.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="971" data-original-width="1429" height="296" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg85RlmInvOKb0NzDJL-8vMiw1Bj5NtDsrBfW3FLUWCwGdP0-NCkcYa6I1XLM_xaBaxRpl5lrDbWhX4yF07-rzOsvENg-_uYSDM9FtYbvQSlIaMYyrCpIyRynIZpLiJm_5VgBUZT7wBfwo/w436-h296/slow+down.jpg" width="436" /></a></div><p></p><p><!--[if !mso]>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="Table Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" Name="Placeholder Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="1" QFormat="true" Name="No Spacing"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2"/>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3"/>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid"/>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" Name="Revision"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="34" QFormat="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="29" QFormat="true" Name="Quote"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="30" QFormat="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 2"/>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 2"/>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 3"/>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="19" QFormat="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="21" QFormat="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="33" QFormat="true" Name="Book Title"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="37" SemiHidden="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="45" Name="Plain Table 5"/>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="List Table 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="List Table 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="List Table 5 Dark"/>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="List Table 4 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="List Table 5 Dark Accent 2"/>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="List Table 4 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="List Table 5 Dark Accent 3"/>
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Name="List Table 6 Colorful Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="List Table 1 Light Accent 6"/>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="List Table 3 Accent 6"/>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="List Table 5 Dark Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="List Table 6 Colorful Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="List Table 7 Colorful Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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</w:LatentStyles>
</xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 10]>
<style>
/* Style Definitions */
table.MsoNormalTable
{mso-style-name:"Table Normal";
mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0;
mso-tstyle-colband-size:0;
mso-style-noshow:yes;
mso-style-priority:99;
mso-style-parent:"";
mso-padding-alt:0cm 5.4pt 0cm 5.4pt;
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</p><p class="MsoNormal"><i>"Believe in yourself, trust your gut and surround
yourself with resilient people who inspire you to be better." </i></p><i>
</i><p class="MsoNormal"><i>Monique Hicks</i></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Maybe you have a colleague or a family member who remains
calm no matter what. Even in the face of persistent and overwhelming stress,
they somehow manage to keep their stress under control. What gives? According
to the "Leading Through Burnout" study, it comes down to one thing:
emotional intelligence (EI).</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Kandi Wiens, Ed.D., an executive coach, national speaker and
organizational change consultant, and Annie McKee, the director of the PennCLO
Executive Doctoral Program, say that EI supports superior coping abilities and
helps people deal with chronic stress and prevent burnout.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">In this issue, we share
advice from Dr. Wiens and McKee on how to better manage stress and avoid
burnout. </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Don't be the source of your stress. Too many of us create
our own stress, with its full bodily response, merely by thinking about or
anticipating future episodes or encounters that might be stressful, say Dr.
Wiens and McKee. People who have a high need to achieve or perfectionist
tendencies may be more prone to creating their own stress. Dr. Wiens and McKee
found in their research that leaders who are attuned to the pressures they put
on themselves are better able to control their stress level. </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Recognize your limitations. Becoming more aware of your
strengths and weaknesses will clue you in to where you need help. In their
study, Dr. Wiens and McKee discovered that those who recognized when demands
were outweighing their abilities didn't go it alone—they surrounded themselves
with trusted advisors and asked for help.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjZ0lYuR5KypKMVbUJWqLexbZT-4595Qm4f0oC-yTHqyG8wZI6bQFZagCYbjCTgFm1kNAjtNe5uqCUNhKa1xKUnoAXFilG5tZCMXTI2TGTSnjfFkcw2FcCaCXphERIri08FLf7JVxMNVJA/s1024/Work+Life.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="650" data-original-width="1024" height="264" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjZ0lYuR5KypKMVbUJWqLexbZT-4595Qm4f0oC-yTHqyG8wZI6bQFZagCYbjCTgFm1kNAjtNe5uqCUNhKa1xKUnoAXFilG5tZCMXTI2TGTSnjfFkcw2FcCaCXphERIri08FLf7JVxMNVJA/w416-h264/Work+Life.jpg" width="416" /></a></div><br />Take deep breaths. When you feel your tension and anxiety
rapidly rising, take a moment to breathe. Mindfulness practices help us deal
with immediate stressors and long-term difficulties. Practicing mindfulness
allows you to be more open to other solutions so you don't have to waste time
in defense mode. Heightening your awareness of your breathing may be difficult
at first, note Dr. Wiens and McKee, but remember that attention is the ultimate
act of self-control.<p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Re-evaluate your perspective of the situation. While you
can't change what's happening in the world right now, it helps to change your
perspective. When you shift your mindset, you might see that what once felt
like stress is a problem you want to solve.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Try putting yourself in the other person's shoes. Dr. Wiens
and McKee say that the stress from conflicts often leads to burnout so it's
best to deescalate conflicts when you can. Be inquisitive, ask questions and
listen deeply. Keep your attention to the other person and focus on what he is
trying to tell you. By seeking to understand his perspective, you'll be in a
much better position to gain his trust and influence him.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">By working to improve your emotional intelligence, you can
make significant strides in preventing burnout. Remember that improving EI
takes time, so be patient with yourself. </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Compiled by Audrey Sellers</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Source: Kandi Wiens, Ed.D. is an executive coach, national
speaker and organizational change consultant. Annie McKee is the director of
the PennCLO Executive Doctoral Program. She is also the author of How to Be
Happy at Work and a coauthor of Primal Leadership, Resonant Leadership and
Becoming a Resonant Leader.</p>
<p></p>Holistic Counselhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07567539006834731104noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1365803764902064742.post-11582379368299024562021-02-01T05:37:00.021-08:002021-02-01T05:37:04.432-08:00Learn To Avoid Burnout And Enjoy Time Off <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhZeop-UC4Jh8d6jQKa60W2-Bm-ZRcqDkrzpOwisB2GfpmO8sbPhovJTkCCHH27DviogDKLJK0qUU0_exAUGa0v6QkdzMhyphenhyphenspAvjqwSsebX8pc7SjiGkAmiHekjQmm_5DolsA5XY-VtYas/s1300/burnout.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1196" data-original-width="1300" height="357" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhZeop-UC4Jh8d6jQKa60W2-Bm-ZRcqDkrzpOwisB2GfpmO8sbPhovJTkCCHH27DviogDKLJK0qUU0_exAUGa0v6QkdzMhyphenhyphenspAvjqwSsebX8pc7SjiGkAmiHekjQmm_5DolsA5XY-VtYas/w389-h357/burnout.png" width="389" /></a></div><p class="MsoNormal"><i> "Almost everything will work again if you unplug it for
a few minutes, including you."</i></p><p><i>
</i></p><p class="MsoNormal"><i>Anne Lamott</i></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><b> </b></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">If you find it hard to step away from work, you're not
alone. For many professionals and business owners, the work never stops. While
you might think buckling down and working to get ahead is good for business, it
can also lead to burnout. When you're burned out, you can't deliver 100
percent. You might see yourself making mistakes or working slower than usual.
Beyond work, burnout can impact your overall health. You might lose sight of
good habits such as eating right, exercising and getting enough rest.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">David Rodeck, a Delaware-based copywriter, says it's
important to watch for signs of burnout, such as being overly critical or
feeling less excited to work. You also might find yourself reworking the same
task or losing focus, which are signs that you need a break. If you see
yourself heading down the path of burnout, don't despair. There are some ways to
turn it around so you can get back to enjoying all aspects of your life. </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">1. Take care of your body. Remember to exercise and eat
right. Your body is your most valuable piece of equipment, so make sure to
maintain it properly. Rodeck says that even when he's slammed with work, he
always makes time for a nightly walk. Otherwise, he runs into serious writer's
block. </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">2. Rethink your work goals. Could your work goals be too
ambitious? Maybe you're taking on too many projects or over-promising on the
delivery schedule. Personal time should be a set part of your calendar and
built into project expectations. </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgeeoIN3pAoO1ubN9tIxjaq8zH5k1sUkwPZdzEty2INxJOPbSP_fcI6RCWNiS95aXHhwj9wzmg_Sjs4eW6fLkfDPDOmG9xnjNuvaq9UnW0n1MXTkI8CJ6sCrTw1YRHm1VJ7b3rP-RVBrIM/s1600/avoid-burnout.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1000" data-original-width="1600" height="251" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgeeoIN3pAoO1ubN9tIxjaq8zH5k1sUkwPZdzEty2INxJOPbSP_fcI6RCWNiS95aXHhwj9wzmg_Sjs4eW6fLkfDPDOmG9xnjNuvaq9UnW0n1MXTkI8CJ6sCrTw1YRHm1VJ7b3rP-RVBrIM/w402-h251/avoid-burnout.jpg" width="402" /></a></div><br />3. Get enough sleep. Those quiet hours late at night or
early morning are a tempting opportunity to catch up on work, but this time
shouldn't be at expense of your sleep. The Mayo Clinic recommends seven to nine
hours of sleep per night for the typical adult. <p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">4. Learn to delegate. Whether it's passing work to
employees, bringing on a contractor/freelancer or outsourcing an entire project
to another firm, delegating will free up your time so you can relax and
concentrate only on your most important priorities and on those to which you
can bring the most value. </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">5. Focus on a positive future. When you're buried under
deadlines and other work problems, it can feel like a never-ending slog. But
Rodeck wants to remind leaders and sales professionals that they will get
through this and better days are coming soon. When something goes wrong, ask, "Will
I still be upset about this a year from now?" That can put things in
perspective. Practicing yoga and mindfulness can also help your mindset. </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">6. Take time off. Above all, prioritize taking time off. You
need those moments to recharge and enjoy the benefits of all your hard work. </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Commit to taking some time off to rest and recharge. You'll
do yourself—and your clients—a lot of good. </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Compiled by Audrey Sellers </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Source: David Rodeck is a financial copywriter based in
Delaware. Before writing full time, he was a financial advisor. </p>
<p></p><br />Holistic Counselhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07567539006834731104noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1365803764902064742.post-62016579121052714422021-01-18T05:43:00.020-08:002021-01-18T05:43:00.310-08:00Tips For Staying Productive When Working Remotely<p> </p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEibgBdcZ4xXy7jYoMLa64fPZgaONoRyXnEJRbx8GjyGPSyRMT461w0J8gJlUarSw-Wb_cfC-Gekuxwp5uJFFPY8BcRceSG0G8cy9pq4bWEFa7rDlmY6SMFM3__vloEIoAulwuUHfd5wwyc/s960/work.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="640" data-original-width="960" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEibgBdcZ4xXy7jYoMLa64fPZgaONoRyXnEJRbx8GjyGPSyRMT461w0J8gJlUarSw-Wb_cfC-Gekuxwp5uJFFPY8BcRceSG0G8cy9pq4bWEFa7rDlmY6SMFM3__vloEIoAulwuUHfd5wwyc/s320/work.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><p></p><p></p><p><!--[if !mso]>
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</p><p class="MsoNormal"><i>"Persistence – the ability to keep moving forward in
spite of difficulties." </i></p><i>
</i><p class="MsoNormal"><i>Byron Pulsifier</i></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">In the wake of COVID-19, most companies are requiring or
recommending that employees work from home for the foreseeable future. This
mandate can be stressful when you're used to working in a bustling office or
visiting with clients face to face. If you don't often work from home, it's
helpful to have a grasp on how to stay focused, engaged and productive.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">In this issue, we share some
advice from Patrick Lucas Austin, a technology columnist for TIME, on how to
succeed at working remotely. </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Location, location, location. Try to find yourself a
dedicated and comfortable spot to work that you can associate with your job and
leave when you're off the clock, recommends Austin. This means getting off the
couch and definitely out of bed. Try to set up a dedicated home office where
you can close the door and shut out distractions. To prevent spreading
COVID-19, avoid working from public places such as coffee shops.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Find a buddy. Just because you must work remotely doesn't
mean you must be socially disconnected. Austin points out that social
interactions — even with coworkers via Slack — can alleviate feelings of
isolation and loneliness. Find a colleague you can talk to or text when you're
feeling the need to chat with someone. Alternatively, buddy up with a friend
who works elsewhere and is going through the same experience. It's also helpful
to hop on a social video call.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Have a plan. When working alone, it's critical to keep a
more structured daily schedule than usual. When you go into an office, the
structure of your day is influenced by other people. Austin encourages
professionals who are working from home to schedule multiple breaks into their
day, whether it's playing with their dog or pausing to grab the day's mail. </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"></b></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj1jujWfdiK69o3f5fQaEAfC_iR2vDvtqfnAqWipY9VdtA-M1HBItuZ8tDO9Kq-5xlHRUPlxmv0g4q_87svNq_2A9uZBvGfy3c2ntRojvCca0qpBmWLfn1XA556GY01Xf0YrHCnasHlcpk/s284/work+remotely.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="177" data-original-width="284" height="222" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj1jujWfdiK69o3f5fQaEAfC_iR2vDvtqfnAqWipY9VdtA-M1HBItuZ8tDO9Kq-5xlHRUPlxmv0g4q_87svNq_2A9uZBvGfy3c2ntRojvCca0qpBmWLfn1XA556GY01Xf0YrHCnasHlcpk/w356-h222/work+remotely.png" width="356" /></a></b></div><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><br /></b>Consider how you're communicating. For clear communication,
go beyond email and use other digital tools that can better replicate the
in-person office experience. Look to tools such as videoconferencing services,
Slack or Zoom. You can also explore screen sharing to ensure members of your
team are on the same page. Austin also recommends boosting camaraderie and
bringing a smile during these difficult days with a remote lunch date. Invite
everyone on your team to enjoy a meal together via videoconferencing. It's a
way to connect with colleagues and help everyone still feel like part of the
team.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Remember everyone works differently. Managers should
remember that not every employee wants to work from home, which can make for a
stressful switch. Austin recommends that leaders communicate as much as
possible and help employees struggling with the change.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">If you're not used to working remotely, it can be a big
adjustment—for you and for your team. If you're grappling with the new remote
reality, it helps by making sure you have a dedicated spot to perform your job
and connect with your clients and team members. Then, be sure to stay connected
and have a plan for your day. Remember that it's a process. Give yourself—and
your team—some grace.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Compiled by Audrey Sellers </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Source: Patrick Lucas Austin is a technology columnist at
TIME. His work has also appeared in Complex, Gizmodo, The Wirecutter, Consumer
Reports and others.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></p>
<br /><p></p>Holistic Counselhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07567539006834731104noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1365803764902064742.post-67545202770736675932021-01-04T05:57:00.013-08:002021-01-04T05:57:00.373-08:00Powerful Principles For Navigating Through A Crisis<p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi4KmB24EYuHu-K9PTw0a7A59ElmHJw-hxSe_QLJMVqIiKQJxDDW_T1qutnK0i1SJmTyvy6fujE8kMSU1SwoFbxXpusflOU5mNHTmbRQLXL6EZiqUqRwpFZ0wZhh5XvQxaSet6sXkTcMcA/s690/compass-in-hand.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="460" data-original-width="690" height="282" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi4KmB24EYuHu-K9PTw0a7A59ElmHJw-hxSe_QLJMVqIiKQJxDDW_T1qutnK0i1SJmTyvy6fujE8kMSU1SwoFbxXpusflOU5mNHTmbRQLXL6EZiqUqRwpFZ0wZhh5XvQxaSet6sXkTcMcA/w424-h282/compass-in-hand.png" width="424" /></a></div><br /> <p></p><p><!--[if !mso]>
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</p><p class="MsoNormal"><i>"Start where you are. Use what you have. Do what you
can." </i></p><i>
</i><p class="MsoNormal"><i>Arthur Ashe</i></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">In these uncertain times, sales leaders and business owners
wonder how to make the best decisions, both at work and in their personal life.
While there's no scientific formula to follow, you can use a framework to lead
with ethical intelligence. </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Bruce Weinstein, a business ethics speaker and an author for
the Society of Corporate Compliance and Ethics, says now's the time to reflect
on some powerful principles that will help you navigate through the COVID-19
pandemic.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Principle No. 1: Do no harm. Physicians, nurses,
pharmacists, dentists and clinical social workers are taught in school,
"First, do no harm." Weinstein says this principle also applies to
professionals who don't work in healthcare. The best thing about this
principle, Weinstein says, is that it doesn't take anything to apply it. It is
a principle of restraint. You can apply this principle by following your
company's guidelines, as well as those of the government, by staying home now.
Weinstein says if you're carrying the virus but don't know it because you don't
have any symptoms and haven't been tested, you will be unwittingly violating
the "Do No Harm" principle by being out in the world. </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Principle No. 2: Make things better. Ethical leaders are
also committed to making things better during the pandemic. Consider Microsoft,
which donated $1 million toward the Puget Sound response fund. Microsoft is
doing this because it is the right thing to do. Weinstein says this is a great
example of how ethical leadership is good for its own sake and good for the
leader's company, too.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Principle No. 3: Respect others. According to Weinstein,
ethical leaders show respect for people by keeping their promises, telling the
truth and projecting confidentiality. When you work from home, there are more
distractions than you'll find in an office setting. There's no one watching to
keep you on track. All pose risks to the promises we've made to employers or
clients. Weinstein says promise-keeping is a two-way street. Companies that
lead with ethical intelligence do all they can to assist employees during a
crisis, including providing flexibility, when possible, with respect to
childcare and other crucial needs.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgnraw1lmg3r7Yk8AEPSzjjn8OQmoyJddgpbK775SkcLGquq5py5BDoVcz18nclhsTrqP5XLne7QNBj4NAkUJ4nlWtyQa0pWHbqiJqQwjMQPu_2IoAGQ3O_2G36xtse3q0ae4-y9u-oA3E/s852/respect.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="475" data-original-width="852" height="264" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgnraw1lmg3r7Yk8AEPSzjjn8OQmoyJddgpbK775SkcLGquq5py5BDoVcz18nclhsTrqP5XLne7QNBj4NAkUJ4nlWtyQa0pWHbqiJqQwjMQPu_2IoAGQ3O_2G36xtse3q0ae4-y9u-oA3E/w476-h264/respect.png" width="476" /></a></div>Think on this: What will you do to make sure you minimize
distractions at home and honor your promise to your employer or client? How are
you helping your company keep its promise to employees?<p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Principle No. 4: Be fair. Weinstein says that to be fair is
to give to others their due. Darden Restaurants, whose properties include Olive
Garden and other casual eateries, has established a paid sick-leave policy for
its 190,000 employees. In so doing, the leadership of Darden Restaurants is
displaying ethical intelligence. Not all companies are in a position to offer
such a benefit but those that can create incredible loyalty among employees. </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Think on this: What will you do to ensure that you're
treating your employees and customers fairly during the pandemic? What are you
doing in your personal life to be fair—such as when stocking up on supplies,
will you leave enough for others who need them, perhaps more than you do?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">It takes commitment and courage to live by these principles
every day. But when you do, you show that you're striving to make a difference
in a tumultuous time in history. </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Compiled by Audrey Sellers </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Source: As The Ethics Guy®, Bruce Weinstein's keynote
speeches, training programs, webinars and online courses help companies promote
ethical leadership at every level. The result is an engaged and satisfied
workforce, more and better clients, and a strategy for long-term financial
success. </p>
<p></p>Holistic Counselhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07567539006834731104noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1365803764902064742.post-69727809968958304462020-12-21T05:47:00.028-08:002020-12-21T05:47:03.664-08:00Five Tips For Dealing With Unexpected Change<p> </p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj0db-EjCVL2mtDLqP-9NjWCAAyPCL8QjnrbS6moB0uDXKIVajgO_yg1EJrUXUH57o4-9pw19-mRb472lI7kVtCQzJnqU7EGVWfWuK58lmpiQjB_3Hty94MQW2qhyzCzUSz7snLxRuT9Sg/s383/Unexpected+change.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="383" data-original-width="255" height="419" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj0db-EjCVL2mtDLqP-9NjWCAAyPCL8QjnrbS6moB0uDXKIVajgO_yg1EJrUXUH57o4-9pw19-mRb472lI7kVtCQzJnqU7EGVWfWuK58lmpiQjB_3Hty94MQW2qhyzCzUSz7snLxRuT9Sg/w279-h419/Unexpected+change.jpg" width="279" /></a></div><p></p><p><!--[if !mso]>
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</p><p class="MsoNormal"><i>"New beginnings are often disguised as painful
endings." </i></p><i>
</i><p class="MsoNormal"><i>Lao Tzu</i></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Seasons of change are understandably challenging, especially
when the change is unexpected. It's one thing to know that change is coming,
and you have time to prepare yourself and your team. It's totally different
when you're caught by surprise. </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Author and speaker Karima Mariama-Arthur says that your
perception of change influences your response to it. How you view change can
lead to a positive or negative outcome. In this issue. we share Mariama-Arthur's guidance on what to do when change happens and
you must pivot with it. </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">1.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Acknowledge that
the change is the new normal. Denying the existence of change doesn't do any
good. The most rewarding course of action is to acknowledge its presence and
effect on our way of life, says Mariama-Arthur. In the new TED Talk called
Coronavirus Is Our Future, global health expert Alanna Shaikh shares insights
on the global pandemic in a straightforward and approachable way. She makes
clear that our collective, human experience is the new normal. She urges that
while we cannot escape the multi-faceted impact of this crisis, we can admit
our vulnerability to it and acknowledge its influence on our global ecosystem. </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">2.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Explore your
feelings about the change. Mariama-Arthur says it's important to sit with your
thoughts as you navigate change. Becoming intimately acquainted with what you
feel will help you see things clearly and make better decisions about what
matters the most. Because the enormity of the change itself can be so distracting,
seldom do we take the time to self-reflect and explore our emotional
well-being, which includes self-awareness and self-management.</p>
<p align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjq3ZLxVlj3O5EoIySFjx46qIdTqykyYJw5Iano-84iiivy7aFscG5jtxB3sOD7tASlpxugCijV3v_QHocYrZkTafrIJxZiU2u-8aTX6o97j1vzDe86Py5yxiSCwdjFqgqAIz_UTGAOu9U/s288/Change.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="175" data-original-width="288" height="226" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjq3ZLxVlj3O5EoIySFjx46qIdTqykyYJw5Iano-84iiivy7aFscG5jtxB3sOD7tASlpxugCijV3v_QHocYrZkTafrIJxZiU2u-8aTX6o97j1vzDe86Py5yxiSCwdjFqgqAIz_UTGAOu9U/w372-h226/Change.jpg" width="372" /></a></div><br /><span style="mso-no-proof: yes;"></span><p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">3.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Prepare for it.
Taking appropriate action in the direction of change will help make certain
that things go more smoothly for you. And the earlier, the better, notes
Mariama-Arthur. Preparation requires asking yourself key questions about where
you are now and where you intend to be, as you reimagine yourself in the
"new normal." What resources will you need? What sacrifices will you
need to make? How much time will be required? Get clear on the strategy and
tactics that will help you overcome any roadblocks to your success.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">4.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Rely on your
support system or create one. If you find yourself feeling overwhelmed, remember
that you don't have to go it alone, reminds Mariama-Arthur.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Managing change can be burdensome, but even
more so when you try to do everything by yourself. Instead of flexing your
misanthropic muscle, reach out to your support system—those valued individuals
who are ready and willing to help in a time of need. Don't have a support
system? Create one. Resources are everywhere.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">5.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Give yourself
grace as you move forward. Change is a process. At times, you may feel on top
of the world—like nothing can stop you. During others, not so much. When you
find yourself on the lower end of the totem pole, don't beat yourself up. Give
yourself the grace to move forward even when you are not feeling or performing
at your best. A bad day is not a deal breaker, but rather an opportunity to
step back and begin again, says Mariama-Arthur. </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Sometimes life is unpredictable, and you must confront
difficult changes. Instead of denying the change, follow the steps above to get
through it and come out better on the other side. </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Compiled by Audrey Sellers</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Source: Karima Mariama-Arthur is author of the 2019 NAACP
Image Award-nominated guidebook, Poised For Excellence: Fundamental Principles
of Effective Leadership in the Boardroom and Beyond. Mariama-Arthur also serves
in an advisory capacity on select corporate boards.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></p>
<p></p>Holistic Counselhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07567539006834731104noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1365803764902064742.post-22795024955183173742020-12-07T06:04:00.014-08:002020-12-07T06:04:01.954-08:00Eight Ways To Stay Connected During Social Distancing<p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgG-BTvKS-UfDUeklcVT6XaNh-6HL26av1xZr7T5Dfowpdpezd40MNJlT1R4bqTy3xiU1brRlIoSKKjTBoKqciF1pvemwRGS1QuDjXuiRgAwP3bu1psXLi8fEeWAPHVhD0Ohdo-lrd8t_o/s724/happy+couple.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="483" data-original-width="724" height="268" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgG-BTvKS-UfDUeklcVT6XaNh-6HL26av1xZr7T5Dfowpdpezd40MNJlT1R4bqTy3xiU1brRlIoSKKjTBoKqciF1pvemwRGS1QuDjXuiRgAwP3bu1psXLi8fEeWAPHVhD0Ohdo-lrd8t_o/w402-h268/happy+couple.jpg" width="402" /></a></div><br /> <p></p><p><!--[if !mso]>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Bullet 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Bullet 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Number 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Number 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Number 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Number 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="10" QFormat="true" Name="Title"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Closing"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Signature"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="1" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="Default Paragraph Font"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text Indent"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Continue"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Continue 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Continue 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Continue 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Continue 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Message Header"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="11" QFormat="true" Name="Subtitle"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Salutation"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Date"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text First Indent"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text First Indent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Note Heading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text Indent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text Indent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Block Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Hyperlink"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="FollowedHyperlink"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="22" QFormat="true" Name="Strong"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="20" QFormat="true" Name="Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Document Map"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Plain Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="E-mail Signature"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Top of Form"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Bottom of Form"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Normal (Web)"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Acronym"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Address"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Cite"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Code"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Definition"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Keyboard"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Preformatted"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Sample"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Typewriter"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Variable"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Normal Table"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="annotation subject"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="No List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Outline List 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Outline List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Outline List 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Simple 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Simple 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Simple 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Classic 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Classic 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Classic 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Classic 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Colorful 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Colorful 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Colorful 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table 3D effects 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table 3D effects 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table 3D effects 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Contemporary"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Elegant"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Professional"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Subtle 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Subtle 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Web 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Web 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Web 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Balloon Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="Table Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Theme"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" Name="Placeholder Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="1" QFormat="true" Name="No Spacing"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" Name="Revision"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="34" QFormat="true"
Name="List Paragraph"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="29" QFormat="true" Name="Quote"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="30" QFormat="true"
Name="Intense Quote"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="19" QFormat="true"
Name="Subtle Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="21" QFormat="true"
Name="Intense Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="31" QFormat="true"
Name="Subtle Reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="32" QFormat="true"
Name="Intense Reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="33" QFormat="true" Name="Book Title"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="37" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="Bibliography"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" QFormat="true" Name="TOC Heading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="41" Name="Plain Table 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="42" Name="Plain Table 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="43" Name="Plain Table 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="44" Name="Plain Table 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="45" Name="Plain Table 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="40" Name="Grid Table Light"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46" Name="Grid Table 1 Light"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51" Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52" Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46" Name="List Table 1 Light"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="List Table 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="List Table 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="List Table 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="List Table 5 Dark"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51" Name="List Table 6 Colorful"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52" Name="List Table 7 Colorful"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="List Table 1 Light Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="List Table 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="List Table 3 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="List Table 4 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="List Table 5 Dark Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="List Table 6 Colorful Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="List Table 7 Colorful Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="List Table 1 Light Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="List Table 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="List Table 3 Accent 2"/>
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</p><p class="MsoNormal"><i>"The only courage that matters is the kind that gets
you from one moment to the next." </i></p><i>
</i><p class="MsoNormal"><i>Mignon McLaughlin</i></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">In these days of COVID-19, social distancing is critical. To
help prevent the virus from spreading further, everyone must do their part to
avoid physical contact with others. While you need to adjust your normal
routine, writer Jamie Friedlander says you can still stay connected to others
during this time of isolation.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">In this issue of Promotional Consultant Today, we share
Friedlander's guidance for staying connected to others. </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">1.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Talk to one
friend each day. Be sure to reach out to one family member or friend every day.
While GChat and texting are perfectly acceptable, Friedlander says it's even
better to hear someone's voice on the phone or see them through FaceTime.
"You don't need to meet anyone to feel connected," says Viktor
Sander, a social psychology consultant with SocialPro. "It's all about
reciprocally opening up to each other, sharing experiences and making the other
person feel heard. And that's something you can do over the phone or
internet."</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">2.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Send someone you
love a handwritten letter. Grab a notecard you have lying around and send a
handwritten note to a family member or friend on your mind. Not only will the
letter brighten their day, but it'll likely spark a conversation once they
receive it in the mail, says Friedlander.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">3.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Foster connection with those in your home.
It's challenging being confined to our homes. To prevent the spread of
COVID-19, we must avoid meeting friends for dinner or hanging out with
co-workers at happy hours. Friedlander says it's easy to think of what we're
missing out on, but we must also remember what we're gaining through this
unexpected time at home. Take time to strengthen relationships with those in
your home, whether you're spending time with your kids, a significant other or
a roommate. </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">4.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Reach out to
friends who have depression or anxiety. Social isolation is hard for everyone,
but especially for those facing anxiety or depression. Friedlander recommends
texting friends and family members to let them know you're thinking of them.
Even if you don't get a response, don't stop reaching out. When it comes to
your anxious friends, Friedlander says it's important to avoid talking about
anything coronavirus-related that will worsen their anxiety. </p>
<p align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjg0-_qJpt1UL8pYh8bZ44b2GctNCcWuW6yjN9lWje3s3MMjMOqZmCdCTpBa8gmO3WFSJd0enDX-h4YLffR4S7hy_ioX8IuGQsrr1XxINngb8nPCSURbJU6xSvL68THEARy7CIse91gbc4/s1800/Cornivirus.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1193" data-original-width="1800" height="262" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjg0-_qJpt1UL8pYh8bZ44b2GctNCcWuW6yjN9lWje3s3MMjMOqZmCdCTpBa8gmO3WFSJd0enDX-h4YLffR4S7hy_ioX8IuGQsrr1XxINngb8nPCSURbJU6xSvL68THEARy7CIse91gbc4/w396-h262/Cornivirus.jpg" width="396" /></a></div><span style="mso-no-proof: yes;"><br /></span><p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">5.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Have a family
member read your child a bedtime book through FaceTime. If your children are
used to more social interaction with family members and friends, Friedlander
suggests having one of their grandparents, aunts or uncles read them a bedtime
book from afar.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">6.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Host a virtual
watch party with friends. To keep your spirits up and stay connected from afar,
try watching a show or movie with your friends. Through Netflix Party, you can
stream a show at the same time as your friends. Then, do a group video chat
once it's over to talk about it. If you're not in the mood to binge-watch a
show, try hosting a virtual book club instead. </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">7.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Stream a class.
For many, daily socialization involves not only chatting with co-workers and
spending time with family and friends, but also heading to a barre class or a
running club. Keep the socialization alive through a virtual class. Many
fitness studios have begun offering remote exercise classes, so hop online and
see what's available.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Social distancing and social isolation can feel
uncomfortable, especially when you're used to being around lots of people in
your day. Whether you're spending time in solitude or you're working while
caring for your family at home, look for ways to reach out to others. Aim to do
something each day that keeps you connected to the world outside. </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Compiled by Audrey Sellers</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Source: Jamie Friedlander is a freelance writer based in
Chicago and the former features editor of SUCCESS magazine. Her work has been
published in The Cut, VICE, Inc., The Chicago Tribune and Business Insider,
among other publications. </p>
<p></p>Holistic Counselhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07567539006834731104noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1365803764902064742.post-8637925199658475402020-11-23T05:37:00.023-08:002020-11-23T05:37:01.696-08:00Nine Lessons To Learn From COVID-19<p> </p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhHNr2b7RvpUD-GDEJyl8qXS-1GJkplMaZ7FjDuUUU3Vvdo6KbXTk8KMXWZYN4-H5WJ1-pRBvI0oclPpOu-HQv5UxcWKPaiZaEF3WVy3rxeoH4BStQDjS9oUoyGPEMqDGSDmtGXxkL7des/s1400/Good+News.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="932" data-original-width="1400" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhHNr2b7RvpUD-GDEJyl8qXS-1GJkplMaZ7FjDuUUU3Vvdo6KbXTk8KMXWZYN4-H5WJ1-pRBvI0oclPpOu-HQv5UxcWKPaiZaEF3WVy3rxeoH4BStQDjS9oUoyGPEMqDGSDmtGXxkL7des/w360-h240/Good+News.jpg" width="360" /></a></div><br /><p></p><p><!--[if !mso]>
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</p><p class="MsoNormal"><i>"You don't have to control your thoughts; you just have
to stop letting them control you." </i></p><i>
</i><p class="MsoNormal"><i>Dan Millman</i></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">The global pandemic has changed the way we live. Contained
in our homes, we must reorient our approach to our colleagues, clients, family
and friends. While you might feel a massive loss of control, there are some
important takeaways to learn from this moment in time. </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Kristen Lee, Ed.D., LICSW, lead faculty for behavioral
science at Northeastern University, says there are nine lessons we can draw
upon for individual and collective fortitude. </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><b>Lesson 1:</b> Intellectual humility is vital. We are not
all public health experts. We are an evolved civilization with extraordinary
advances in science and medicine and access to information. Dr. Lee says we
must all consider the sources we rely on and how we transmit information across
our spheres of social influence.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><b>Lesson 2:</b> Time-outs are not always punishments. We
are creative, innovative, agile creatures. Moments of distress call us to
rethink our typical routines and identify new strategies for coping and living.
Dr. Lee says this pause might prove to be a return to creativity for many who
might find it has been squeezed out during typical routines.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><b>Lesson 3:</b> We are more resilient than we realize.
Humans are wired for resilience. Dr. Lee asserts that resilience can increase
even during difficult times when we focus on activities that help to cultivate
it. Join forces with people who co-nurture and provide reciprocal support.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><b>Lesson 4:</b> Kindness is contagious. While fear and
illness itself can be contagious, so are acts of love and kindness. When we
focus energy on helping those who are most vulnerable in times of crisis, the
positive effects spread and strengthen our collective well-being.</p>
<p align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhONP_UHzQJ7BA7k23NbBcmpZ0UhKzeFWKFQiq4mlWjai6XFftE8-4BckbqdpXawDAH8AoHukH8uwvFpGYOailWAv2AP8l7Q9jCgREZ9TZ2MmX2zw6K8Pqv6t9sIXBeVYd7_Ct6t5B1Kvw/s2000/kindness-matters.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1333" data-original-width="2000" height="259" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhONP_UHzQJ7BA7k23NbBcmpZ0UhKzeFWKFQiq4mlWjai6XFftE8-4BckbqdpXawDAH8AoHukH8uwvFpGYOailWAv2AP8l7Q9jCgREZ9TZ2MmX2zw6K8Pqv6t9sIXBeVYd7_Ct6t5B1Kvw/w390-h259/kindness-matters.png" width="390" /></a></div><br /><span style="mso-no-proof: yes;"></span><p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><b>Lesson 5:</b> Challenges help us discover our strengths
and resources. Dr. Lee reminds others that we have a host of internal and
external resources to harness, including strong analytical and problem-solving
abilities and people and places that provide solace and grounding.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><b>Lesson 6:</b> The basics are not basic. The elements of
air, water, earth and fire are unparalleled. Spend time appreciating nature and
get outside as much as is safe and possible, recommends Dr. Lee. Watch sunrises
and sunsets from your window. Find ways to take in the elements.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><b>Lesson 7:</b> There are no wrong emotions. Pandemics can
evoke powerful emotions, including fear, anxiety, shock and panic. Don't stress
about being stressed. This is human, says Dr. Lee. Take time to name what is
happening and consider what resources you can access to help you.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><b>Lesson 8:</b> Self-care is essential all the time. Crises
can show us that we were previously running on fumes. There's no health without
mental health. Proper sleep, nutrition, hydration and exercise can go a long
way towards boosting our mental reserves, notes Dr. Lee.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><b>Lesson 9:</b> Mindfulness helps us combat mindlessness.
When we focus on the now and engage in a non-judgmental stance, it strengthens
our resilience and capacity to enjoy what is and cope with what isn't.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">As you continue to adapt during these times, reflect on the
lessons above and consider how you can help share them with your team members.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Compiled by Audrey Sellers</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Source: Kristen Lee, Ed.D., LICSW is lead faculty for
behavioral science at Northeastern University. She is the author of Reset: Make
the Most of Your Stress and Mentalligence: A New Psychology of Thinking. Dr.
Lee has also given a TED talk called "The Risk You Must Take." </p>
<p></p>Holistic Counselhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07567539006834731104noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1365803764902064742.post-66237021130286535322020-08-24T11:02:00.000-07:002020-08-24T11:02:00.519-07:00I FEEL VULNERABE IF I EXPRESS MY EMOTIONS: So I don’t.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjZASm6ZjEYoXGLH19bsllAxF1_IsGw54wphv6HTahTRJI6iJADrHL-GVn7qnH4QMAI7S0EhcYzOoeDiUjtgJFXqT5hDW-IG035UjDnugS0mvDnY-Req_BP0vs-zNRrl3-mjZnJEtNe8es/s1600/vulnerability.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="208" data-original-width="242" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjZASm6ZjEYoXGLH19bsllAxF1_IsGw54wphv6HTahTRJI6iJADrHL-GVn7qnH4QMAI7S0EhcYzOoeDiUjtgJFXqT5hDW-IG035UjDnugS0mvDnY-Req_BP0vs-zNRrl3-mjZnJEtNe8es/s1600/vulnerability.jpg" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
<span lang="EN-US">When people feel vulnerable, they hold
back.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In relationships, this is the kiss
of death.</span><br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<span lang="EN-US">As people, we are emotional beings, whether
we like to admit it or not.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Male and
female alike.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If we choose to hold back from
expressing our feelings, then we are certain to endanger our relationship with
our loved ones, family and friends.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We
pay a heavy toll when we choose to do this.</span><br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><u><span lang="EN-US">Why
Do We Fear Being Vulnerable?</span></u></b><br />
<br />
<span lang="EN-US">In some cases, we believe, without a doubt,
that we would be putting ourselves in a position of weakness, be defenseless
and susceptible to a seriously, negative response.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We would be exposing ourselves to be a
target of ridicule or attack. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s equal to losing control and putting
ourselves at the mercy of someone else.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And
there’s nothing comfortable about that!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So
we earnestly avoid doing it, as if our lives depend upon it.</span><br />
<br />
<div align="center" style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<br />
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><u><span lang="EN-US">Where
Did This Fear Come From?</span></u></b><br />
<br />
<span lang="EN-US">Fear is a feeling of danger which invokes a
fight or flight response.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When we are
dealing with emotions, we usually choose to take flight!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Time and time again, this fear is traced back
to when we were being raised as children.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>For example, did you ever hear, or were you ever told:</span><br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<div style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><span lang="EN-US">‘men don’t cry’</span></div>
<br />
<div style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><span lang="EN-US">‘girls cry at the drop of a
hat’</span></div>
<br />
<div style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><span lang="EN-US">Showing feelings is a sign of
weakness</span></div>
<br />
<div style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><span lang="EN-US">‘Be a man’</span></div>
<br />
<div style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><span lang="EN-US">‘Suck it up’</span></div>
<br />
<div style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><span lang="EN-US">‘crying is for sissies’</span></div>
<br />
<div style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><span lang="EN-US">‘Be strong’</span></div>
<br />
<br />
<br />
<span lang="EN-US">Or when we tried to explain our side of the
story, expressing our feelings (and yes, being vulnerable), it wasn’t received
well?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Were you punished? Made fun of? Or
told you needed to ‘toughen-up’. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Remember, you were a child here.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You were learning the rules of life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>How to please adults.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>How to conduct ourselves in our environment so
that we received praise, not ridicule.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>We were indoctrinated with the experiences, therefore the rules, of
those influential in our life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Right or wrong, as a child, we were absorbing
the behavior and rules of those around us to survive.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span><br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><u><span lang="EN-US">Here’s
the Good News!</span></u></b><br />
<br />
<span lang="EN-US">You’re not a child anymore, so ask yourself
“do those rules serve me well now?”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Not
likely.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So can you do anything to change
them?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Absolutely!</span><br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiWq4Pbj8Uh2VwVlrwpQmYCaDyphQnCZo9-7MSmJESjhw8tR1sdKcnSkYWFd5nwCnk_Md8B-zaLZGSls-zx6X1RNZcHb1Oex7zemBo9b9SNf9a-pk_jAkwBfcNLBQOrCcSyGfRYWy2HpCQ/s1600/vulnerability+No.2.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="183" data-original-width="275" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiWq4Pbj8Uh2VwVlrwpQmYCaDyphQnCZo9-7MSmJESjhw8tR1sdKcnSkYWFd5nwCnk_Md8B-zaLZGSls-zx6X1RNZcHb1Oex7zemBo9b9SNf9a-pk_jAkwBfcNLBQOrCcSyGfRYWy2HpCQ/s1600/vulnerability+No.2.png" /></a></div>
<div align="center" style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<br />
<br />
<br />
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><u><span lang="EN-US">Change
the Rules!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You have the Power!</span></u></b><br />
<br />
<span lang="EN-US">To show someone that you are vulnerable is
actually a sign of strength.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It shows that
you are comfortable with who you are.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>That you have control over your thoughts and actions.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You are exhibiting self-confidence.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span><br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<span lang="EN-US">As in any situation you are in, there is a
possibility of rejection or a negative response but that doesn’t stop us from
trying, does it? No!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We go to the job
interviews, approach someone we are attracted to, try new things, meet new
people.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We are vulnerable in all these
situations.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But we don’t attach anything
negative to ourselves for trying and possibly failing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We accept the outcome whether they are
negative or positive.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We believe we did
our best.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If we are rejected, our sense
of being is still intact (although perhaps a little bruised!) but we quickly get
over it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We shake off the negative
feeling, chalk it up to experience and move on to the next adventure.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We’re okay.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>This is proof that we are capable of being vulnerable and still maintain
control. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s all good.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s all positive. </span><br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<span lang="EN-US">So try this:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>look at your current relationship and ask
yourself what are you holding back from expressing or showing?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What are the problematic topics you are
avoiding?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Now ask yourself ‘why am I
avoiding them?’<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Is your reason based on
fact?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Or is it just an unfounded
belief?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span><br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><u><span lang="EN-US">Psychotherapy
Can Help</span></u></b><br />
<br />
<span lang="EN-US">In my practice, I have helped many people
overcome their fear of being vulnerable.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>It begins with identifying where the fear originated, and then replacing
them with positive beliefs building up your confident.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Because these emotions are deeply rooted,
guidance is usually necessary to help you overcome your fear.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Together we will be on this journey.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span><br />
<b></b><i></i><u></u><sub></sub><sup></sup><strike></strike>Holistic Counselhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07567539006834731104noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1365803764902064742.post-84081093496242457972020-08-10T10:54:00.000-07:002020-08-10T10:54:00.885-07:00IMPORTANT LESSONS YOUR ANGER CAN TEACH YOU Part2<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEit6mqe_sTzD2ilonk6nfvcZ5C5XgggGKOyNASxjEhY5HPv9BUdSH9FpO1XJqDlps9Nzy0Tp0CnBHVhcCb8d_jEtdV3DNidiZu6ba97mxHJHCG6Wy2D5KX3OaUNOEMSnAY3NRfw2oUk0-g/s1600/anger+management2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="174" data-original-width="290" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEit6mqe_sTzD2ilonk6nfvcZ5C5XgggGKOyNASxjEhY5HPv9BUdSH9FpO1XJqDlps9Nzy0Tp0CnBHVhcCb8d_jEtdV3DNidiZu6ba97mxHJHCG6Wy2D5KX3OaUNOEMSnAY3NRfw2oUk0-g/s1600/anger+management2.jpg" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
The trick in expressing anger is thus neither to ignore it
and become a doormat, or to use it to establish the dominance of your own
needs. First you must examine the angry reaction you feel to understand what
lies at its source.<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>Questions you might need to ask yourself are:</b><br />
<b><br /></b>
<br />
Does the situation justify my anger?<br />
<br />
<br />
What might my anger be telling me about myself rather than
about the other person?<br />
<br />
<br />
Do I have my own vulnerabilities, or past hurts, that are
being activated by what the other person said or did?<br />
<br />
<br />
Does my reaction appear out of proportion to what happened,
or does it appear to be an accurate response to some legitimate harm or
violation?<br />
<br />
<br />
If I let my anger sit a bit, and gain a little bit more
perspective on my feeling, does the feeling subside?<br />
<br />
<br />
If I contemplate not standing up for myself on this issue,
will I be doing harm to myself?<br />
<br />
<br />
If after this self-examination you still feel angry, it
might be a sign that a conversation needs to be had, or that assertiveness on
behalf of yourself is needed.<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>How to Express Your Anger:</b><br />
<b><br /></b>
<br />
If such a conversation about your needs and demands is to go
well, and if the objective is to remain in a relationship with the person who
did or said something that was harmful to your well-being or your sense of
self, you might want to wait to talk about it until the intensity of the
feeling has subsided enough that you are not in the throes of it.<br />
<br />
<br />
Anger has a way of empowering you with a strength and
conviction that can disempower and invalidate the other person. The objective
of a conversation about your needs should not be to get back at the other
person by elevating yourself and devaluing the other person, but to reveal some
of the values or vulnerabilities that were undermined or injured by what the
other person said or did. If this can be conveyed in a way that maintains the
respect and dignity of the other person, they are more likely to respond
non-defensively, and genuinely hear what your anger is really about.<br />
<br />
<br />
If maintaining the relationship is not a priority because
what has happened has crossed clear boundaries, and is making you question
whether or not you even want to be in a relationship, then exposing your
vulnerabilities may not be the way to go. You may then instead want to use the
information from your anger to set a clear boundary, to walk away, or to
otherwise prevent more violations from happening. In such instances you may
indeed need the power that anger fills you with in order to not lose your
courage or back down when your anger tells you you should take a stance.<br />
<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjgGHTgVlXwqfYb3HKdo2T5_o7lcL8Cz5fIuwUszuLxQ68js_ncpvwL6SqooEip12pwr-OzVVHuuH690-yJ0elHzFkTeh8hgmrfHeWKUIUGnwEOzVfgTAkyuk9maQ_spukZHxpVatIprAc/s1600/i+hate+you.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="194" data-original-width="259" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjgGHTgVlXwqfYb3HKdo2T5_o7lcL8Cz5fIuwUszuLxQ68js_ncpvwL6SqooEip12pwr-OzVVHuuH690-yJ0elHzFkTeh8hgmrfHeWKUIUGnwEOzVfgTAkyuk9maQ_spukZHxpVatIprAc/s1600/i+hate+you.jpg" /></a></div>
<div align="center" style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<br />
<b>So Where Does this Leave Us?</b><br />
<b><br /></b>
<br />
Anger is not inherently bad but helps to define us and what
we want or need in opposition to that which threatens us or harms us. By having
access to anger we have access to a sense of self and this allows us to live a
life where we are more in control of our destiny and of what happens to us in
life. However, at times our anger can indeed be an exaggerated response that
originates in a fragile ego or an unreasonable set of expectations we impose on
the world. In such situations we may need to make more room for others rather
than make more room for ourselves.<br />
<br />
<br />
So in the end we end up in the same place as Aristotles who
wrote:<br />
<br />
<br />
“Anyone can become angry. That is easy. But to be angry with
the right person, to the right degree, at the right time, for the right purpose
and in the right way—that is not easy”.<br />
<br />
<br />
As with so many other of our feelings we both have to be
careful not to shun them and be careful not to let them carry us away. We have
to exercise control at times, but not so much control that we lose touch with
what our feelings are telling us about what we need and who we are.<br />
<br />
<br />
Written By: <br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgj0GyHhsl6Zf8hIepY6EqG_25zFCeAHJs7hJSLTOYK9vmbqOSRTxC01ZAuXQ9EYmxUIzyNPVhXaU-MrboaLDUv2YT9BtNylEvumdwX5lpYux1Z1kq8RicTtoMD3adeUPZsGaC7r1Bxmjw/s1600/Rune+Moelbak.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="234" data-original-width="234" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgj0GyHhsl6Zf8hIepY6EqG_25zFCeAHJs7hJSLTOYK9vmbqOSRTxC01ZAuXQ9EYmxUIzyNPVhXaU-MrboaLDUv2YT9BtNylEvumdwX5lpYux1Z1kq8RicTtoMD3adeUPZsGaC7r1Bxmjw/s200/Rune+Moelbak.png" width="200" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
Psychodynamic therapist, Dr. Rune Moelbak<br />
<br />
<br />
About him: He is Rune Moelbak, Ph.D. a psychologist and
couples therapist in Houston, Texas. <br />
<b></b><i></i><u></u><sub></sub><sup></sup><strike></strike>Holistic Counselhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07567539006834731104noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1365803764902064742.post-33959943210345761292020-08-03T10:42:00.000-07:002020-08-03T10:42:31.500-07:00IMPORTANT LESSONS YOUR ANGER CAN TEACH YOU Part1<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgpMXI8KiMyBuLwFUyLcbok6tYhhOyxkO0y0WRf1U_l5_Z4sk1J0YmB5Wstc3MJ9ZZO9v0ITsscQt05MHoRKEAoE1WZZPfytdRhlyVYoQAmsbs83ntlVMWf5kYyI5Ra81HVrNiDe4yvPQk/s1600/anger+july+31.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: #0066cc; font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; orphans: 2; text-align: center; text-decoration: underline; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;"><img border="0" data-original-height="178" data-original-width="284" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgpMXI8KiMyBuLwFUyLcbok6tYhhOyxkO0y0WRf1U_l5_Z4sk1J0YmB5Wstc3MJ9ZZO9v0ITsscQt05MHoRKEAoE1WZZPfytdRhlyVYoQAmsbs83ntlVMWf5kYyI5Ra81HVrNiDe4yvPQk/s1600/anger+july+31.jpg" style="cursor: move;" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
Anger is not just a problem to get rid of, but a message to
you about who you are and what is important to you. Oftentimes, however, this
important fact gets ignored because we live in a society in which anger is
often considered inappropriate and uncivil.<br />
<br />
<br />
For the most part we have learned to associate anger with
destruction and aggression. We have likely felt its negative impact on our
relationships or been ashamed about how our anger made us act. Maybe we have
experienced the destructive impact of other people’s anger outbursts on us, or
we have seen it turn violent and cause ruptures between people we love.<br />
<br />
<br />
However, anger is not the same as aggression or loss of
control. Aggression and loss of control can be the outcome of anger, but they
more so indicate ways of expressing anger or reacting to anger than the feeling
of anger itself.<br />
<br />
<br />
Anger can really be said to cover a spectrum of emotions
from frustration and slight annoyance on the one end to explosive rage on the
other and can be said to involve a whole range of shades in-between. Sometimes
in fact, it is only when we ignore the first signs of anger, or fail to catch
our anger and express it when it is still just an indicator of annoyance, that
we end up bottling it up to the point where we finally explode.<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>Anger Can Be a Necessary and Useful Emotion:</b><br />
<b><br /></b>
<br />
At its core anger alerts us to threats and tells us when one
of our fundamental needs has gone unmet or has been squashed. In doing so anger
makes it clear to us who we are. It tells us for example if our space has been
invaded, if our freedom has been squashed, if our pride has been injured, if
the way we see the world has been invalidated, or if our feelings have been
ignored. It alerts us to the fact that we have been wronged in some way, or
that we have felt slighted, mistreated, or diminished. By doing so it gives us
an opportunity to correct a wrong or to put a relationship back on the right
track. It tells us what we need in order to feel healthy and good about
ourselves and happy about the environment in which we live our life.<br />
<br />
<br />
The actions and initiatives that come out of this can in the
final analysis help restore or repair a situation that if left unattended would
distort or destroy a relationship, lead to resentment, avoidance, or distance,
or result in outright harm to our well-being.<br />
<br />
<br />
I know of no close interpersonal relationship, for example,
that will not at some point involve moments of annoyance, frustration, and
anger, and it is a sign of a mature relationship that each person can express
when their needs are not being met or let each other know when something does
not feel good. Anger is what allows us to know when this is occurring. It
alerts us to the fact that something needs to be addressed so the relationship
can adapt and remain good.<br />
<br />
<br />
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<div align="center" style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<br />
<b>When to Express and Not Express Your Anger:</b><br />
<b><br /></b>
<br />
Not long ago I saw a thought-provoking Facebook post that
asked: How do you express anger? And provided 1 out of 6 options. Do you walk
away? Become silent? Shout? Cry? Beat? Or Smile?<br />
<br />
<br />
I thought this post was evocative because it shows that just
because you do not get loud, aggressive, or lose your temper, doesn’t mean that
you are not experiencing or expressing your anger.<br />
<br />
<br />
Anger that is not talked about is going to get expressed
somehow, even if it is not being expressed outwardly. Research, for example,
shows that suppressed or unexpressed anger can lead to long-term health
problems and can even be one of main causes of depression.<br />
<br />
<br />
In fact, anger that remains unexpressed, and therefore
boundaries or needs that are not asserted, can only happen at the expense of
one’s self.<br />
<br />
<br />
If I cannot muster the self-defence to assert that another
person’s negative accusations of me are unfair or unreasonable, I have no choice
but to collapse into shame, guilt, or self-doubt. By abandoning my anger, or
being too afraid to express it, I am therefore in fact abandoning or hurting
myself.<br />
<br />
<br />
On the other hand, my needs, expectations, and wants can in
fact be exaggerated, and the anger I feel the result of a having too big of an
ego and making too little room for others. In such instances, I do need to
check my anger, and examine if my anger has more to do with me than with the
other person.<br />
<br />
<br />
Perhaps I tend to feel a deep shame about myself if my
viewpoints are challenged, but instead of acknowledging and owning this, I
angrily want the world to accommodate me and soothe my hurt ego. If the world
always adapts to me, validates me, and tells me how great I am, I never have to
confront my own insecurity but can maintain a sense of strength and power that
prevents me from having to look at myself. Sometimes these kinds of deep
vulnerabilities are what can lead to some of the worst anger outbursts, abuses
of power, and attempts to control others. It reminds us that just because we
are offended, does not make us right, and that others are not obligated to take
care of our feelings.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><br />
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><br /></span>
<br />
The trick in expressing anger is thus neither to ignore it
and become a doormat, or to use it to establish the dominance of your own
needs. First you must examine the angry reaction you feel to understand what
lies at its source.<br />
<br />
<br />
Continued in Part 2<br />
<br />
<br />
Written By: <br />
<br />
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<br />
<br />
Psychodynamic therapist, Dr. Rune Moelbak<br />
<br />
<br />
About him: He is Rune Moelbak, Ph.D. a psychologist and couples
therapist in Houston, Texas. <br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<u><span style="color: #000120;"></span></u><b></b><i></i><u></u><sub></sub><sup></sup><strike></strike><br /></div>
<br />Holistic Counselhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07567539006834731104noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1365803764902064742.post-56547051940933602662020-01-21T11:55:00.001-08:002020-01-21T11:55:15.126-08:00 Cracking the Code of Love<br />
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<br />
These are highlights
from an interview between Shane Parrish (Farnham Street) and Dr. Sue Johnson.<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">The full interview
is available here: <b><a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ws-4Oy0ongU">https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ws-4Oy0ongU</a></b><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Dr. Sue
Johnson is a researcher, clinical psychologist, and the developer of
Emotionally Focused Therapy. In this interview, they<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"> discuss how to create, protect, and nourish fulfilling sexual and
emotional relationships.<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><br /></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
In this discussion, they walk through the life cycle of
human relationships, from early infatuation to dating, marriage, and beyond
while taking short detours to explore many of the hazards that are common in
each stage.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Sue talks about finding, sparking and rekindling connection
with our partner, why emotional responsiveness is critical to a healthy
relationship, and she shares the recipe to a great sex life that all the
popular online and magazine articles are missing.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>Here are a few highlights from their conversation:</b><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><br /></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>Many of us have no idea.</b> We don’t know what
we’re looking for. We just don’t want to be lonely anymore and we want somebody
to have fun with and we want someone to have sex with. We’re caught up in the
society thing of girls are supposed to look like this and guys are supposed to
look like that.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>What I’ve always tried to tell my children is, you can be
attracted to lots of people</b> in a very superficial way and you’re going
to experiment with relationships, you are, because you have to get to know this
dance, and you’re going to make mistakes. But what you really need to do is
listen to yourself and listen to when you feel safe and when dancing with
someone is easy and makes you feel good, and when you can be vulnerable for a
moment and that person tunes in and cares about your vulnerability. That’s the
person to go with.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>Of course, things go wrong and they fight, they hurt each
other and that’s a relationship.</b> If you dance with somebody, they’re
going to step on your feet. They’re going to go left when you expect them to go
right. It’s just the way it is. The point is, in a good relationship, you can
recognize what’s happened and you can tune in and you can repair it. It’s
emotional responsiveness. That’s the basis of a secure bond.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="mso-fareast-language: EN-CA; mso-no-proof: yes;"><!--[if gte vml 1]><v:shape
id="Picture_x0020_3" o:spid="_x0000_i1025" type="#_x0000_t75" style='width:238.5pt;
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o:title=""/>
</v:shape><![endif]--><!--[if !vml]--><!--[endif]--></span><span style="mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;"><o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><br /></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>Emotional isolation is traumatizing for human beings.</b> You’re
not wired for it. It’s a danger cue for your nervous system.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>Attachment tends to be hierarchical.</b> We can love
more than one person, but in terms of who you turn to when you really need, in
terms of where you take your vulnerability, it’s usually hierarchical. We have
our special one and most people want to be the special one for somebody else,
and most people want a special one. That’s the person that you turn to.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><br /></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>Distressed relationships are always the same all over the
world at every age.</b> Where are you? Where are you? Do you care about
me? Do I matter to you? Will you respond to me? Will you be there when I’m
vulnerable? Am I safe with you? Where are you? Where are you? And when the
answer is, “I’m here,” you can deal with almost anything.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><br /></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>Emotional responsiveness is an abstract word that
captures a lot.</b> It’s the ability or the willingness that someone has
to tune into emotionally and to allow themselves to tune into your non-verbals
or your words, and to allow themselves to feel what you’re feeling and who
respond to that in a way that you feel that you matter.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><br /></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>You’re more vulnerable to the person you love than anyone
in the world;</b> That’s part of being in love. On the other hand, if it’s
a good relationship, you’re safer with this person than anywhere else in the
world. That’s the paradox of love.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><br /></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>Relationships are live things.</b> They’re live
moving organisms, and they’re like every other live thing. If you starve them
of attention, and ignore them, and leave them on a shelf for years, then you
turn around and try to pick them off the shelf, well, I’m sorry, but they’ve
shriveled and died.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><br /></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>The best thing you can give your children</b> is
parents who know how to support each other and stand together and help each
other. Not only that, but you give your children something more valuable by
doing that. You give your children a vision of what a good relationship looks
like.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>Dr. Sue Johnson (Dr.Sue Johnson), a clinical psychologist
and the developer of EFT or Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy. The EFT model
is considered to be one of the most effective evidence-based therapy methods
available and is currently taught to over 3000 health care professionals every
year. Countless couples’ relationships have been repaired and strengthened
because of Sue’s work.<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><br /></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>Sue is also the author of several books, including Love
Sense and her breakout bestseller, Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a
Lifetime of Love, which is hands down the best relationship book I’ve ever
read.<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<br />Holistic Counselhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07567539006834731104noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1365803764902064742.post-64860087154614782492019-03-19T13:29:00.000-07:002019-03-19T13:48:46.046-07:00The Affair in Retrospect<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh3TDgNj3cb5dbtDmNkYT7qvpzJIO49RkPriwZ2MBznXPkprg2bJb1jBbPbMuh9T9bd0xR_2daXxsqtTCwFhMkX8u10ivm4vIL-U7vcHbiFta2IBil7S0vtB-sOnrS6gBgNqnwc9wc8inU/s1600/Infidility.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="183" data-original-width="275" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh3TDgNj3cb5dbtDmNkYT7qvpzJIO49RkPriwZ2MBznXPkprg2bJb1jBbPbMuh9T9bd0xR_2daXxsqtTCwFhMkX8u10ivm4vIL-U7vcHbiFta2IBil7S0vtB-sOnrS6gBgNqnwc9wc8inU/s1600/Infidility.jpg" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The desire to
find happy endings for sad human stories is probably lodged in most couples
therapists' DNA. When the "sad story" is about infidelity that
threatens a marriage, therapists generally aim for their favored resolution:
saving the marriage. As a field, we've tended to think about this story in
terms of a straightforward, three-part narrative:</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Part 1: A couple is shattered by the discovery
of an affair and comes to see us.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Part 2: We help them get through the immediate
crisis, tend to the underlying wounds in the marriage, and then take a deeper
look at childhood scars. We provide compassion and advice as needed, and
encourage new trust, forgiveness, and intimacy in the relationship. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN;">Part 3: As our
preferred denouement, the couple leaves therapy weeks or months later, their
marriage repaired, stronger, even transformed---or at least improved. We
consider treatment a success; the couple has weathered the storm. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN;">Of course, some
couples refuse this neat storyline and, instead, use therapy as a gateway out
of the marriage altogether. But, hopefully, they still live happily ever after.
<br />
<br />
I identified three basic patterns in the way couples reorganize themselves
after an infidelity---they never really get past the affair, they pull
themselves up by the bootstraps and let it go, or they leave it far behind. <br />
<br />
In some marriages, the affair isn't a transitional crisis, but a black hole
trapping both parties in an endless round of bitterness, revenge, and
self-pity. These couples endlessly gnaw at the same bone, circle and recycle
the same grievances, reiterate the same mutual recriminations, and blame each
other for their agony. Why they stay in the marriage is often as puzzling as
why they can't get beyond their mutual antagonism. <br />
<br />
A second pattern is found in couples who remain together because they honor
values of lifelong commitment and continuity, family loyalty, and stability.
They want to stay connected to their community of mutual friends and associates
or have a strong religious affiliation. These couples can move past the
infidelity, but they don't necessarily transcend it. Their marriages revert to
a more or less peaceful version of the way things were before the crisis,
without undergoing any significant change in their relationship. <br />
<br />
For some couples, however, the affair becomes a transformational experience and
catalyst for renewal and change. This outcome illustrates that therapy has the
potential to help couples reinvent their marriage by mining the resilience and
resourcefulness each partner brings to the table.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN;">All marriages are
alike to the degree that confronting an affair forces the couple to re-evaluate
their relationship, but dissimilar in how the couple lives with the legacy of
that affair.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN;">This article was
written by Esther Perel.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN;">Esther Perel is a
Belgian psychotherapist who has explored the tension between the need for
security and the need for freedom in human relationships. She has promoted the
concept of Erotic Intelligence in her book Mating in Captivity: Unlocking
Erotic Intelligence, which has been translated into 24 languages. Her latest
book is: The State of Affairs, Rethinking Infidelity published in 2018.</span><o:p></o:p></div>
<br />Holistic Counselhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07567539006834731104noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1365803764902064742.post-85000678472029119612018-10-31T15:05:00.001-07:002018-10-31T15:06:34.245-07:00Vulnerability<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
One of
America's most beloved authors just told us her 'number one life hack' for
lasting relationships<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<b style="text-indent: 36pt;">Dr. Brené Brown</b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
Anybody
who's been in — or out of — a relationship can tell you that they're full of
miscommunications, misreadings, and other misunderstandings.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
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You say one
thing, they hear something else. Better yet, you project motivations onto them,
drawing out conclusions about their behavior that they can't even understand.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Thankfully, <a href="https://www.amazon.com/Daring-Greatly-Courage-Vulnerable-Transforms/dp/1592408419?tag=bisafetynet2-20" target="_blank">"Daring Greatly"</a> author Brené Brown — whose
Ted Talk on vulnerability has over 21 million views— has been through it.<o:p></o:p></div>
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As she talks
about in her new book about resilience, <a href="https://www.amazon.com/Rising-Strong-Bren%C3%A9-Brown/dp/0812995821/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1440535794&sr=1-1&keywords=%22Rising+Strong%2C%22&pebp=1440535796409&perid=13FV2C2ZYKV6JEK7Q28R&tag=bisafetynet2-20" target="_blank">"Rising Strong, "</a>a simple life hack can help
anybody in relationship be better understood.<o:p></o:p></div>
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"If I
could give men and women in relationship and leaders and parents one hack, I
would give them, 'the story I'm making up,'" Brown told Tech Insider.
"Basically, you're telling the other person your reading of the situation
— and simultaneously admitting that you know it can't be 100% accurate."<o:p></o:p></div>
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It's a
life-saver for a few reasons, she says: It's honest, it's transparent, and it's
vulnerable.<o:p></o:p></div>
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According to
Brown and the scores of interviews she did for "Daring Greatly" and
"Rising Strong," vulnerability essentially provides the bandwidth for
two people to relate and trust one another.<o:p></o:p></div>
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When you say
"the story I'm making up," Brown says that it conveys "I want
you to see me and understand me and hear me, and knowing what you really mean
is more important to me than being right or self-protecting."<o:p></o:p></div>
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With those
five words, you check the narrative in your head.<o:p></o:p></div>
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In
"Rising Strong," Brown supplies a very vivid example of "the
story I'm making up right now" in action.<o:p></o:p></div>
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One summer,
she and her husband Steve took a long-awaited vacation with the kids in a lake
in the Hill Country of Texas. The two of them go for a swim in the lake, and
feeling taken with the deep joy of the moment, Brown says something very sweet
— and very vulnerable — to her spouse.<o:p></o:p></div>
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"I'm so
glad we decided to do this together," she says. "It's beautiful out
here."<o:p></o:p></div>
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Her husband,
she shares, is way better than her at putting himself out there, so she
expected him to reply to her romantic bid with an equal force of affection.<o:p></o:p></div>
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But instead:<o:p></o:p></div>
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"Yeah,
water's good," he replied.<o:p></o:p></div>
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She felt
embarrassed, ashamed. And going against her conflict-oriented upbringing, she
decided to make another bid for connection.<o:p></o:p></div>
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"This
is so great," she said. "I love that we're doing this. I feel so
close to you."<o:p></o:p></div>
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Again, deaf
ears.<o:p></o:p></div>
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"Yep,
good swim," he replied before swimming away.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Brown was
nonplussed. This is "total horseshit," she remembers
thinking. What's going on? I don't know if I'm supposed to feel humiliated
or hostile.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Before they
got out, she asked him to stop — saying that she kept trying to connect with
him and he kept blowing her off.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Then,
instead of being aggressive and self-protective, she opted for being kind. And
she relied on a certain life hack she learned in her research.<o:p></o:p></div>
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"I feel
like you're blowing me off," she said, "and the story I'm making
up is either you looked at me while I was swimming and thought, Man,
she's getting old. She can't even swim freestyle anymore. Or you saw me
and thought, She sure as hell doesn't rock a Speedo like she did
twenty-five years ago."<o:p></o:p></div>
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After a
little time, Steve replied. He wasn't being distant to spite her; he said that
he had been trying to fight off a panic attack the whole swim.<o:p></o:p></div>
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He explained
that the night before, he had a dream where he was with their kids on a raft
when a speedboat came screaming toward them, and he had to pull all the
children into the water so they wouldn't get killed by the raging vessel. He
didn't even know what his wife was saying to him while they swam; he was just
trying to concentrate on his swimming and make it back to the dock.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Suddenly, it
made sense to her: People on the lake do tend to get drunk on boats,
and everybody who grows up around water hears about tragic boating accidents.
And he felt like she would think less of him for not being able to prevent one.<o:p></o:p></div>
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After a
little more conversation, it became clear to both of them: Brené was stuck in a
"shame story" that she wasn't fit or pretty enough for Steve, and
Steve was stuck in a "shame story" that he wasn't strong or capable
enough for Brené.<o:p></o:p></div>
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But with
making the leap of vulnerability symbolized in the story I'm making up,
they were able to let go of the narrative they were telling themselves about
the situation and actually see one another's perspective.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Five little
words. Big difference.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi_HgL3tm72pIoxXs3qmBd2xznygpHzJRb-4ftx1Oa1X04jeUBzWcHs6__uOHarYwGL8XViLNyRUJkYkEqHzCjYIuweIIS0p-5xt6WhYRJmMLMYXSHCgl-MSX1ojO6Ml6ZhFxeyz_k8Hnk/s1600/vulnerability+%25281%2529.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="194" data-original-width="259" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi_HgL3tm72pIoxXs3qmBd2xznygpHzJRb-4ftx1Oa1X04jeUBzWcHs6__uOHarYwGL8XViLNyRUJkYkEqHzCjYIuweIIS0p-5xt6WhYRJmMLMYXSHCgl-MSX1ojO6Ml6ZhFxeyz_k8Hnk/s1600/vulnerability+%25281%2529.jpg" /></a></div>
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Written by: <a href="https://www.businessinsider.com/author/drake-baer" target="_blank"><span style="text-decoration: none; text-underline: none;">Drake Baer</span></a> of <a href="http://www.techinsider.io/" target="_blank"><span style="text-decoration: none; text-underline: none;">Tech Insider</span></a><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
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<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">Dr. Brené Brown (born November 18, 1965) is a research Professor at the University of Houston where she holds the Huffington Foundation – Brené Brown Endowed Chair at The Graduate College of Social Work. She has spent the past sixteen years studying courage, vulnerability, shame, and empathy and is the author of four #1 New York Times bestsellers – The Gifts of Imperfection, Daring Greatly, Rising Strong, and Braving the Wilderness: The Quest for True Belonging and The Courage to Stand Alone. Brown's TED talk – The Power of Vulnerability – is one of the top five most viewed TED talks in the world with over 30 million views. Brené lives in Houston, Texas with her husband, Steve, and their children, Ellen and Charlie.</span></div>
Holistic Counselhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07567539006834731104noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1365803764902064742.post-59670982651880931322018-06-18T15:23:00.001-07:002018-06-18T15:23:47.370-07:00Infidelity<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhX_DqN0g2v4xdMTzVL7y_835ZNYZczCsO8gMUztjMbJqW36q0RG-DzR0-fDl4aUyv_A6sN4keDpQ22FMmnewf-Vvr-8tr73R2kC5NafK3MrtxHH4jk1K5Vr126JOKkaS53Zs0-uQ0I7TI/s1600/Infedility+jpg.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="168" data-original-width="300" height="224" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhX_DqN0g2v4xdMTzVL7y_835ZNYZczCsO8gMUztjMbJqW36q0RG-DzR0-fDl4aUyv_A6sN4keDpQ22FMmnewf-Vvr-8tr73R2kC5NafK3MrtxHH4jk1K5Vr126JOKkaS53Zs0-uQ0I7TI/s400/Infedility+jpg.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Test, serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<h4 style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Test, serif; font-size: 12pt;">Affairs always cause pain, but what I’m looking for is where exactly did
the knife twist?</span></h4>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
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<a href="https://www.blogger.com/null" name="richText1120"></a><span style="color: #515b65; font-family: "Gentium Basic","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-CA;">No story of
betrayal is simple; it focuses on the story of Saskia and Amin. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They are a couple, married for 11 years with 3
young children. I met them one year after Saskia discovered Amin’s year-long
affair with a co-worker.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="color: #515b65; font-family: "Gentium Basic","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-CA;">When I sit with a couple, there are
always two types of stories present in the room; the spoken and the unspoken.
The first manifests in dialogue and what we can hear, see and feel. The second
is what is unspoken — private personal dialogues, hidden assumptions and covert
motivations.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="color: #515b65; font-family: "Gentium Basic", serif; font-size: 12pt;">For every deceived partner, there is
a particular pain point that is unique to them. </span><span style="color: #515b65; font-family: "Gentium Basic", serif; font-size: 12pt;"> </span><span style="color: #515b65; font-family: "Gentium Basic", serif; font-size: 12pt;">In the session, Saskia seemed numb and frozen
– tears streamed down her face without her even knowing it. </span><span style="color: #515b65; font-family: "Gentium Basic", serif; font-size: 12pt;"> </span><span style="color: #515b65; font-family: "Gentium Basic", serif; font-size: 12pt;">My challenge was to understand what was beyond
the fortress of her silent pain. </span><span style="color: #515b65; font-family: "Gentium Basic", serif; font-size: 12pt;"> </span><span style="color: #515b65; font-family: "Gentium Basic", serif; font-size: 12pt;">At
first glance, one would say, “of course she’s been hurt, he cheated”. </span><span style="color: #515b65; font-family: "Gentium Basic", serif; font-size: 12pt;"> </span><span style="color: #515b65; font-family: "Gentium Basic", serif; font-size: 12pt;">In one sense that’s true - an affair is a
fundamental violation of trust. </span><span style="color: #515b65; font-family: "Gentium Basic", serif; font-size: 12pt;"> </span><span style="color: #515b65; font-family: "Gentium Basic", serif; font-size: 12pt;">But the
story doesn’t end there.</span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="color: #515b65; font-family: "Gentium Basic","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-CA;">Saskia had a traumatic history in a
politically turbulent country. Where she came from, women were attacked, raped,
abused, and labeled “meat” by men because they could be used and discarded so
easily.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="color: #515b65; font-family: "Gentium Basic","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-CA;">She chose her husband Amin because he
didn’t fit the profile of what she knew men to be. He was a good guy, with good
values. She believed that she of all women had found a man who wouldn’t hurt
her and could redeem her of her dim view of men. Amin, unknowingly, had been
scripted into the role of the “golden apple”. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But then Amin had an affair.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="color: #515b65; font-family: "Gentium Basic","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-CA;">You will hear people say, “it’s not
that you cheated, it’s that you lied”. For her, this complaint was expressed in
sharp relief. By putting another woman ahead of her, Amin made her feel
invisible. For Saskia, who viewed Amin as the one potential mate who would not
violate this unwritten code, this was devastating. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
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<span style="color: #515b65; font-family: "Gentium Basic","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-CA;">Likewise, Amin’s reasons for cheating
were no less complicated than his wife’s feelings about betrayal. He talks
openly of feeling lonely and abandoned by his wife. He says that a lack of
communication and the years-long misunderstandings between them has pushed them
apart, so he sought comfort elsewhere.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="color: #515b65; font-family: "Gentium Basic","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-CA;">But he too has a piece of the iceberg
that is not visible to me. Alongside his feelings of discontent, Amin had
learned in his childhood to keep a part of himself secret. Amin, because of his
upbringing, had mastered the art of the double life; compliant at home, and
rebellious on the outside. This layer was helpful for me to place his actions
in context — another piece of the story.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="color: #515b65; font-family: "inherit","serif"; font-size: 16.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-CA;">Having conversations they’ve never
had before<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh_QctHjCFFZBWwULLLv0elOisTdPTCsWccuTadOW6IfPAJyb-xvVw7NuTcMdtpKC8e5ard5miEBjfVfrsTQrK0eJ1sIwg3-J7v9ErYishL50duO0R3HQy2o1_ec3PMdioUTt8z7nhl5JE/s1600/infidelity.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1100" data-original-width="1600" height="220" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh_QctHjCFFZBWwULLLv0elOisTdPTCsWccuTadOW6IfPAJyb-xvVw7NuTcMdtpKC8e5ard5miEBjfVfrsTQrK0eJ1sIwg3-J7v9ErYishL50duO0R3HQy2o1_ec3PMdioUTt8z7nhl5JE/s320/infidelity.jpeg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="color: #515b65; font-family: "Gentium Basic","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-CA;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: #515b65; font-family: "Gentium Basic","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-CA;">Amin’s affair took place at the end
of a long period of distancing for the couple, which accelerated after the
births of their children. By the time Amin turned to another, the couple’s sex
life was, in both of their recollections, “terrible”. More importantly, their
communication had deteriorated. Their story was one of loneliness and their
communication had become a race to the bottom.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="color: #515b65; font-family: "Gentium Basic","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-CA;">Saskia and Amin had both been
sexually unfulfilled for years. But post-affair, they were refreshingly honest
about their sex life for the first time.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #515b65; font-family: "Gentium Basic","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-CA;">For many couples a betrayal is the
first time they talk about core issues in a relationship, during what I call
the meaning-making phase. After the crisis phase has died down, they begin to
try to figure out what went wrong.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="color: #515b65; font-family: "inherit","serif"; font-size: 16.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-CA;">Once trust is broken, can it be
healed?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="color: #515b65; font-family: "Gentium Basic","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-CA;">For many couples, infidelity isn’t
the ultimate deal breaker. And whether or not infidelity ends the relationship,
it acts as powerful alarm system that often jolts a couple out of complacency
and makes them realize what they stand to lose, or what they have already lost.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #515b65; font-family: "Gentium Basic","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-CA;">For
Saskia and Amin, this session did not have a happy ending with the bow on top
to match. However, they did begin to talk about topics and feelings that had
laid dormant up to and in the wake of the affair. The road is not always a
straight line.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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This article was written by <b>Esther Perel</b>, author of The
State of Affairs and Mating in Captivity.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<b>Esther Perel</b> (born 1958) is a Belgian <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Psychotherapist" title="Psychotherapist">psychotherapist</a> notable
for exploring the tension between the need for security (love, belonging and
closeness) and the need for freedom (erotic desire, adventure and distance) in
human relationships.<o:p></o:p></div>
<br />Holistic Counselhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07567539006834731104noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1365803764902064742.post-43098904040293746712018-02-24T13:34:00.000-08:002018-02-24T13:34:12.399-08:00Is Unconditional Love Possible?<br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 15pt;">What we're really asking each other
for, and what we should seek instead.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">Wouldn’t it be
wonderful if we were loved and accepted exactly as we are? Many times
during </span><span style="color: black; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">psychotherapy</span><span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"> sessions, my clients have uttered some version of, “I just want to
be unconditionally loved! I want someone who can accept me with my flaws and
foibles.”</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">I’m very sympathetic
to the desire for a partner who is not prone to fixing and changing us. As psychologist Harville Hendrix has
stated, one purpose of adult relationships is to heal old </span><span style="color: black; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">childhood</span><span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"> wounds. A common wound is
not feeling seen and accepted as we are. </span><span style="color: black; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">Love</span><span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"> relationships can help heal childhood deficits by allowing us
feel welcomed, wanted, and embraced as we are.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">Each individual, however, has their
own set of vulnerabilities and needs; there is a limit to what others
can accept about us. Clinging to a demand that we be unconditionally loved
might give us license to be self-centered or destructive. If we have affairs
or are emotionally abusive, can we expect our partner to keep
tolerating such damaging behavior?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">It’s a pleasant
fantasy to desire someone always to be there for us, regardless of how
obnoxious we might be. Could our plea for unconditional love be a convenient
way to use romantic or s</span><span style="color: black; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">piritual</span><span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"> language as a way to cling to our </span><span style="color: black; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">narcissism</span><span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"> and avoid noticing how we affect others?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">What Self Do We Want
Others to Love?</span></b><span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">Sure, we want to be
accepted for who we are. But are we truly <i>being</i> who we really
are? Or are we being a self that has been defensively constructed to avoid
the vulnerable aspects of who we are? Have we built walls of defenses and
mistakenly taken this fabricated self to be our authentic self? And then proudly insist that people accept and
love this distorted, reactive self?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">The notion of
unconditional love raises tricky questions. Are we expecting our partner
to love our nasty, prickly self? Is being angry and critical hiding something
deeper that we don’t want to face or feel? Might our aggressive outbursts
reflect a defensive pattern whereby we hide more tender parts of
ourselves?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">Criticism and
contempt have been identified by researcher John Gottman as reliable predictors
of relationship distress and </span><span style="color: black; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">divorce</span><span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">. If we have a pattern of lashing out in <span style="color: black; text-decoration-line: none;">anger</span> when we don’t get our way, we may
insist that we want to be accepted for that. But how might you feel if your
partner lashed out unpredictably, perhaps when you’re feeling most vulnerable?
Even a saint would have difficulty experiencing love during such moments. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">We may hide our true
feelings because we don’t want to feel uncomfortably exposed. Consequently, our
feelings may come out indirectly. Distancing from what is alive inside us may
explain why we feel irritable, moody, or angry sometimes… It takes a quiet
inner strength to expose what is vulnerably alive inside us. We can relate to
others in a more direct, fulfilling way as we become mindful of what we’re
really experiencing and show our true feelings and wants without misdirection,
games, or </span><span style="color: black; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">shame</span><span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"> about who we really are.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">I have found Eugene
Gendlin's research-based approach known as <a href="http://www.holisticcounsel.com/focusing/">Focusing</a> to be especially
helpful in uncovering deeper feelings.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">Dancing with a
Difficult Partner</span></b><span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">You want to be loved
as you are? That’s understandable. You want to be accepted with your human
flaws and limitations? Of course! It’s easier to garner compassion if your
partner can trust that you’re making a sincere effort to become more aware of
your true feelings and longings.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">If you have a
challenging partner, you might recognize their tendency to be
reactive and critical. Your love might prompt you to explore this together
rather than separate, which includes looking at your possible
contribution to cycles of conflict. But it would be unrealistic to
practice unconditional love in the sense of accepting hurtful behaviors without
voicing how they affect you and asserting that it’s not okay to be treated this
way. This would be self-neglect, not unconditional love. In some situations, it
might be easier to love unconditionally from a distance rather than remain in a
partnership that is destructive.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">If your partner
pleads with you to seek help through couples therapy, you might want to
consider it. Perhaps see this as an invitation to uncover and reveal more of
who you really are—and to learn how to do so together in a constructive way.
It’s difficult to see ourselves and our interactional dynamics clearly without
reflections back from a </span><span style="color: black; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">wise</span><span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">, caring guide. I have found the research-based approach of </span><a href="http://www.iceeft.com/" target="_blank"><span style="color: black; font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Emotionally Focused Therapy </span></a><span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"> for couples
(developed by </span><a href="http://www.amazon.com/Hold-Me-Tight-Conversations-Lifetime/dp/1491513810" target="_blank"><span style="color: black; font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Dr. Sue Johnson </span></a><span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">) to be particularly beneficial. As the
sage Rumi suggested, “Without a guide it will take you two hundred
years for a journey of two years.”<o:p></o:p></span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgnYn_651Ocr2VR83TfWFusfFNFI4FnxxjoDjgbJvB1WUQiSnzKXY9bA4azI8SJM9BlK9s1ourlf6B3IXxSgh-om6hxEMD3XfQaIqaH6Ud2zmMOENhrQ9wdJ41x0QmwH0DJwI5Q3TVQHZE/s1600/images.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="183" data-original-width="275" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgnYn_651Ocr2VR83TfWFusfFNFI4FnxxjoDjgbJvB1WUQiSnzKXY9bA4azI8SJM9BlK9s1ourlf6B3IXxSgh-om6hxEMD3XfQaIqaH6Ud2zmMOENhrQ9wdJ41x0QmwH0DJwI5Q3TVQHZE/s1600/images.jpg" /></a></div>
<b><span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">Mutuality</span></b></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">Children need
our unconditional love. But <i>mature</i> love
is nourished through mutuality. Just as our garden needs ample
sunshine and watering, we are sustained by respect, </span><span style="color: black; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">understanding</span><span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">, and nurturing.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">John Amodeo, Ph.D.,
MFT, is author of the award-winning book, </span><a href="http://www.amazon.com/Dancing-Fire-Mindful-Loving-Relationships/dp/0835609146/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1439065119&sr=8-1&keywords=dancing+with+fire" target="_blank"><i><span style="color: black; font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Dancing with Fire: A Mindful Way to Loving Relationships </span></i><span style="color: black; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"> </span></a><span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">If
you like this article or know someone who may be interested in it, please feel
free to forward it to them.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />Holistic Counselhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07567539006834731104noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1365803764902064742.post-90591252458570739282018-01-15T13:18:00.000-08:002018-02-02T13:51:00.367-08:00Love is Within Reach<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhS2jp_5KodBJxM6pZt_nKMmcDSa5yOskZZDOt0ra9OVIG9rOtks6n_vnJ56oc2FVWudZPBPv59prAxdaJa4xw6cTpWPvBX1kX3tWtfVZu2U6ov4O6Rpj5fUOUWuYCVtr2YPUpN_qa1cB4/s1600/1206131983ikx95fp.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="400" data-original-width="600" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhS2jp_5KodBJxM6pZt_nKMmcDSa5yOskZZDOt0ra9OVIG9rOtks6n_vnJ56oc2FVWudZPBPv59prAxdaJa4xw6cTpWPvBX1kX3tWtfVZu2U6ov4O6Rpj5fUOUWuYCVtr2YPUpN_qa1cB4/s320/1206131983ikx95fp.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;">By Dr. </span><a href="http://qz.com/175666/the-one-surprising-thing-that-can-make-every-marriage-work-logic/?utm_content=buffer06225&utm_medium=social&utm_source=facebook.com&utm_campaign=buffer" style="font-size: 12pt;">Sue
Johnson</a></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Marriage may be on the rise but
that doesn’t mean we’re getting any better at relationships. Now research shows
that love may be less of a mystery, a frenzy of sex and emotion and instead the
result of behavior that we can apply logic to.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">As a clinical psychologist and
researcher for over 25 years, it’s become clear that two things make or break
relationships: the ability to respond emotionally and offer support when it’s
needed.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"> <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Numerous studies, <span style="color: windowtext;">including my own</span> research on how couples successfully repair
their love relationships, confirm that the ability to respond to a lover’s
emotional signals builds secure and lasting bonds. These studies are part of
the revolutionary new science that has, in the last 15 years, outlined the laws
and logic of love. This science has progressed to the point where we cannot
only help a couple move into satisfaction, but build the kind of secure
connection where simply holding a partner’s hand calms your brain and lessens
pain, even in the face of the threat of electric shock.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">When logic and science show us the
way, we can shape and heal romantic bonds. Using an intervention called
emotionally focused therapy (EFT), we’ve found that 70 to 73% of couples can
completely repair their relationship and 86% can make significant and lasting
improvements to their bond. During EFT, we show couples how the habitual way
they send out signals to their partner triggers wired-in threat responses, so
that neither partner feels safe enough to reach for the other. We then help
them identify their emotional needs for belonging and support, and communicate
them in a way that pulls their partner close.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<i><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">A typical couple I see are like Paul and Amy. Paul is a smart, focused
man in his mid-forties who has made a fortune with his cutting edge computer
company. He walks into my office with his wife, Amy, who has announced that,
after 10 years and two kids, she is about to leave him. He tells me, “I can
figure anything out, but I just don’t get why she is so angry with me. I do all
the tasks and solve the problems around the house. But I never get it right.
She is never happy with me. It’s like I have no tools—my head can’t figure this
one out.”<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
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<br /></div>
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<i><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">I tell him. “You know how to focus and pay attention; you know how to put
things together in a way that makes sense. It is just a question of changing
the program a little.” He smiles. Amy
looks at me, doubt all over her face. But four months later, she too is
smiling. What has Paul learned?<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
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<i><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></i></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">He learned that love is an
exquisitely logical survival code designed to keep special others we can depend
on close to us and that his <i>intellectual
explanations and emotional distancing</i> were danger cues for his lonely wife.
He learned to let his wife know when her criticism hurt rather than exiting
into logic and distance. Reading the research of Nancy Eisenberger from UCLA
helped him grasp how his brain coded rejection from his wife as a threat to
survival, responding in the exact same way as to physical pain, cueing his
freeze and flee response.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">He discovered how to tune into the
emotional channel, share his fears of rejection and explicitly ask for the
reassurance he needed, and encourage his wife to do that same. We call this a
Hold Me Tight conversation and across nine studies it consistently predicted
successful relationship repair.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Paul had the usual reservations about
asking for caring. He, like the rest of us had been taught that needing loving
connection was somehow a weakness or a sign of immaturity. Research shows that
those of us who can effectively turn to others for support are the most
confident, resistant to stress, most able to risk, explore and reach career
goals, and also the ones who have the most positive sense of self. The new research on mirror neurons fascinated
him and persuaded him that it was important to turn towards and look directly
into Amy’s face to trigger these neurons in his brain and allow him to directly
feel in his body the emotions he saw in her face. This way he could grasp her
emotional reality, read her intentions, and move in harmony with her.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">He told Amy that he shut down to deal
with his sense of bewilderment about how to respond to her and that he needed
her support. “And I get that I have to stay in the emotional channel and let
you know I am there for you,” he began. “That is what matters in love. I don’t
always have to have the answer or solve the problem. Just really being there
and helping each other with our emotions is the solution.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg907wCY_NyPYWv6n1T8LeTJy0UDKYLXe8SjvYLmvN1bQVb7AanK7ECetGyuMfV7bskjySE3y52z3PWtmM_42GA_3qlU-CpeSnoF4t-0S52JPMchP_xgGjlRWnbexGsJbFEGmT_nofZ7LM/s1600/44.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="350" data-original-width="804" height="139" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg907wCY_NyPYWv6n1T8LeTJy0UDKYLXe8SjvYLmvN1bQVb7AanK7ECetGyuMfV7bskjySE3y52z3PWtmM_42GA_3qlU-CpeSnoF4t-0S52JPMchP_xgGjlRWnbexGsJbFEGmT_nofZ7LM/s320/44.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span><i><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Dr. Johnson’s new book is </span></i><span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><a href="http://www.amazon.com/Love-Sense-Revolutionary-Romantic-Relationships/dp/0316133760?tag=quartz07-20" target="_blank"><i>Love Sense: The Revolutionary New Science of Romantic
Relationships</i></a></span></div>
Holistic Counselhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07567539006834731104noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1365803764902064742.post-44034148021128919272017-11-25T14:09:00.001-08:002017-11-25T14:09:42.719-08:00The Power of Authenticity to Create Intimacy<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-right: 7.5pt; mso-line-height-alt: 13.2pt; mso-outline-level: 1;">
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<span style="color: #999999; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-CA;"> Written by:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #999999; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-CA;"> </span><span style="color: #2e7061; letter-spacing: -0.1pt; text-indent: -18pt;"><a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/john-amodeo-phd" style="text-indent: -18pt;">John
Amodeo, PhD</a> </span><span style="color: #999999; text-indent: -18pt;">Author of Dancing with Fire: A Mindful Way to Loving Relationships</span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh10ZO0ozBz0tmShE2YTV0yFgkLxctu16r5dKA_kjPkBjKEcYqIXAQqVoyoVWJ0s3Ktc6auh2TunEeFJ9aMZVgbx-CxhyyxmHp7l1D_CjNJf4t1TPD1cMaphAtnFskDsq-M9GddOyUMksI/s1600/Discover-true-intimacy-300x240.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="240" data-original-width="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh10ZO0ozBz0tmShE2YTV0yFgkLxctu16r5dKA_kjPkBjKEcYqIXAQqVoyoVWJ0s3Ktc6auh2TunEeFJ9aMZVgbx-CxhyyxmHp7l1D_CjNJf4t1TPD1cMaphAtnFskDsq-M9GddOyUMksI/s1600/Discover-true-intimacy-300x240.jpg" /></a></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;">We long for
acceptance, love, and connection. But oftentimes we don't know how to create
it. We may push away the love we long for.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Love and
intimacy don't blossom by trying to pull it toward us or manipulating people.
Connections thrive as we create a climate that's conducive for them. Love and
intimacy have a greater opportunity to grow as we cultivate a climate of
authenticity.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Being
authentic in relationships is easier said than done. It requires that we tend
closely to our actual felt experience. Rather than defend and protect
ourselves, it means finding the courage to allow ourselves to be vulnerable and
then show that to a person we want to be close to.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Dr. Eugene
Gendlin, whose research led to the innovative approach known as
"Focusing," ( see <a href="http://www.holisticcounsel.com/focusing/">http://www.holisticcounsel.com/focusing/</a>
for more information) found that clients who made the most progress in
psychotherapy (despite the orientation of the therapist) were those who were
contacting and speaking from their actual felt experience. They paused,
stammered, and groped for words or images to describe their deeper experience
rather than just talking from their heads. Things shifted and opened up as they
stayed with their authentic experience from moment to moment.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Apply this
principle to relationships: When we share what we're experiencing with each
other, intimacy is more likely to arise. Dr. Sue Johnson, the primary developer
of Emotionally Focused Therapy for couples (EFT), invites couples to contact
and share what they're really feeling and wanting -- and she helps clients find
the words to convey this. Through the power of such authenticity, conflict
often yields to deeper connections.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Couples may
enter my office complaining that they're having a communication problem.
Although there is often truth in this, more fundamentally, they are usually
having a self-awareness problem. They are in touch with their anger, their
blame, and their perceptions about their partner (they're selfish, insensitive,
or bad), but they're not connected to the tender feelings and longings beneath
their criticisms and accusations. And they're not skilled at communicating
their authentic experience in a sensitive, respectful way.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Blaming and
analyzing others pushes them away. It doesn’t create the safety necessary for
deep communication. It covers up what they're actually experiencing, which is
usually something more vulnerable, such as sadness, fear, or shame -- or a
longing to connect in a deeper way. Finding the courage to contact and convey
this deeper experience, perhaps with the help of a couples therapist when
necessary, is a key to resolving conflicts and creating a climate for a richer,
more vibrant intimacy.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">There are
layers to our authentic experience. Being authentic means taking the elevator
down inside ourselves and noticing whatever we happen to be experiencing right
now. It may change from moment to moment.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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</div>
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<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">For example,
we might be authentically feeling anger. As we stay gently present with that
rather than act it out, it might shift into something else. We might notice
sadness beneath the anger, or an unmet need for kindness and closeness. If we
can be</span><span style="background-color: white;"> </span><span style="font-size: 12pt;">patient with ourselves -- allowing the time necessary to uncover what most authentically lives within us -- we can then share that, which might
invite our partner toward us and create a richer, more fulfilling intimacy.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>Feel free to forward this to anyone you think might be interested</i></div>
Holistic Counselhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07567539006834731104noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1365803764902064742.post-18670162097469282202017-08-04T14:24:00.002-07:002017-08-04T16:15:06.826-07:00How to Listen to Pain<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>--by Jill Suttie, syndicated from Greater Good, Feb 25,
2016 interview with <o:p></o:p>Brené Brown</i></div>
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<i><br /></i></div>
<h3 style="text-align: center;">
<i><b>Why do we feel shame and how does shame change us?</b></i></h3>
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<i><br /></i></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjY-4hI3_knC7ctxgZJ2syP4rPnpvUkzEMLPo7eMOdtOqk3mXqGRZhbCRulbM6jlvIuXpn7uWI1wRDDTtUSCleSsxJicXni4XNSfc9i-yXlhDzsC4hL8WiPyAJ-pezp2UrYOMXYX5XXLTE/s1600/IGS-Vulnerability-1080x627.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="627" data-original-width="1080" height="185" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjY-4hI3_knC7ctxgZJ2syP4rPnpvUkzEMLPo7eMOdtOqk3mXqGRZhbCRulbM6jlvIuXpn7uWI1wRDDTtUSCleSsxJicXni4XNSfc9i-yXlhDzsC4hL8WiPyAJ-pezp2UrYOMXYX5XXLTE/s320/IGS-Vulnerability-1080x627.png" width="320" /></a></div>
<o:p></o:p><br />
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<br /></div>
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<b><i>Shame is the most powerful, master emotion. It's the fear
that we're not good enough. --Brené Brown</i></b><o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
According to Brené Brown, a researcher at the University of
Houston, shame is an “intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that
we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging.” It’s an emotion
that affects all of us and profoundly shapes the way we interact in the world.
But, depending on how we deal with it, shame can either shut us down or lead us
to a new sense of bravery and authenticity.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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<b>Jill Suttie: Why do you think it’s important to study shame
and vulnerability?</b><o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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Brené Brown: Because they are such a big part of our
emotional landscape and daily experience. For shame, it’s about shining a light
in some dark corners and normalizing some universal experiences that by
definition make us feel very alone.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
As for vulnerability, a lot of people believe that
vulnerability is the centre of dark and difficult emotions that we don’t want
to feel; so they guard against it. The truth is that vulnerability is the
centre of all emotions. We’re emotional beings, and to understand our emotions
is going to require a bit of uncertainty and risk<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>JS: What do you mean by vulnerability being at the centre of
all emotion?</b><o:p></o:p></div>
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<b><br /></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
BB: Based on the research, I define vulnerability as
uncertainty, risk and emotional exposure. When we feel dark emotions—when we
feel grief or shame or fear, scarcity, disappointment—we feel risk and
uncertainty, and we feel emotionally exposed and raw. But vulnerability is also
the birthplace of love, joy, belonging, trust, intimacy, creativity, and all of
the good things. If we’re practicing a guarded heart life, we’re pushing away
the things we’re most desperate for.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>JS: Can you talk about the difference between shame and
guilt?</b><o:p></o:p></div>
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<b><br /></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
BB: The easiest way to separate shame from guilt is to say
shame is “I’m bad” and guilt is “I did something bad.” Shame is a focus on
self; guilt is a focus on behaviour. An easy parenting example would be saying,
“You’re stupid” versus “You’re a great kid that made a bad decision.” It’s very
hard to get out from underneath shame because, if that’s who you are, what is
the potential for change?<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>JS: Why should we engage with shame in the way you describe
in your book when it’s so painful? What’s the benefit to that?</b><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><br /></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
BB: Shame needs three things to grow exponentially: secrecy,
silence, and judgment. Those are not authentic responses. So, dealing with
shame while maintaining authenticity and cultivating more courage, connection,
and compassion in your relationships is what’s needed. It’s a tall order. But
one of the by products of being able to move through shame constructively is
that people who come out the other side by default feel braver, more connected
and compassionate.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>JS: Do you have advice for people who grew up in families
where emotions were ignored or downplayed?</b><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><br /></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
BB: I’m a big believer in therapy. I could not have done
this work without a really great therapist. I don’t think we can do this work
alone, because we were never meant to. It’s not how we’re wired. We’re wired
for connection, from mirror neurons on down, and in the absence of connection,
there’s suffering. So, I think just starting small conversations with people we
trust and care about and being honest about wanting to learn more and do more
about our shame is a good step. It’s all about being in connection while we’re
in this learning process.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>JS: What do you hope people will most take away from your
work?</b><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 15pt; margin: 7.5pt 0cm 12pt;">
</div>
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BB: I hope more than anything that it starts a conversation.
I hope my work helps people feel less alone and gives them the permission and
the language to talk about the most important parts of being human—both the
hard parts and the most beautiful parts.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhKpVFUZH9d6zLjmitQRwXD5uhxlw3tfdCLIaivqozEOzs9URILkNv6zysyOHNTDUBHMtQ14vY_Y5JIhGXqxGbb_MLDrji-zKHW-5DltsD3_NlRJLszcUkf94HHdtIXOq7gIDpYxSbt6fA/s1600/brene+brown.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="293" data-original-width="230" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhKpVFUZH9d6zLjmitQRwXD5uhxlw3tfdCLIaivqozEOzs9URILkNv6zysyOHNTDUBHMtQ14vY_Y5JIhGXqxGbb_MLDrji-zKHW-5DltsD3_NlRJLszcUkf94HHdtIXOq7gIDpYxSbt6fA/s200/brene+brown.jpg" width="156" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
Brene Brown is a researcher at the University of Houston.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
Her TED talk on the power of vulnerability is the fourth most popular talk of all time and has been viewed by over 23 million people, while her books are all bestsellers, including The Gifts of Imperfection, Daring Greatly and her latest book, Rising Strong.</div>
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Holistic Counselhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07567539006834731104noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1365803764902064742.post-59924932968532482362017-06-09T15:26:00.000-07:002017-06-09T15:26:30.160-07:00How can I stay motivated to deepen sexuality and intimacy<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><br /></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">This blog was written by Ester Perel, author of Mating in Captivity.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjguAn5nA_plminyvv8r5uvd6vsIAuFbIDdmYbtgk6gFKYeSSSSzEmZHl77TvK8fwRxiBWLb1Q9Wnh4CEN6BkgdSa1kWhHmAE4RurXVJK27vJjnk-UixzR1CiWstHArNjO-ecWWTqEpYXw/s1600/Stocksy_txp8ef3f691mdp000_Small_696623-e1455974346395-400x366.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="366" data-original-width="400" height="292" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjguAn5nA_plminyvv8r5uvd6vsIAuFbIDdmYbtgk6gFKYeSSSSzEmZHl77TvK8fwRxiBWLb1Q9Wnh4CEN6BkgdSa1kWhHmAE4RurXVJK27vJjnk-UixzR1CiWstHArNjO-ecWWTqEpYXw/s320/Stocksy_txp8ef3f691mdp000_Small_696623-e1455974346395-400x366.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<i><br /></i></div>
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<i><br /></i></div>
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<i>How can I stay motivated to deepen sexuality and intimacy
between us, if my partner isn’t onboard with me?</i> -- Gabriella, 44<br />
<br />
Often in a relationship, there is one person who drives the closeness,
intimacy, and connection (the pursuer). And another partner who tends to
sustain distance, aim for space, and emphasize autonomy (the distancer).<br />
<br />
This is typical in any relationship. The fact that one person wants more
closeness than the other is not unusual. Gabriella feels like she’s the only
one in the partnership who cares about their intimate connection, and her
partner does not value it. If she feels alone, this can lead to a ladder of
escalating negative emotions: Rejection > Ashamed for wanting connection
> Questioning self worth > Feel unloved, etc.<br />
<br />
If there is a solid foundation in the relationship, this type of conversation
is one I recommend for many of my pursuer partner clients: “I totally
understand that you’re on a different page than me right now. We don’t feel the
same way. But I do need to know that you care about me, that you have empathy
for what I’m going through, and that I’m not being dismissed. I don’t need you
to want what I want, but I do need that you care about what I want, and you
value that I what it.”<br />
<br />
If you want more intimacy with your partner, but you seem to be on different
pages, these questions may help generate a conversation like the one above:<br />
<br />
What is going on for you right now? What is holding you back?<br />
What can we do to change this together?<br />
Is there anything you need from me so we can proceed in a direction that gives
both of us what we are looking for?<br />
What is going on for you sexually?<br />
<br />
You want to try to understand if the reasons have to do with the relationship,
with you, or if they are really the struggles of your partner, which he or she
needs to take responsibility for him or herself.<o:p></o:p><br />
<br />
<br />
<span style="border: 1pt none; color: #333333; font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; padding: 0cm;"><i style="color: blue; font-family: tahoma; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="font-family: "lucida calligraphy"; font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: 16pt;">Ganga</span></span></i><i style="color: blue; font-family: tahoma; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="font-family: "lucida calligraphy"; font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: 16pt;"> Daryanani</span></span></i><i style="color: blue; font-family: tahoma; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="font-family: "lucida calligraphy"; font-size: medium;"><span style="font-size: 14pt;">, RSW</span></span></i></span><br />
<br />
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</div>
<i style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, helvetica, sans-serif;">Ganga@holisticcounsel.com</i><br />
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<div style="margin: 0px;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><i><br /></i></span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><i>416 769 6810</i></span></div>
<div style="margin: 0px;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><i><br /></i></span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><i>www.Holisticcounsel.com</i></span></div>
<div style="margin: 0px;">
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Holistic Counselhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07567539006834731104noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1365803764902064742.post-4361133394592183482017-05-16T13:24:00.001-07:002017-05-16T13:24:52.659-07:00We bicker all the time… What should I do?<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><i><b>By</b>
<b>Ester Perel</b> </i>who</span><span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"> is a sex and relationship therapist, best-selling author of <b><i>Mating in Captivity</i></b> and a consultant for the hit
Showtime series <b><i>The Affair</i></b></span><br />
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<i><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">“We
bicker all the time, she’s so critical of me and I don’t feel like I am doing
anything right. What should I do?” – Anthony, Boston<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj416SqsCaf27r4IQsSbg5nncDOGKROi5Tw6N3CgxcrpvpyGkQz2Zk6lbOWlARKCVtKUzxiMOoJ84smzJEbDmp5rJFr9MpZs1voURJBx473ZQmiAKXbNsJumbBL7Xin5JUjNc7mvTP1YGU/s1600/download.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj416SqsCaf27r4IQsSbg5nncDOGKROi5Tw6N3CgxcrpvpyGkQz2Zk6lbOWlARKCVtKUzxiMOoJ84smzJEbDmp5rJFr9MpZs1voURJBx473ZQmiAKXbNsJumbBL7Xin5JUjNc7mvTP1YGU/s1600/download.jpg" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Anthony’s
question is powerful because it is so common.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">I think of
bickering as low intensity chronic warfare. Ongoing criticism can lead to the
demise of the relationship. And if we criticize as a way of asking to be loved,
well then we will often produce precisely the opposite effect of what we seek:
to be loved and to feel good about ourselves. If we spend much of our time
feeling lousy, unloved, devalued, inadequate and inept, we are on the wrong
side of the tracks. So what can we do to reset this negative pattern?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Pay
Attention to What’s Working</span></b><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">When our
relationship is in distress, we tend to overlook the good and overemphasize the
bad.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">To counter
this, try keeping a daily list of everything that your partner does that is
positive, everything that you appreciate, everything that you can be thankful
for. Do this for ten days in a row.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Each note
can be as simple as: <i>“Made me a cup of tea</i>” or “<i>Locked door on
way out</i>”. Instead of elevating <i>the</i>
annoying, elevate the minute details of your partner’s generosity and
thoughtfulness.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Focus on
what is working. Pay attention.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">The ratio of
appreciation is crucial to a good relationship. Take the log one step further
and make a big deal every time the other person does something positive.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">This will
kick you out of a defeating cycle of negativity. And will motivate your partner
towards acts of kindness.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Let
Yourself Be Vulnerable</span></b><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">What’s
important to understand about criticism is that it sits on top of a mountain
of disappointments of unmet needs and unfulfilled longings.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Every
criticism often holds a veiled wish. When your partner says to you, <i>“You’re never around”,</i> what they may
actually mean is <i>“I’m lonely, I miss you
when you’re not here.”</i><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">When
Anthony’s partner tells him he never brings her along when he goes hiking, what
she is also trying to tell him is <i>“I wish
we would go hiking together”</i>.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">I recommend
that Anthony and his partner both say what they want and not what the other did
not do. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Often I
suggest this to couples and they complain, <i>“But
I already did exactly that and I got nothing”</i>. Try again.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">It is
tempting to launch into anger instead of experiencing the vulnerability of
putting yourself out there, asking for something and waiting for the
possibility that you won’t get it.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">For many, anger is easier to express
than hurt.</span></b><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"> Anger can
feel like a confidence booster and an analgesic. Yet the more we communicate
through anger, the more anger we get in return, creating a negative cycle of
escalations.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Reflect
& Take Responsibility</span></b><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">If you have
ever done any breathing exercises, or yoga classes, you may have noticed that
there is a space at the end of each inhale and exhale. A moment to pause.
Similarly, economists and psychologists often encourage this moment of pause
before making a large purchase.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Instead of
shifting into instantaneous blame, take a moment to shift from reaction to
reflection.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Why am I
angry? What do I want? Instead of going for the jugular, take responsibility
for what you feel and state it.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">When couples
come to therapy and they are in escalating cycles – things change when each
person begins to take responsibility. This is true for both Anthony and his
partner. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiCCTtOCxsvZHzrE9gGKxm-hHSFbGGFpDtl1DGDgyZ2eqBUYp85iQjuOIoveXIf_4LpwgklbrTpCA7fj_X4qJEhAnPRbaXa3ikNtocm3m4Fky48BCrNnKJhj1xtDZVTr-NRT-JkDfaZA4A/s1600/marriage-relationships-mood-moody-waking-woke-awake-cza0945_low.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="244" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiCCTtOCxsvZHzrE9gGKxm-hHSFbGGFpDtl1DGDgyZ2eqBUYp85iQjuOIoveXIf_4LpwgklbrTpCA7fj_X4qJEhAnPRbaXa3ikNtocm3m4Fky48BCrNnKJhj1xtDZVTr-NRT-JkDfaZA4A/s320/marriage-relationships-mood-moody-waking-woke-awake-cza0945_low.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<o:p></o:p><br />
<b><span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">Remember,
seek professional help</span></span></b><span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"> at
the early signs of relationship difficulties.
Waiting too long is never worth it, because you get stuck in negative
patterns of interaction that become increasingly automatic, rigidly entrenched and
more and more difficult to change.</span>
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<!--[endif]--></span>Holistic Counselhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07567539006834731104noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1365803764902064742.post-12719288083002131172017-03-10T14:10:00.000-08:002017-03-10T15:24:05.532-08:00Monogamy?<div class="MsoNormal">
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj_EuSsacVGmNjR1b0-kETH30D15HCNnWzuBzPmNFPBLahG38OUDNtmN0K_Dkfy2XqEQ4QTE45MCrpG22m8kS5tGzVynaywR5hVJ7dvXqlCU9s5df0Nd7rmQ7zUZSxcgES9bWmSaxIEyQE/s1600/The-Future-of-Monogamy.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="216" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj_EuSsacVGmNjR1b0-kETH30D15HCNnWzuBzPmNFPBLahG38OUDNtmN0K_Dkfy2XqEQ4QTE45MCrpG22m8kS5tGzVynaywR5hVJ7dvXqlCU9s5df0Nd7rmQ7zUZSxcgES9bWmSaxIEyQE/s320/The-Future-of-Monogamy.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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According to Dr. Sue Johnson, author of:"Hold me Tight " and" Love Sense": Monogamy is getting a bad rap these days. We're told that we
should all grow up and accept that it's impossible and that we're just
naturally promiscuous. Monogamy is more and more portrayed as a state of
deprivation, where deadening familiarity robs us of magic and thrills in the
bedroom and beyond, and cheating is viewed as inevitable.<o:p></o:p></div>
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But most of us (about 75% of us, according to several
different studies) do not cheat on our partners. And, even though, until
recently, we had no map or any kind of scientific understanding of love to
guide us, more than half of us manage to stay together for a lifetime.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Rigorous survey data from the University of Chicago also
shows that long-term committed couples are the happiest, most satisfied, have
more sex and report that their sex lives are more thrilling. Here are five
reasons, why monogamy — especially now that bonding science shows us how to
shape and hold onto love — is no dysfunctional delusion. It is simply the best
way to be.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<b>1. It's in our nature
to hold onto and protect the bond with a chosen mate.<o:p></o:p></b></div>
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We are mammals who must collaborate closely over time to
rear extremely vulnerable young. A clear preference to mate, stay close to,
groom, care for and protect one partner is the norm in such mammals. This does
not mean that recreational sex never occurs; it means that it's an occasional
side show, a deviation from an adaptive norm, not a better option.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<b>2. Love is an ancient
survival code designed to keep a trusted loved one close.<o:p></o:p></b></div>
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We now know that this need for safe haven connection with an
irreplaceable other is our most compelling drive, one that has shaped our
chemistry and our nervous system. Sex in mammals is a bonding behavior. We mate
face to face, touch and caress, and we are flooded with the bonding hormone,
oxytocin, when we “make love.”<o:p></o:p></div>
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Oxytocin turns off fear, turns on reward hormones and moves
us into calm contentment. No wonder we long for love. When usually monogamous mammals
like prairie voles are given drugs to block oxytocin, they are more likely to
stray; when given extra oxytocin they practically groom their mate into the
ground.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<b>3. The cost of
infidelity is high.<o:p></o:p></b></div>
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Partners are generally unable and unwilling to share the one
they love. Sam, like most partners tells me, “I don’t even know why I did it.
It wasn’t like I was consumed with lust for my secretary or was hankering after
a different partner. I had lost my connection with my wife, Kim. Nothing seemed
to work between us. I was depressed and lonely. Taking my secretary out for
coffee was comforting and it felt good that she liked me. I told myself that
Kim wouldn’t find out and that it wouldn’t really change anything. The whole
thing just seemed very separate from my family.”<o:p></o:p></div>
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Sam denied and compartmentalized, but he was wrong about
Kim’s response. She felt traumatized and betrayed. Since we have such a deep
need for a secure bond with a lover we can count on, it is natural and
inevitable that Kim experiences Sam’s affair as a significant threat. She asked
Sam to move out. With help, this couple were able to move into forgiveness. So
yes, you can reconcile after an affair, but often the damage is irrevocable.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<b>4. A secure bond with
all its mental and physical health benefits requires focused attention and
timely emotional responsiveness.<o:p></o:p></b></div>
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This is hard to pull off if you are investing in more than
relationship at a time. Amy tells her husband Jacques, “I want to come first.
You don’t even have time and energy for me, let alone a mistress. You ask me to
accept this and adapt, but we spend all our time setting rules and fighting
over who gets your attention and when. I can’t count on you to be there for me.
You have to leave.”<o:p></o:p></div>
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<b>5. Most arguments
against monogamy stress the “sex with the same person becomes a bore” mantra.</b></div>
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One study out of my research center shows that when couples
become more open and emotionally connected, their sex life improves.
Recreational sex — sex without emotional engagement — is way overrated. It's like
a dance without music. Flat. One dimensional.<o:p></o:p></div>
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The partners who report being the most open to one night
stands and short term sexual relationships are usually into avoidant bonding
strategies. They tend to be phobic about depending on or being vulnerable to
others. In bed they focus on performance and “hot” sensation.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Ironically, studies report that these same people enjoy sex
less and have less frequent sex than more involved bonded partners. The
evidence is, securely attached, fully engaged lovers, are happier and more
caring.<o:p></o:p></div>
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They also have better sex lives; they are more open to
exploring their sexual needs, they communicate better in bed, and can
co-operate and solve sexual problems together. They dance in a more attuned and
responsive way, in bed and out of it.<o:p></o:p></div>
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The idea that passion has a "Best-before" date and
is incompatible with long term love was trendy before the new science of love
came on line. Now it’s out of date. The take home message is: be monogamous and
shape a joyful, secure bond with your partner. Don’t worry, you’re not missing
a thing. If you learn to make sense of love, you can fall in love again and
again with the same precious lover. You can have lasting, caring, intimate
connection AND the time of your life in bed. This is delight, not deprivation.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Holistic Counselhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07567539006834731104noreply@blogger.com0