“I think there must be something wrong with me, Linus.
Christmas is coming but I’m not happy. I don’t feel the way I’m supposed to
feel.” – Charlie Brown in A Charlie Brown Christmas
Charlie Brown immortalized the uncanny dissonance of the
holiday blues in this classic Christmas tale. I first heard about the holiday
blues when I was working at a psychiatric hospital in Cambridge and my
colleague said to me in September: “These beds will all be full by the beginning
of December”. I thought it was strange that at a time centered around
happiness, fellowship, harmony and family, people find themselves lonely, sad,
depressed — even suicidal. Clearly, the holidays are laden with expectations –
expectations that have been built upon a foundation of years of nostalgia or,
alternately, disappointment.
While some of us look forward to the holidays, others dread
the impending stress that comes from overdrinking, overeating and over
consuming. Many of us remember those who are no longer with us — family members
who have passed, marriages that ended, and relationships that have been
severed. Holidays propel us back into old family conflicts which faithfully
resurface each year, which can deepen our sadness and unease.
Here are some ways you can lighten your expectations and
ease the holiday blues. They are a holiday offering for you. Pick and choose as
you like, rather than another dreaded list of to-do’s that you must get done by
the year’s end.
Reassess your priorities
As the year closes, we feel pulled by an array of demands:
attending office parties, cooking elaborate meals, traveling and spending
beyond our means. What would actually bring you the most pleasure this holiday?
Make a list of your holiday “shoulds”. Get inspired by Ellen Burstyn’s “should-less”
days. See if you can cross off at least two or three items from your list.
Then, make a new list – of things that will bring you
meaning and pleasure. How can these two lists be combined? For instance, if you
want to reconnect with old friends but you are planning to cook a complicated
meal to impress them, what if everyone brought a dish, instead? Collaborate
with family and friends by letting them know how you feel about the holidays –
you may be surprised to find they feel the same way – and together, find
creative ways to ease holiday anxiety.
Give to those who need it most
The old adage is true: there is nothing that makes you feel
less alone and less unworthy than to help others. For years, when my children
were young, we would volunteer in a soup kitchen on Christmas day. The holidays
offer so many opportunities to give to the community. And you will find that
your act of altruism has the benefit of making you feel better, while also
creating a sense of meaning that cuts through the superficialities of the
holiday season. Here’s a list of
possibilities for helping others in Toronto, or to find opportunities in your
area, a quick internet search should lead you in the right direction.
Surround yourself with your family of choice
Many of us do not spend the holidays with those that we love
the most. What I seek in the holidays is gathering, conviviality and warmth – a
beating back against the cold through the fellowship of others. Create a place
where you can be with those who accept you, free from judgment and awkward
political conversations. If you feel isolated, far from your family, have a
gathering of “the exiled and orphans.” This kind of fellowship brings great
solace during the holidays.
Find some time for spiritual introspection
When I lived in Jerusalem, despite being Jewish, every year
I would pick a different church to attend midnight mass. Regardless of your
religion, being in a room where songs are sung, candles are lit and humans
gather together can be uplifting, helping you to shift your focus from doing to
simply being.
