According to Dr. Sue Johnson, author of:"Hold me Tight " and" Love Sense": Monogamy is getting a bad rap these days. We're told that we should all grow up and accept that it's impossible and that we're just naturally promiscuous. Monogamy is more and more portrayed as a state of deprivation, where deadening familiarity robs us of magic and thrills in the bedroom and beyond, and cheating is viewed as inevitable.
But most of us (about 75% of us, according to several
different studies) do not cheat on our partners. And, even though, until
recently, we had no map or any kind of scientific understanding of love to
guide us, more than half of us manage to stay together for a lifetime.
Rigorous survey data from the University of Chicago also
shows that long-term committed couples are the happiest, most satisfied, have
more sex and report that their sex lives are more thrilling. Here are five
reasons, why monogamy — especially now that bonding science shows us how to
shape and hold onto love — is no dysfunctional delusion. It is simply the best
way to be.
1. It's in our nature
to hold onto and protect the bond with a chosen mate.
We are mammals who must collaborate closely over time to
rear extremely vulnerable young. A clear preference to mate, stay close to,
groom, care for and protect one partner is the norm in such mammals. This does
not mean that recreational sex never occurs; it means that it's an occasional
side show, a deviation from an adaptive norm, not a better option.
2. Love is an ancient
survival code designed to keep a trusted loved one close.
We now know that this need for safe haven connection with an
irreplaceable other is our most compelling drive, one that has shaped our
chemistry and our nervous system. Sex in mammals is a bonding behavior. We mate
face to face, touch and caress, and we are flooded with the bonding hormone,
oxytocin, when we “make love.”
Oxytocin turns off fear, turns on reward hormones and moves
us into calm contentment. No wonder we long for love. When usually monogamous mammals
like prairie voles are given drugs to block oxytocin, they are more likely to
stray; when given extra oxytocin they practically groom their mate into the
ground.
3. The cost of
infidelity is high.
Partners are generally unable and unwilling to share the one
they love. Sam, like most partners tells me, “I don’t even know why I did it.
It wasn’t like I was consumed with lust for my secretary or was hankering after
a different partner. I had lost my connection with my wife, Kim. Nothing seemed
to work between us. I was depressed and lonely. Taking my secretary out for
coffee was comforting and it felt good that she liked me. I told myself that
Kim wouldn’t find out and that it wouldn’t really change anything. The whole
thing just seemed very separate from my family.”
Sam denied and compartmentalized, but he was wrong about
Kim’s response. She felt traumatized and betrayed. Since we have such a deep
need for a secure bond with a lover we can count on, it is natural and
inevitable that Kim experiences Sam’s affair as a significant threat. She asked
Sam to move out. With help, this couple were able to move into forgiveness. So
yes, you can reconcile after an affair, but often the damage is irrevocable.
4. A secure bond with
all its mental and physical health benefits requires focused attention and
timely emotional responsiveness.
This is hard to pull off if you are investing in more than
relationship at a time. Amy tells her husband Jacques, “I want to come first.
You don’t even have time and energy for me, let alone a mistress. You ask me to
accept this and adapt, but we spend all our time setting rules and fighting
over who gets your attention and when. I can’t count on you to be there for me.
You have to leave.”
One study out of my research center shows that when couples
become more open and emotionally connected, their sex life improves.
Recreational sex — sex without emotional engagement — is way overrated. It's like
a dance without music. Flat. One dimensional.
The partners who report being the most open to one night
stands and short term sexual relationships are usually into avoidant bonding
strategies. They tend to be phobic about depending on or being vulnerable to
others. In bed they focus on performance and “hot” sensation.
Ironically, studies report that these same people enjoy sex
less and have less frequent sex than more involved bonded partners. The
evidence is, securely attached, fully engaged lovers, are happier and more
caring.
They also have better sex lives; they are more open to
exploring their sexual needs, they communicate better in bed, and can
co-operate and solve sexual problems together. They dance in a more attuned and
responsive way, in bed and out of it.
The idea that passion has a "Best-before" date and
is incompatible with long term love was trendy before the new science of love
came on line. Now it’s out of date. The take home message is: be monogamous and
shape a joyful, secure bond with your partner. Don’t worry, you’re not missing
a thing. If you learn to make sense of love, you can fall in love again and
again with the same precious lover. You can have lasting, caring, intimate
connection AND the time of your life in bed. This is delight, not deprivation.