How can I stay motivated to deepen sexuality and intimacy

This blog was written by Ester Perel, author of Mating in Captivity.

How can I stay motivated to deepen sexuality and intimacy between us, if my partner isn’t onboard with me? -- Gabriella, 44

Often in a relationship, there is one person who drives the closeness, intimacy, and connection (the pursuer). And another partner who tends to sustain distance, aim for space, and emphasize autonomy (the distancer).

This is typical in any relationship. The fact that one person wants more closeness than the other is not unusual. Gabriella feels like she’s the only one in the partnership who cares about their intimate connection, and her partner does not value it. If she feels alone, this can lead to a ladder of escalating negative emotions: Rejection > Ashamed for wanting connection > Questioning self worth > Feel unloved, etc.

If there is a solid foundation in the relationship, this type of conversation is one I recommend for many of my pursuer partner clients: “I totally understand that you’re on a different page than me right now. We don’t feel the same way. But I do need to know that you care about me, that you have empathy for what I’m going through, and that I’m not being dismissed. I don’t need you to want what I want, but I do need that you care about what I want, and you value that I what it.”

If you want more intimacy with your partner, but you seem to be on different pages, these questions may help generate a conversation like the one above:

What is going on for you right now? What is holding you back?
What can we do to change this together?
Is there anything you need from me so we can proceed in a direction that gives both of us what we are looking for?
What is going on for you sexually?

You want to try to understand if the reasons have to do with the relationship, with you, or if they are really the struggles of your partner, which he or she needs to take responsibility for him or herself.


Ganga Daryanani, RSW

Ganga@holisticcounsel.com

416 769 6810

www.Holisticcounsel.com

www.TorontoCounselling.blogspot.com

If you think this blog may be of interest to someone, please feel free to forward.

We bicker all the time… What should I do?

By Ester Perel who is a sex and relationship therapist, best-selling author of Mating in Captivity and a consultant for the hit Showtime  series The Affair

“We bicker all the time, she’s so critical of me and I don’t feel like I am doing anything right. What should I do?” – Anthony, Boston

Anthony’s question is powerful because it is so common.

I think of bickering as low intensity chronic warfare. Ongoing criticism can lead to the demise of the relationship. And if we criticize as a way of asking to be loved, well then we will often produce precisely the opposite effect of what we seek: to be loved and to feel good about ourselves. If we spend much of our time feeling lousy, unloved, devalued, inadequate and inept, we are on the wrong side of the tracks. So what can we do to reset this negative pattern?

Pay Attention to What’s Working

When our relationship is in distress, we tend to overlook the good and overemphasize the bad.

To counter this, try keeping a daily list of everything that your partner does that is positive, everything that you appreciate, everything that you can be thankful for. Do this for ten days in a row.

Each note can be as simple as: “Made me a cup of tea” or “Locked door on way out”. Instead of elevating the annoying, elevate the minute details of your partner’s generosity and thoughtfulness.

Focus on what is working. Pay attention.

The ratio of appreciation is crucial to a good relationship. Take the log one step further and make a big deal every time the other person does something positive.

This will kick you out of a defeating cycle of negativity. And will motivate your partner towards acts of kindness.

Let Yourself Be Vulnerable

What’s important to understand about criticism is that it sits on top of a mountain of disappointments of unmet needs and unfulfilled longings.

Every criticism often holds a veiled wish. When your partner says to you, “You’re never around”, what they may actually mean is “I’m lonely, I miss you when you’re not here.”

When Anthony’s partner tells him he never brings her along when he goes hiking, what she is also trying to tell him is “I wish we would go hiking together”.

I recommend that Anthony and his partner both say what they want and not what the other did not do.  

Often I suggest this to couples and they complain, “But I already did exactly that and I got nothing”. Try again.

It is tempting to launch into anger instead of experiencing the vulnerability of putting yourself out there, asking for something and waiting for the possibility that you won’t get it.

For many, anger is easier to express than hurt. Anger can feel like a confidence booster and an analgesic. Yet the more we communicate through anger, the more anger we get in return, creating a negative cycle of escalations.

Reflect & Take Responsibility

If you have ever done any breathing exercises, or yoga classes, you may have noticed that there is a space at the end of each inhale and exhale. A moment to pause. Similarly, economists and psychologists often encourage this moment of pause before making a large purchase.

Instead of shifting into instantaneous blame, take a moment to shift from reaction to reflection.

Why am I angry?  What do I want?  Instead of going for the jugular, take responsibility for what you feel and state it.

When couples come to therapy and they are in escalating cycles – things change when each person begins to take responsibility. This is true for both Anthony and his partner.

Remember, seek professional help at the early signs of relationship difficulties.  Waiting too long is never worth it, because you get stuck in negative patterns of interaction that become increasingly automatic, rigidly entrenched and more and more difficult to change.

Monogamy?

According to Dr. Sue Johnson, author of:"Hold me Tight " and" Love Sense": Monogamy is getting a bad rap these days. We're told that we should all grow up and accept that it's impossible and that we're just naturally promiscuous. Monogamy is more and more portrayed as a state of deprivation, where deadening familiarity robs us of magic and thrills in the bedroom and beyond, and cheating is viewed as inevitable.

But most of us (about 75% of us, according to several different studies) do not cheat on our partners. And, even though, until recently, we had no map or any kind of scientific understanding of love to guide us, more than half of us manage to stay together for a lifetime.

Rigorous survey data from the University of Chicago also shows that long-term committed couples are the happiest, most satisfied, have more sex and report that their sex lives are more thrilling. Here are five reasons, why monogamy — especially now that bonding science shows us how to shape and hold onto love — is no dysfunctional delusion. It is simply the best way to be.

1. It's in our nature to hold onto and protect the bond with a chosen mate.

We are mammals who must collaborate closely over time to rear extremely vulnerable young. A clear preference to mate, stay close to, groom, care for and protect one partner is the norm in such mammals. This does not mean that recreational sex never occurs; it means that it's an occasional side show, a deviation from an adaptive norm, not a better option.

2. Love is an ancient survival code designed to keep a trusted loved one close.

We now know that this need for safe haven connection with an irreplaceable other is our most compelling drive, one that has shaped our chemistry and our nervous system. Sex in mammals is a bonding behavior. We mate face to face, touch and caress, and we are flooded with the bonding hormone, oxytocin, when we “make love.”

Oxytocin turns off fear, turns on reward hormones and moves us into calm contentment. No wonder we long for love. When usually monogamous mammals like prairie voles are given drugs to block oxytocin, they are more likely to stray; when given extra oxytocin they practically groom their mate into the ground.

3. The cost of infidelity is high.

Partners are generally unable and unwilling to share the one they love. Sam, like most partners tells me, “I don’t even know why I did it. It wasn’t like I was consumed with lust for my secretary or was hankering after a different partner. I had lost my connection with my wife, Kim. Nothing seemed to work between us. I was depressed and lonely. Taking my secretary out for coffee was comforting and it felt good that she liked me. I told myself that Kim wouldn’t find out and that it wouldn’t really change anything. The whole thing just seemed very separate from my family.”

Sam denied and compartmentalized, but he was wrong about Kim’s response. She felt traumatized and betrayed. Since we have such a deep need for a secure bond with a lover we can count on, it is natural and inevitable that Kim experiences Sam’s affair as a significant threat. She asked Sam to move out. With help, this couple were able to move into forgiveness. So yes, you can reconcile after an affair, but often the damage is irrevocable.

4. A secure bond with all its mental and physical health benefits requires focused attention and timely emotional responsiveness.

This is hard to pull off if you are investing in more than relationship at a time. Amy tells her husband Jacques, “I want to come first. You don’t even have time and energy for me, let alone a mistress. You ask me to accept this and adapt, but we spend all our time setting rules and fighting over who gets your attention and when. I can’t count on you to be there for me. You have to leave.”

5. Most arguments against monogamy stress the “sex with the same person becomes a bore” mantra.

One study out of my research center shows that when couples become more open and emotionally connected, their sex life improves. Recreational sex — sex without emotional engagement — is way overrated. It's like a dance without music. Flat. One dimensional.

The partners who report being the most open to one night stands and short term sexual relationships are usually into avoidant bonding strategies. They tend to be phobic about depending on or being vulnerable to others. In bed they focus on performance and “hot” sensation.

Ironically, studies report that these same people enjoy sex less and have less frequent sex than more involved bonded partners. The evidence is, securely attached, fully engaged lovers, are happier and more caring.

They also have better sex lives; they are more open to exploring their sexual needs, they communicate better in bed, and can co-operate and solve sexual problems together. They dance in a more attuned and responsive way, in bed and out of it.

The idea that passion has a "Best-before" date and is incompatible with long term love was trendy before the new science of love came on line. Now it’s out of date. The take home message is: be monogamous and shape a joyful, secure bond with your partner. Don’t worry, you’re not missing a thing. If you learn to make sense of love, you can fall in love again and again with the same precious lover. You can have lasting, caring, intimate connection AND the time of your life in bed. This is delight, not deprivation.

Why Men Stay Away from Therapy — and Why It’s Actually a Perfect Match

By Margarita Tartakovsky, M.S.

A man went to see psychologist Ryan Howes solely because his wife wanted him to. She wanted him to work on his communication and become more comfortable with intimacy. He wanted to be anywhere but there.

Many men feel this way about therapy.* And many men avoid it — even when they’re struggling and need it most. They often see attending therapy as a “sign of weakness or inadequacy,” said Jean Fitzpatrick, LP, a psychotherapist who has extensive experience working with both men and women and whose practice focuses on relationship and career issues. In particular, men over 50 tend to have a harder time being vulnerable and putting their feelings into words, she said.

Our society largely promotes a very rigid and narrow view of masculinity — real men are supposed to be tough, dominant, independent and strong. They shouldn’t need anyone. Ever.

Men still hear the echo of other old messages, such as: Suck it up, big boys don’t cry, fix it yourself and don’t think about it, said Howes, Ph.D, who’s spent 20 years helping men with their work, relationship and emotional problems, along with researching and writing on men’s issues. So it’s not surprising that many men hold negative views about therapy and start to develop negative views about themselves if they need help.

“There’s a fear they’ll be ridiculed or lose face if they admit they have a problem they can’t fix on their own,” Howes said. Many also find feeling emotions, such as anger or sadness, to be uncomfortable or even unbearable, he said. Going to therapy to connect to these emotions seems like a punishment or simply ridiculous.

(Howes has seen many men end up enjoying the process like “it’s an internal treasure hunt.” After they feel an emotion, they get curious and wonder what the feeling is, what they should call it and where it came from, he said.)

Therapy also may be downright foreign to many men because they don’t really have deep conversations with their friends. Many haven’t even had one. “They may be surrounded by buddies who can talk all day about a number of topics. But they’ve never told another guy about painful memories, deep fears or hidden dreams.”

When men do come to therapy, they prefer to tackle tangible, specific goals, Fitzpatrick said. For instance, they might want to figure out how to navigate a toxic work situation or fix their marriage after an infidelity, she said.

Howes and his client (from above) ended up working on something he actually wanted to work on. “After some poking around, we settled on helping him find a new direction for his career and he started to come alive. By becoming unstuck in therapy and his career, he also loosened up in his marriage and felt more comfortable really connecting with [his wife].”

Howes’s male clients tend to focus more on issues pertaining to work and seeking purpose in their lives. (Women, he said, “tend to focus more on the issues that impact relationships.”) For instance, a client might say, “I want to make VP at my job this year, but I think I’m depressed. Help me fix the depression, so I can get the promotion.”

As Fitzpatrick also noted, “Work isn’t something ‘off to the side’ for men, any more than it is for women. It is an essential part of their sense of self…”

She encouraged readers to be clear with therapists about the help you seek. If you don’t understand or agree with something the therapist says, let them know, she said. It’s important for your therapist to meet you where you are and not to insist that a feeling be expressed in a certain way, Fitzpatrick said. For instance, a therapist asks a man how he’s feeling and he responds that he wants to save his marriage. The therapist shouldn’t decide he’s too goal-oriented or “needs to learn to express feelings more openly.”

Men and therapy are actually a perfect match, Howes said. Many men love to solve problems and fix things —everything from broken dresser drawers to fantasy football teams to computer glitches, he said. “[T]herapy is a laboratory, sort of a garage workshop where we tinker and problem solve every week.” Therapy is a place to collaborate and work with intangible puzzles, he said.

Therapy gives you the opportunity to better understand yourself, Fitzpatrick said. It’s an opportunity to “feel stronger, more authentic and more comfortable with [yourself].” All positive, powerful things that men — and everyone — can benefit from.

* It’s important to note that men are diverse. As Howes said, there are many men who do “love therapy, feel no shame about coming and can’t wait to get in and talk about feelings.” In this piece we’re focusing on a segment of men who have a harder time with therapy. 

The 3 Keys to Creating Intimacy

Do you long for love, acceptance and connection, but don’t know how to create it? Intimacy can get lost when we forcefully to pull it toward us.

In creating intimacy, communication is paramount, but any related issues can often be misinterpreted. Often times, the communication issues have more to do with a self-awareness problem. They are in touch with their anger, blame and perceptions of their partner, but not connected to the tender feelings and longing beneath the criticisms and accusations. They are not skilled at communicating their authentic experience in a sensitive and respectful way.

There are three keys to creating intimacy in any relationship:

1. Authenticity

When we are authentic, love and intimacy have a much greater opportunity to grow. The evasion of our feelings through emotional defense mechanisms drives people away.  Authenticity requires us to tend to our feelings and experiences, allowing us to open up and be vulnerable to our partner. Being authentic means to take the elevator down inside ourselves in order to notice whatever we are currently experiencing.

2. Focusing

Anger, blame and analyzing others often mask the sadness, fear, shame and longing to connect in a deeper way. Founded by Dr. EugeneGendlin, Focusing is a method of getting in touch with your felt inner experiences. Rather than speaking from the rational mind, individuals delve into their deeper emotions, getting in touch with their genuine feelings.

3. Application
Emotional transparency is conducive to intimacy. Taking the time to uncover your authentic feelings and conveying those feelings verbally to your partner helps couples to develop deeper connections.

Finding the courage to contact and convey this deeper experience with the help of a couples therapist is the key to resolving conflicts and creating the climate for richer, more vibrant intimacy.

MARRIED TO DISTRACTION

by: Edward M. Hallowell, M.D., Sue George Hallowell, LICSW, with Melissa Orlov

In our fretful, speed-up world, we can’t turn back the clock to the days of Royal typewriters,un-answered telephone calls (no voice-mail), or time spent alone without “electronic devices.”  But we do need to learn how to manage the chaos and opportunities that surround us.

Without knowing it or meaning to, we are training ourselves to be constantly on the alert for interruptions, to seek out messages incessantly, to process data rather than discover, think or feel and in general to lose the capacity to ponder, pause, imagine, or give full focus to anyone or anything for more than a few moments.

Indeed, impatience and worry may be our national mood.  Who can wait?  Waiting is so yesterday.  Today is hurry and rush.  There is so much to do, so much to worry about.  We have reprogrammed our nervous system; now we demand speed. Milan Kundera: “Speed is the form of ecstasy that technology has bestowed on modern man.”  Speed makes focusing difficult.  If you are not careful, you end up paying partial attention to everyone and everything.

When this new physics enters a marriage, you may start to feel lonely and resentful.  You might wonder where the man or woman you married has disappeared to.  You might also wonder where your own life went.

Speed, overload and anxiety have created an elephant in the room. This elephant is the force of distraction.  It can dominate all our lives.  How many times have you said to your mate or heard him or her say to you words similar to these:

“You say you don’t have time to talk now; but do you ever have the time to talk?

“I am sorry, I am completely spaced out on that; what were you saying?”

“We are busy all the time; but are we happy?”

“I am trying to be patient, but I really need some kind of emotional closeness or I am going to lose something important that I don’t want to lose.”

“I love you, I really do, but I hardly see you.”

“Sex, what’s that?”

“You laugh at people going to see a marriage counsellor, but I think they are brave.  We may benefit from seeing a therapist, but where would we find the time?”

 A new pressure has built up in couples. It’s the pressure to make time for each other. The more attention shatters, the more relationships suffer. Couples can start to feel distant and annoyed without understanding why, then they do what we all do: we blame one another.  But the root cause is the new world of distraction that’s grown up around us.
Modern life has turned people ruder than ever, with less sympathy, more self-centeredness, less emotionally available, and less able to relax and in general more difficult to connect with comfortably.

The impact on couples can be catastrophic, but it does not need to be. If you want to preserve love, you must:

-Insist on time with the person you love and make extended time for each other.

- Learn to say no to temptations.

-Have a clear vision of the life you want, what matters to you the most and make time for  that, with iron-fisted determination.

 

Loneliness leads to increased levels of the stress hormone cortisol, altered expression in immune cells, poorer immune function, higher blood pressure and an increased level of depression.

It depresses your immune system, just like depression. Long periods of isolation can lead to feelings of helplessness, just like depression.  It makes us wonder how many people are taking antidepressants when maybe all they need is a “secure attachment and a hug.”

John T, Cacioppo, is a Distinguished Professor at the University of Chicago, who is one of the founders of the new, interdisciplinary field of neuroscience which has used brain scans to examine the ways in which social isolation impacts our bodies and behaviour.  Together with science writer William Patrick, he presents a fascinating assessment of loneliness and the need of social connection.

The authors lay out the roots of loneliness in 3 sections:

1. The person’s individual genetically based level of vulnerability to social disconnection
2. The person’s ability to regulate the emotions connected with feeling isolated.
3. The person’s expectation of others.

These factors combine to influence stress levels, immune response, and negative cycles of self-defeating behaviour. The authors claim that loneliness can be dealt with by understanding our fears and reframing how we think about social situations.

As a psychotherapist, I help my clients deal with the underlying emotional issues that cause loneliness.

Today we see people reaching out to others through: Social media networking: Facebook, Twitter, Meet-up groups, etc…

The studies report that a sense of isolation or rejection disrupts not only our abilities, will power and perseverance, but also key cellular processes deep within the human body.

Cacioppo and Patrick also demonstrate how loneliness creates a loop that reinforces social anxiety, fear and other negative feelings.  According to the authors help can be given by rediscovering those positive, physiological sensations that come during the simplest moments of human contact.  But that means overcoming the fear and reaching out.

Lonely people feel a hunger.  The solution lies not in being fed, but in cooking for and enjoying a meal with others.

What matters is not the number of social interactions, but the degree to which these social interactions satisfy a person’s need for connection.

Just like losing weight is a matter of eating less and exercising , rather than cutting out carbohydrates and taking over the counter drugs, the same way you cannot come out of your shell by losing weight, getting a fashion makeover, or go on E-Harmony to meet Mr. or Ms. Right.

You are going to have to be nice to people, volunteer at a place of your liking, and stop the destructive thought patterns. 

Aging Gracefully - With Wisdom and Ease

In our society, aging is an ugly word, synonymous with: inferior, done with, not useful, ugly, etc....As life expectancy is growing, we need to ask ourselves: how can we put it to profitable use as individuals and as society?

Successful aging can be manifested as:

·         low or disease free living

·         great mental clarity

·         active engagement with life

In the East Indian culture, when your hair turns white and you become grandparents, this is the time to detach yourself from the world and go into the "forest", isolation, concentrating on spiritual matters.  By abandoning all attachments, one is now free to focus on union with your higher self (Spiritual aging).  When we are young, we are so obsessed with making money; there is no time for deeper thoughts or contemplation.

However, the kids grow and up move away, colleagues disappear, loved ones pass away.  We get surpassed by the younger generation and our sense of power and ego takes a hit.

In the West, we fight to overcome these losses, while in the East we embrace these changes.

Ask yourself: Who am I? If not Mom, or the /Vice-President, who is this wrinkled face in the mirror? Is there a true self that transcends this? According to the spiritual model, we need to confront such questions.

The elder Hindu sets off on a contemplative quest for introspection. The Native American remains within the bosom of the tribe, serving as a spiritual guide. Such a person, detached yet compassionate, is a blessing to the community. Despite such differences, these cultures share a vision of aging spiritually. 

The West, with all of its violence, alienation and injustice, desperately needs such a model of elders.  We are afraid of the older generation as a drain on our resources.  However, these white heads could be very valuable to a world where everything has gone hay-wire.

Growing older does not mean that we automatically become wise. This demands a process of spiritual growth. There will always be people telling us how to fight off old age, but amongst the losses of old age there are precious lessons and graces.  To find these is to age gracefully.

Constructive Criticism

Would you mind if I gave you some feedback? What that really means is: do you mind receiving negative feedback that is disguised as constructive criticism?

The problem with criticism is that it challenges our sense of value. It implies judgment and we all recoil from that. Daniel Goleman, internationally recognized psychologist believes, "threats to our esteem in the eyes of others can be so potent that they can literally feel like threats to our survival".

Still, feedback is a necessary process that we can all learn and grow from. So then, how does one go about delivering feedback that has the greatest value? How can you give criticism that is beneficial and absorbed upon by the recipient?

First, what we say is often less important than how we say it. Do not give feedback when you feel that your own value is at risk. We are more likely to be reactive, insensitive and hurtful.

2. In the process of criticism, be considerate of the other person’s value. Even the most well intended criticism will make us feel our value is at risk and under attack. When that happens, the primal impulse is to defend ourselves. The more the person you are criticizing feels compelled to defend their value, the less open they are to absorb what you're saying.

3. Don’t assume you are right. Our stories are not necessarily true, they are simply an interpretation. It makes more sense to offer feedback in a spirit of humble exploration rather than declaration; dialogue rather than monologue and curiosity rather than certainty. Humility is acknowledging that we don’t know, even when we think we know. Steven Covey, author of 7 Habits of Highly Effective People says: seek first to understand.

We are better off to eliminate words such as feedback and constructive criticism. Instead, we should approach criticism as opportunities for honest inquiry and genuine learning.

Try this out next time you need to give someone feedback: you may say, "here is the story I am telling myself….have I got it right or am I missing something?” This will help you to understand each other better and create open communication.

Family Therapy

Journey of transformation

Have you noticed how most of our “buttons” seem to get pushed by our family members? As challenging as the dynamics of the family can be, they can also help propel us to work on ourselves and to move forward, to evolve emotionally and spiritually.

And so sometimes when a client comes in, it becomes evident that in order for the client to move
forward, the entire family needs to be involved in the therapy process, especially in the case of a young person, like a teenager.

Seeing how the family interacts with each other, can give the therapist a clearer view of why the
client has difficulties in overcoming his/her problems. This process will help the client to not only gain new insights into her/himself, but to also learn how to communicate more harmoniously within the family. And by helping family members communicate with each other in a positive way, issues from both the past and present can be resolved in a peaceful way.

We are interconnected with our family members, genetically and karmically, but within that, each one of us is also playing out our own individual part. We are beings who need to follow our own path within the bond of the family. Family karma versus individual karma. This can create quite the balancing act, especially if the family’s path is very different from our own.

But if we are lucky, we can bring other family members on board the journey of transformation.

Telephone Counselling

After a full day of work it can be hard to come in for therapy or accomodate it in your schedule. To make it easier, I do offer a telephone therapy service.

You can make arrangements and pay by interac email transfer or by check in advance, This is not just for people here in Toronto, you can do this from anywhere in the world!

For more information, head over to the Telephone Therapy section of my website.

Am I Depressed? Top 13 Symptoms of Depression

I often write about treatments of depression, anxiety, etc....but how do you even know it when you or your loved ones are depressed?

What follows are the somewhat ominously numbered thirteen top symptoms of depression, If you or a loved one is experiencing one or more of the below symptoms, then you may consider getting some help.

1. Loss of Appetite: Going the whole day without eating for a few days in a row or more than one day in a week.
2. Overeating: Eating unhealthy food whenever you are feeling anxious, upset, angry or after something bad happens.
3. Sleep Problems: Sleeping too much or too little. If you are sleeping more than 12 hour or less than 2 hours per day. You can alternate between these symptoms.
4. Lack of Energy: Running out of energy very early in the day. Feeling lethargic.
5. Low Self Esteem: Feeling that you are not worthwhile; believing that you are inferior physically or intellectually.
6. Loss of Motivation: Uncaring. Not motivated to take a shower or make a meal or care for your family.
7. Poor Concentration. Focusing on the present is difficult as anxious thoughts are invading your mind.
8. Feeling Hopeless: Writing off all possibilities and opportunities as doomed from the start.
9. Lack of Sex Drive: Disinterested in all intimate contact, especially sex.
10. Social Isolation: Pushing others away or feeling uncomfortable around people. It may feel that you need others but that you have no one you can turn to.
11. Irrational/Emotional Outbursts: Finding yourself getting angry or upset often. If this is happening regularly, then some of it is irrational or misdirected.
12. Disregarding Responsibility: Abandoning anything that causes stress, including people, your job, social responsibilities, etc...
13. Substance Abuse: Repetitive or overuse of alcohol, marijuana, prescription drugs, etc. Particularly as a way to cope.

In the past there was a stigma attached to depression and therapy. Now it's very common to seek help before it becomes more serious.

Are We The Clothes We Wear?

People judge us by our outward appearance, but in the long run the way we conduct ourselves is much more important. Once you develop your mind and cultivate appealing inner virtues, clothes become less important.

Mahatma Ghandi proved that the clothes do not always “make the man”. He wore only a loincloth as a way to identify himself with the humble masses of India.

He once arrived dressed that way at a party thrown by an English governor. The servants turned him away at the door, so he went home and sent a package by courier to the Governor. What was in the package? A suit. When the Governor called and asked the meaning of the package, Ghandi replied: “I was invited to your party, but I was not allowed entrance because of my dress, therefore I have sent you my suit instead.” Even during his visit to London, Ghandi went to visit the Queen of England wearing only a loincloth.

Of course, I don't personally recommended that you dress this way. Ghandi had a mission to fulfill and this was part of his role (and his rhetoric).

Clothing in western society, for women especially, is geared towards sexuality. The media and fashion industry makes millions of dollars by convincing us that clothing not only is an outward expression of who you are and what creed you belong to, but also that you need the right clothing to get what you want in life. While this may even be true to some extent, there is definitely too much emphasis placed on our outward appearance.

Take for example, the argument in favour of the burka. While the popular Western sentiment may see this as a symbol of sexual oppression within certain cultures, many women from those cultures will express that wearing a burka frees them from the judgement and sexuality that the rest of the world attaches to clothing and physical beauty.

The point is: while your outward appearance is important, it is far from being the centre of the universe. To give the body too little or too much focus can leave you insecure and unbalanced. What is most important is your mind and behavior. That's what people respond to.

Watching Our Thoughts

Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803 – 1882), one of the greatest philosophers of his time, has said: “A man is what he thinks all day long." A man's life is what his thoughts are made of. It is unfortunate that we have not realized the importance of our thoughts.

Our minds are like monkeys: always restless, always wandering and never idle. To exercise control over our thoughts, we must first learn to observe them. Have you noticed that your thoughts never stay on one subject for long? The more your mind is disturbed, the more fickle it becomes. However, being aware of this is the first step in the right direction. You will soon observe that most of our thoughts are concentrated on:

Anxiety about the past or future
Blaming others for our present state, or
Justifying what we have done
How strange that our mind is never in the present! The present is all there is, so be in it!

Are You Feeling Lonely in Your Marriage?

Have you ever found yourself in a relationship where everything seems to be fine on the outside, but where you feel lost and lonely on the inside? You are together, you have children, friends and family and still the core connection with your mate is missing. You are just going through the motions. Somehow the one you’ve built your marital foundation with is not there for you on an emotional level. After years of discontent and miscommunication, you wonder if you’ll ever be able to re-capture the joy of attachment, bonding and closeness with your partner.

When couples first come in, they are often pretty distraught and fed up with the cycle of attack and withdrawal. It's a vicious cycle which they can't break out from. This cycle is natural and common. One partner becomes increasingly demanding and clingy, unintentionally pushing the person away. They wonder: Do I continue living this way or do I call it quits now?

There is a third option: To repair, refresh and renew your relationship now with your partner. When a therapist becomes involved, their role is to listen carefully and find out where the couple has gotten stuck. Resolving the emotional disconnection will help the couple much more than quick fixes for the problem of the week.

If you are in a troubled relationship, and feel it is time to involve a counsellor, it is time to discuss it with a professional therapist.

Telling Your Truth: Do What Feels Right and True

I started my previous blog, quoting Dada Vaswani’s 9 principles of success. Today, we will expand on the first principle: "Nothing in life brings about failure more surely than lack of integrity.”

What is integrity? Integrity (utter sincerity, honesty and candor) is telling the truth the way you perceive it, living with a clear conscience, knowing that whatever you say and do is according to your inner truth.

Have you noticed how you feel when you have said or done things that were not true and honest? For example:
Did your heart rate go up?
Did you have butterflies in your stomach?
Did your thoughts keep turning over and over the same incidence?
Did you have shallow breathing and a dry mouth?
If so, what impact do you think this may have on your physical and emotional health? Perhaps a detrimental effect? If so, then for health reasons alone, it would be a good idea to stick to the truth. The other reason could be: what if I were “found out?”…how would that make you feel ... ashamed perhaps? The feeling of shame can bring about feelings of guilt and low self esteem which may make you feel worse about yourself and bring you into a downward spiral.

In the end it seems that only negative consequences can be the result of lack of integrity. So we may want to ask ourselves: “is it really worth it?”

The way I approach a client with this issue is by exploring what is blocking them from telling and perhaps perceiving the truth. Once we know what the blocks are, we will proceed to explore the discomfort of avoiding the truth. From there we will continue to explore what the best way would be for the client to tell the truth at their own speed and comfort level.

Another time we will approach the topic of: When you give to the world the best you have, the best will come back to you.