Stop Obsessing: My Five Suggestions

Have you ever found yourself going over and over the same issue in your mind? It can feel like a train going downhill with no brakes on. You can’t seem to gain control of yourself.

1. Focus on the lesson learned. Every situation we go through has the potential to teach us something. Think about what you are obsessing about and see how to use it to improve yourself. For example, if you are ruminating about a mistake you made at work, think about steps you can take to make sure the same mistake doesn’t happen again. By looking at how you can improve, you begin to focus on the positive aspect of the situation rather than the negative.

2. Use a journal. Writing down your thoughts, especially about events that have not yet happened, can help you gain control over your ruminations.

3. Write down pleasant thoughts. Sometimes your thoughts need specific direction. You may list things like an upcoming vacation, going out to dinner with your partner. Make sure your list includes situations you are looking forward to or pleasant memories.

4. Behavioral techniques. For some people, snapping a rubber band on your wrist every time you have an obsessive thought may help.

5. Talk about your worries with a trusted friend or relative. Often, when we talk it out, we can begin to see it from a different perspective. This can help you find options for solving your problem.

However, if your obsessive thoughts are interfering with your daily life, it may be time to talk with a professional therapist.

Constructive Criticism

Would you mind if I gave you some feedback? What that really means is: do you mind receiving negative feedback that is disguised as constructive criticism?

The problem with criticism is that it challenges our sense of value. It implies judgment and we all recoil from that. Daniel Goleman, internationally recognized psychologist believes, "threats to our esteem in the eyes of others can be so potent that they can literally feel like threats to our survival".

Still, feedback is a necessary process that we can all learn and grow from. So then, how does one go about delivering feedback that has the greatest value? How can you give criticism that is beneficial and absorbed upon by the recipient?

First, what we say is often less important than how we say it. Do not give feedback when you feel that your own value is at risk. We are more likely to be reactive, insensitive and hurtful.

2. In the process of criticism, be considerate of the other person’s value. Even the most well intended criticism will make us feel our value is at risk and under attack. When that happens, the primal impulse is to defend ourselves. The more the person you are criticizing feels compelled to defend their value, the less open they are to absorb what you're saying.

3. Don’t assume you are right. Our stories are not necessarily true, they are simply an interpretation. It makes more sense to offer feedback in a spirit of humble exploration rather than declaration; dialogue rather than monologue and curiosity rather than certainty. Humility is acknowledging that we don’t know, even when we think we know. Steven Covey, author of 7 Habits of Highly Effective People says: seek first to understand.

We are better off to eliminate words such as feedback and constructive criticism. Instead, we should approach criticism as opportunities for honest inquiry and genuine learning.

Try this out next time you need to give someone feedback: you may say, "here is the story I am telling myself….have I got it right or am I missing something?” This will help you to understand each other better and create open communication.

Family Therapy

Journey of transformation

Have you noticed how most of our “buttons” seem to get pushed by our family members? As challenging as the dynamics of the family can be, they can also help propel us to work on ourselves and to move forward, to evolve emotionally and spiritually.

And so sometimes when a client comes in, it becomes evident that in order for the client to move
forward, the entire family needs to be involved in the therapy process, especially in the case of a young person, like a teenager.

Seeing how the family interacts with each other, can give the therapist a clearer view of why the
client has difficulties in overcoming his/her problems. This process will help the client to not only gain new insights into her/himself, but to also learn how to communicate more harmoniously within the family. And by helping family members communicate with each other in a positive way, issues from both the past and present can be resolved in a peaceful way.

We are interconnected with our family members, genetically and karmically, but within that, each one of us is also playing out our own individual part. We are beings who need to follow our own path within the bond of the family. Family karma versus individual karma. This can create quite the balancing act, especially if the family’s path is very different from our own.

But if we are lucky, we can bring other family members on board the journey of transformation.

Are You Body Conscious or Soul Conscious?

Body consciousness concentrates on materialism, arrogance, greed and violence. It compels you to lay blame and criticize others in order to create the illusion of being okay. Your life is random and undisciplined. You take uncalculated risks, lose your sense of self, live in a state of denial, and reject the voice of your conscience. You get bored with yourself and others. You cry out for love, but can’t recognize it. You get drawn into temptations and emptiness. When body consciousness takes over, you forget who you are and become as the other wants you to be. Your conscience has stopped functioning and you allow unhealthy relationships to occur. Your energy gets drained and your happiness has been robbed. This type of consciousness undermines you and sees no way out of dilemmas. It raises excuses: “I had to because….I could not because ….”, until you are paralyzed and unable to cope.

Soul consciousness means to come to terms with all aspects of your self. To become neutral in the face of good and bad, and focus on your original qualities of purity, peace, power and love. Soul consciousness means to become still and melt away the negativity that presses upon the mind. It makes your intuition sharp and accurate, has meaning and signals you forward. You don’t accept sorrow. Some one may say something hurtful and you immediately rise into your power of tolerance. The electric bolt passes right through you; it does not lodge into your heart.

If you desire to move from body to soul consciousness, you need a set of tools like inner power and attitudes. Ask yourself: what did I do to myself? What was done to me? Put it into perspective; see the origin, emergence and dissolution of all that is happening. Discern the pattern and adjust. Give yourself enough distance to judge accurately through self-examining what reveals the true nature of your motivations.

By changing from body to soul consciousness, you become calm, balanced, centered and beyond storms. Nothing can break your harmony; you are fully integrated in your perfect state of physical and emotional balance.

The Psychology Behind Meditation

One of the simplest definitions of meditation is 'the correct use of the mind'. The aim isn't to deny our thoughts, but to become aware of our mind, gain mastery over our mental activity and generate the highest quality thoughts. With practice, we will be able to slow down our minds and enter the inner space within our consciousness.

People learn to meditate for a variety of reasons. Some desire inner peace, others use it as a part of their quest for truth and understanding, and for some it is the hope of discovering the holy grail of happiness. Meditation is a spiritual, mental, and emotional healing process, with proven benefits to our physical well-being.

The main benefits of meditation are: improved levels of contentment, concentration, creativity and communication.

Surrounded by a highly charged, constantly changing world, we may find it difficult to maintain our attention span for any length of time. When we take the time to explore the real cause of stress, we would find distorted thinking leads to various emotions that we find stressful. Stress and tiredness is a modern disease. If we acknowledge that negative thoughts and stresses are not normal parts of a fulfilling life, than we can reap many rewards from the regular practice of meditation. It helps to balance our physical energies, which allows the body to function more effectively, while improving its ability its heal itself.

The physical benefits of meditation are: reduced blood pressure, increased vitality, better sleep patterns and greater pain control.

Meditation helps us gradually increase self-awareness and awaken who we really are. It is a journey through which we rediscover our natural resources of peace, power and love.

How Clean Are Your Windows?

A young woman saw her neighbor hanging the wash outside.

"That laundry isn't very clean," the young woman said to her husband, "She doesn’t know how to wash clothes, maybe she needs better laundry soap." Her husband looked on, but remained silent. Every time her neighbor would hang her wash to dry, the young woman would make the same comments.

A month later, the woman was surprised to see nice clean laundry on the line and said to her husband, "Look, she finally learned how to wash! I wonder who taught her".

The husband said, "I got up early this morning and cleaned our windows."

And so it is with life.

What we see when we look at others depends on the window through which we look.

This is an e-mail I got from a friend and it struck me how true that is for all of us. How clean are your windows? Most of carry carry some dirt from the past, which causes biases and judgement. How do we clean our windows? By getting rid of the past issues blurring your lenses.

Forgive all the people that you hold a grudge against, whether they were wrong or not.

Just repeat the following 4 sentences:

I am sorry

Please gorgive me

Thank you

I love you.

These 4 sentences are quoted by Ihaleakala Hew Len, Phd. You may find amazing results when you repeat these 4 sentences all day long. Try it out, I am interested in your results.

Are Your Buttons Being Pushed?

If you're like me, you avoid thinking about the past because you don't see any benefit in the present. Maybe you find it uncomfortable, or painful. Why stir up a lot of memories that you would prefer to forget? Especially when they involve parents, siblings, or old friends; the very same people you share every major holiday for the rest of your life with. But there are good reasons to look back.

As we learn how our brains process emotion and store emotional memory, it becomes clear that yesterday's feelings influence our ability to make positive lasting emotional connections today. If we want to have relationships that are more meaningful in the future, we must have some insight into our past. In fact, looking back thoughtfully may eventually help you to build better connections with those scary folks gathered around the dinner table.

Everyone has emotional baggage, some more than others. Just take a minute and think about your childhood, there must have been some incidents that upset you. Piled on top of each other, these cause that discomfort at family reunions and let certain relatives get under your skin. Through modern technology and numerous studies we now know that all of these painful memories, especially from early childhood trauma physiologically changes how our brain develops.

So as an adult these changes from childhood have a large bearing on our behaviour and we are not even aware of it. Examine your relationships today. Think about the good and the bad. It should not be a challenge to connect the dots between our pain as a child and our pain as an adult.

Generally speaking, strong emotional memories from our childhood become very attractive to us as adults. That does not mean you actively seek it, you are going to find these situations automatically and unconsciously. For example if your parents had clinical depression or were alcoholics /abusive, the chances are good that you will seek these people out or become one.

We repeat these situations over and over as an adult because on some level we want to correct and heal them. Unfortunately, the result is usually that you get re-traumatized. But this presents you with a golden opportunity to make a conscious effort and break the chain of abuse inherited from childhood.

What are the steps forward? It's time to recognize and change the negative situations we put ourselves in. That can be really difficult. Some people get involved in support programs or therapy. The point is you need to find a safe place to hash out those feelings, find their origin, heal and form new habits. Over long periods of time and extensive therapy, it is possible that the brain will physically change over time and truly heal the long term effects of trauma.

What is Focusing?

You probably think that it means to concentrate on something, like: I need to focus on a project, my future, etc.....However, Focusing in the psychotherapeutic sense means something different; it is a guided thought exercise which is designed to help you to transform an emotional block. It is not hypnosis, your eyes are closed but you remain fully aware at all times.

When dealing with our conscious minds, there are roadblocks we put up (subconsciously) in order not to feel pain. And yet, to transform the pain during therapy we do need to briefly touch upon the pain. There is no magic wand that wipes away the pain. But Focusing offers an alternative to the sometimes uncomfortable discussions that many people associate with psychotherapy.

Unlike traditional therapy, Focusing allows you to remain in a safe state of mind while the therapist guides you to a place where you can deal with your emotions and gain peace of mind. One aspect that many people find comforting with this exercise is that much of the conversation is optional, leaving them able to respond and react to their own experience of the therapy.

Often when you come in to therapy it can be easy and natural to become defensive; this sort of an exercise will take the burden of communication away, and allow you to orient yourself on your emotions. By getting closer to the issue, you are able to see the it from a distance and ask yourself "What is it all about?" and find an answer.

During the entire session I will coach the client to pay attention to their feelings. Through gently asking specific questions I bring the client to a point where they feel ready to deal with the pain; whether it's through seeing things from a different angle, having a eureka moment about themselves or being able to express their deepest emotions to someone.

As each person is unique, I deal with each person in a different way. Prior to directing their attention within themselves, I guide the client to their peaceful place with their eyes closed so that the client can get relaxed and more in tune with the emotions held in their body. In holistic therapy, the connection between body and mind is given greater importance.

The session has been successful when you feel a shift in your emotions, and experience a feeling of release. Most of the time there is no need for much talk afterwards and the you can go home and let it all sink in and celebrate your newfound peace.

It always amazes me how powerful this method can be. Focusing helps the client to go much deeper within themselves than by regular talking. Although talking has it's place, transformation happens when we have our eyes closed and our mind focused with no fear of overcoming the obstacles. The greatest satisfaction arrives when the transformation is complete.

Do You Control Your Thoughts or Do Your Thoughts Control You?

Plato: "We can easily forgive a child who is is afraid of the dark, but the real tragedy of life is when adults are afraid of the light."

Negative thoughts are controlled by your emotions. A quick fix can be to repeat positive affirmations. Sometimes all that's necessary to change your thoughts is practice and repetition of healthier thinking.

Affirmations work like commands given to a computer. They influence how we perceive ourselves, other people, events and circumstances.

Here is how this works: The repeated words build mental images in the mind and focus us on positive, productive thoughts. Frequent repetitions are like adding drops of water to a bucket, changing our habits over time. The conscious mind, starts the process and then the subconscious mind takes charge. This means that the most frequent thoughts that pass through your mind, ultimately effect your life and your future.

Here are some examples of positive affirmations:

I seek people who love and nurture me

I am centered and balanced

I can change

I value and love myself exactly the way I am

While affirmations are a highly effective tool, for some people reciting affirmations, will not allow them to deal with the root issues and negative emotions. For those people I help them to feel the underlying feelings first and then transform into peaceful feelings through a process called Focusing. Next week I will go into detail on this exercise. In the meantime, you can read more about it on my website here.

Live in the Light - From Depression to Expression

One of the several ways to overcome depression is by spending time helping others who are in a worse shape than you are.
When you feel empty, like you're at the bottom of the barrel, with nothing to give, dark and negative thoughts feed on themselves and you spiral downwards. At that level you may even think that there is no one out there who can help you. That fear is only justified if you don't have the desire to be helped.
If you reverse your thinking through the realization that there are people out there who are worse of than you are. Find them and help them. Here you are coming from a perspective of strength. Even if you don't feel like it, do it anyway! Just like going to the dentist.
You will find that just by the act of helping others, volunteering, you are starting a spiral upwards. Without having to share your story with anyone, you are now being appreciated for who you are and what you can do for others. The sense of gratitude that others may have for you can start a bud opening up, saying: what can I contribute to the world?
Volunteering eliminates fear, focuses your mind and gives you meaning. This in turn will make you feel worthwhile. From here you can start expanding your growth and after a while you will be ready to see someone (therapist) to explore where the darkness originates from and to dissolve it, so that you are able to live in the light.
Continued volunteering will give you a basis for self-esteem and positive energy from which you can explore your inner arena to become a stronger and wiser person, taking one more step towards living a more peaceful life.