I FEEL VULNERABE IF I EXPRESS MY EMOTIONS: So I don’t.

When people feel vulnerable, they hold back.  In relationships, this is the kiss of death.



As people, we are emotional beings, whether we like to admit it or not.  Male and female alike.  If we choose to hold back from expressing our feelings, then we are certain to endanger our relationship with our loved ones, family and friends.  We pay a heavy toll when we choose to do this.



Why Do We Fear Being Vulnerable?

In some cases, we believe, without a doubt, that we would be putting ourselves in a position of weakness, be defenseless and susceptible to a seriously, negative response.   We would be exposing ourselves to be a target of ridicule or attack.   It’s equal to losing control and putting ourselves at the mercy of someone else.  And there’s nothing comfortable about that!  So we earnestly avoid doing it, as if our lives depend upon it.

Where Did This Fear Come From?

Fear is a feeling of danger which invokes a fight or flight response.  When we are dealing with emotions, we usually choose to take flight!  Time and time again, this fear is traced back to when we were being raised as children.  For example, did you ever hear, or were you ever told:

·         ‘men don’t cry’

·         ‘girls cry at the drop of a hat’

·         Showing feelings is a sign of weakness

·         ‘Be a man’

·         ‘Suck it up’

·         ‘crying is for sissies’

·         ‘Be strong’

Or when we tried to explain our side of the story, expressing our feelings (and yes, being vulnerable), it wasn’t received well?  Were you punished? Made fun of? Or told you needed to ‘toughen-up’.  Remember, you were a child here.  You were learning the rules of life.  How to please adults.  How to conduct ourselves in our environment so that we received praise, not ridicule.  We were indoctrinated with the experiences, therefore the rules, of those influential in our life.   Right or wrong, as a child, we were absorbing the behavior and rules of those around us to survive. 



Here’s the Good News!

You’re not a child anymore, so ask yourself “do those rules serve me well now?”  Not likely.  So can you do anything to change them?  Absolutely!

Change the Rules!  You have the Power!

To show someone that you are vulnerable is actually a sign of strength.   It shows that you are comfortable with who you are.  That you have control over your thoughts and actions.  You are exhibiting self-confidence. 



As in any situation you are in, there is a possibility of rejection or a negative response but that doesn’t stop us from trying, does it? No!  We go to the job interviews, approach someone we are attracted to, try new things, meet new people.  We are vulnerable in all these situations.  But we don’t attach anything negative to ourselves for trying and possibly failing.  We accept the outcome whether they are negative or positive.  We believe we did our best.  If we are rejected, our sense of being is still intact (although perhaps a little bruised!) but we quickly get over it.  We shake off the negative feeling, chalk it up to experience and move on to the next adventure.  We’re okay.  This is proof that we are capable of being vulnerable and still maintain control.   It’s all good.  It’s all positive.



So try this:  look at your current relationship and ask yourself what are you holding back from expressing or showing?  What are the problematic topics you are avoiding?  Now ask yourself ‘why am I avoiding them?’  Is your reason based on fact?  Or is it just an unfounded belief? 



Psychotherapy Can Help

In my practice, I have helped many people overcome their fear of being vulnerable.  It begins with identifying where the fear originated, and then replacing them with positive beliefs building up your confident.  Because these emotions are deeply rooted, guidance is usually necessary to help you overcome your fear.  Together we will be on this journey. 

Cracking the Code of Love

These are highlights from an interview between Shane Parrish (Farnham Street) and Dr. Sue Johnson.

The full interview is available here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ws-4Oy0ongU

Dr. Sue Johnson is a researcher, clinical psychologist, and the developer of Emotionally Focused Therapy. In this interview, they discuss how to create, protect, and nourish fulfilling sexual and emotional relationships.

In this discussion, they walk through the life cycle of human relationships, from early infatuation to dating, marriage, and beyond while taking short detours to explore many of the hazards that are common in each stage.

Sue talks about finding, sparking and rekindling connection with our partner, why emotional responsiveness is critical to a healthy relationship, and she shares the recipe to a great sex life that all the popular online and magazine articles are missing.

Here are a few highlights from their conversation:

Many of us have no idea. We don’t know what we’re looking for. We just don’t want to be lonely anymore and we want somebody to have fun with and we want someone to have sex with. We’re caught up in the society thing of girls are supposed to look like this and guys are supposed to look like that.

What I’ve always tried to tell my children is, you can be attracted to lots of people in a very superficial way and you’re going to experiment with relationships, you are, because you have to get to know this dance, and you’re going to make mistakes. But what you really need to do is listen to yourself and listen to when you feel safe and when dancing with someone is easy and makes you feel good, and when you can be vulnerable for a moment and that person tunes in and cares about your vulnerability. That’s the person to go with.

Of course, things go wrong and they fight, they hurt each other and that’s a relationship. If you dance with somebody, they’re going to step on your feet. They’re going to go left when you expect them to go right. It’s just the way it is. The point is, in a good relationship, you can recognize what’s happened and you can tune in and you can repair it. It’s emotional responsiveness. That’s the basis of a secure bond.

Emotional isolation is traumatizing for human beings. You’re not wired for it. It’s a danger cue for your nervous system.

Attachment tends to be hierarchical. We can love more than one person, but in terms of who you turn to when you really need, in terms of where you take your vulnerability, it’s usually hierarchical. We have our special one and most people want to be the special one for somebody else, and most people want a special one. That’s the person that you turn to.

Distressed relationships are always the same all over the world at every age. Where are you? Where are you? Do you care about me? Do I matter to you? Will you respond to me? Will you be there when I’m vulnerable? Am I safe with you? Where are you? Where are you? And when the answer is, “I’m here,” you can deal with almost anything.

Emotional responsiveness is an abstract word that captures a lot. It’s the ability or the willingness that someone has to tune into emotionally and to allow themselves to tune into your non-verbals or your words, and to allow themselves to feel what you’re feeling and who respond to that in a way that you feel that you matter.

You’re more vulnerable to the person you love than anyone in the world; That’s part of being in love. On the other hand, if it’s a good relationship, you’re safer with this person than anywhere else in the world. That’s the paradox of love.

Relationships are live things. They’re live moving organisms, and they’re like every other live thing. If you starve them of attention, and ignore them, and leave them on a shelf for years, then you turn around and try to pick them off the shelf, well, I’m sorry, but they’ve shriveled and died.

The best thing you can give your children is parents who know how to support each other and stand together and help each other. Not only that, but you give your children something more valuable by doing that. You give your children a vision of what a good relationship looks like.

Dr. Sue Johnson (Dr.Sue Johnson), a clinical psychologist and the developer of EFT or Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy. The EFT model is considered to be one of the most effective evidence-based therapy methods available and is currently taught to over 3000 health care professionals every year. Countless couples’ relationships have been repaired and strengthened because of Sue’s work.

Sue is also the author of several books, including Love Sense and her breakout bestseller, Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love, which is hands down the best relationship book I’ve ever read.

How to Listen to Pain

--by Jill Suttie, syndicated from Greater Good, Feb 25, 2016 interview with Brené Brown

Why do we feel shame and how does shame change us?

Shame is the most powerful, master emotion. It's the fear that we're not good enough. --Brené Brown

According to Brené Brown, a researcher at the University of Houston, shame is an “intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging.” It’s an emotion that affects all of us and profoundly shapes the way we interact in the world. But, depending on how we deal with it, shame can either shut us down or lead us to a new sense of bravery and authenticity.

Jill Suttie: Why do you think it’s important to study shame and vulnerability?

Brené Brown: Because they are such a big part of our emotional landscape and daily experience. For shame, it’s about shining a light in some dark corners and normalizing some universal experiences that by definition make us feel very alone.

As for vulnerability, a lot of people believe that vulnerability is the centre of dark and difficult emotions that we don’t want to feel; so they guard against it. The truth is that vulnerability is the centre of all emotions. We’re emotional beings, and to understand our emotions is going to require a bit of uncertainty and risk

JS: What do you mean by vulnerability being at the centre of all emotion?

BB: Based on the research, I define vulnerability as uncertainty, risk and emotional exposure. When we feel dark emotions—when we feel grief or shame or fear, scarcity, disappointment—we feel risk and uncertainty, and we feel emotionally exposed and raw. But vulnerability is also the birthplace of love, joy, belonging, trust, intimacy, creativity, and all of the good things. If we’re practicing a guarded heart life, we’re pushing away the things we’re most desperate for.

JS: Can you talk about the difference between shame and guilt?

BB: The easiest way to separate shame from guilt is to say shame is “I’m bad” and guilt is “I did something bad.” Shame is a focus on self; guilt is a focus on behaviour. An easy parenting example would be saying, “You’re stupid” versus “You’re a great kid that made a bad decision.” It’s very hard to get out from underneath shame because, if that’s who you are, what is the potential for change?

JS: Why should we engage with shame in the way you describe in your book when it’s so painful? What’s the benefit to that?

BB: Shame needs three things to grow exponentially: secrecy, silence, and judgment. Those are not authentic responses. So, dealing with shame while maintaining authenticity and cultivating more courage, connection, and compassion in your relationships is what’s needed. It’s a tall order. But one of the by products of being able to move through shame constructively is that people who come out the other side by default feel braver, more connected and compassionate.

JS: Do you have advice for people who grew up in families where emotions were ignored or downplayed?

BB: I’m a big believer in therapy. I could not have done this work without a really great therapist. I don’t think we can do this work alone, because we were never meant to. It’s not how we’re wired. We’re wired for connection, from mirror neurons on down, and in the absence of connection, there’s suffering. So, I think just starting small conversations with people we trust and care about and being honest about wanting to learn more and do more about our shame is a good step. It’s all about being in connection while we’re in this learning process.

JS: What do you hope people will most take away from your work?

BB: I hope more than anything that it starts a conversation. I hope my work helps people feel less alone and gives them the permission and the language to talk about the most important parts of being human—both the hard parts and the most beautiful parts.

Brene Brown is a researcher at the University of Houston.

Her TED talk on the power of vulnerability is the fourth most popular talk of all time and has been viewed by over 23 million people, while her books are all bestsellers, including The Gifts of Imperfection, Daring Greatly and her latest book, Rising Strong.

How can I stay motivated to deepen sexuality and intimacy

This blog was written by Ester Perel, author of Mating in Captivity.

How can I stay motivated to deepen sexuality and intimacy between us, if my partner isn’t onboard with me? -- Gabriella, 44

Often in a relationship, there is one person who drives the closeness, intimacy, and connection (the pursuer). And another partner who tends to sustain distance, aim for space, and emphasize autonomy (the distancer).

This is typical in any relationship. The fact that one person wants more closeness than the other is not unusual. Gabriella feels like she’s the only one in the partnership who cares about their intimate connection, and her partner does not value it. If she feels alone, this can lead to a ladder of escalating negative emotions: Rejection > Ashamed for wanting connection > Questioning self worth > Feel unloved, etc.

If there is a solid foundation in the relationship, this type of conversation is one I recommend for many of my pursuer partner clients: “I totally understand that you’re on a different page than me right now. We don’t feel the same way. But I do need to know that you care about me, that you have empathy for what I’m going through, and that I’m not being dismissed. I don’t need you to want what I want, but I do need that you care about what I want, and you value that I what it.”

If you want more intimacy with your partner, but you seem to be on different pages, these questions may help generate a conversation like the one above:

What is going on for you right now? What is holding you back?
What can we do to change this together?
Is there anything you need from me so we can proceed in a direction that gives both of us what we are looking for?
What is going on for you sexually?

You want to try to understand if the reasons have to do with the relationship, with you, or if they are really the struggles of your partner, which he or she needs to take responsibility for him or herself.


Ganga Daryanani, RSW

Ganga@holisticcounsel.com

416 769 6810

www.Holisticcounsel.com

www.TorontoCounselling.blogspot.com

If you think this blog may be of interest to someone, please feel free to forward.

What is all this about love and romance anyway… and how does love work?

Dr. Sue Johnson says:

Love is not some kind of weird morass of sex and sentiment that comes and goes mysteriously.  It’s an ancient, wired-in survival code designed to keep those you can depend on close.   It’s the human survival strategy par excellence.  The bonds between parent and child and between adults are our safe haven in a potentially dangerous and random universe.  There are now hundreds of studies that show this and also tell us what the key elements in these bonds are what defines them, makes or breaks them.

This map shows us how to actually shape and create love to the point where trained guides, can now take a relationship that is going down in flames and show couples how to turn it around into - No, not just a comfy relationship - but a vibrant, close, loving bond. Moving out of despair and disconnection into the kinds of bonds we all dream about and long for.

For years we had studies showing that our way of working with couples shifted relationships into less conflict and more satisfaction.  But this is not the same as showing that it is possible to deliberately sculpt attachment - the special, deep emotional bond that our brain codes as crucial to survival.  This kind of bond predicts:

•         Strong sense of self
•         Good mental health
•         Resilience under stress
• 
  

It is now possible to deliberately isolate the key elements in love, such as emotional responsiveness, and in a short time to systematically guide two disconnected people to shape these elements so as to change the security of their attachment bond.

Terry and Tim (fictitious) came into our office talking about divorce. “He never talks” says Terry.  We have zero connection.  I don’t know why I stay.  I am lonely and mad all the time. “Yep, that is about right” replies Tim.  “All you do is complain and demand stuff from me and tell me how damned disappointing I am.  So I just shut down and turn you off. Just 8 weeks later, Tim and Terry see each other differently.  Their dance and the emotional music directing that dance has changed.  They can now see how they trigger fight and flight responses in each other, and how each of them gets stuck in defensives and distance.  After another few weeks or so, they start doing something incredible-they begin to build a loving, responsible bond. In just 20 weeks we didn't just change our problems. And we didn't just fall back in love, she says.  We went to a whole new level.  We never knew love could be like this.

Our study showed that, whether your secret insecurity is that you are anxious and always worried about being abandoned or dismissed, or that you are usually numbed out and defensively denying your need for closeness, this process that we call Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) works and moves you into new levels of emotional connection. The big shift is that people open up emotionally and become more attuned and emotionally responsive to each other's vulnerabilities and needs.  And we all know that this is what love is all about in the end.  It`s all about emotional presence, being there for each other, no matter what.

Have you taken care of YOU lately?

Worried about your Emotional and Mental Health?

Emergency!  You hear the announcement from the pilot to put your oxygen mask on.  What do you do first?  Put the mask on your child, or yourself?    We're so focused on caring for others that we instinctually put the mask on our loved ones first.   We reason once they're safe, then we'll put our mask on.    Sadly, that would be a big mistake. 

However, it tends to be the way we run our daily lives.   We take care of ourselves (stop laughing) when we have the extra time (again, stop laughing!!!), putting our needs last on a long list of ‘to do’s’ which we never get to (stop crying).  

Where does that put you?  Are you on the top of the list or at the bottom?  If you put your ‘oxygen mask’ on, then you'll have the mental, emotional and physical strength to do what’s necessary to help those around you.  If you put it on your child first, they won't know what to do next when you collapse because you didn't get the needed oxygen in time.  They are alive, but helpless.

We're juggling so many things, it’s exhausting.  You can’t find any time for yourself.  But if you could you'd hide yourself somewhere to steal some ZZZZZZZ’s!!!!!

We all know sleep is important to our overall health, so we rest. 

We all know exercise is important to our overall health; so we set the clock an hour earlier to do running, or yoga, or whatever our choice.   We're learning about exercising our brains.  So we learn to play an instrument, a new language, or just learn something new. 

All of the above can put stress on your emotional & mental wellbeing as well as your interpersonal relationships.  If your needs are put on the bottom of the list, you may never get healthy on any level.   People around us will continue to ask us to do things for them, and we want to help them.  Unfortunately, your oxygen mask is not on.  Everyone else is wearing theirs, but NOT YOU!   You are in a precarious position and it should change for your health and wellbeing.

Take the time to review your actions.  Learn to say no.  Put yourself first, so that when you are stronger you can handle just about anything anyone throws at you.

This is where psychotherapy helps. I’m here to help strengthen your emotional and mental wellbeing so you can handle life’s challenges.   

  

Are Your Buttons Being Pushed?

If you're like me, you avoid thinking about the past because you don't see any benefit in the present. Maybe you find it uncomfortable, or painful. Why stir up a lot of memories that you would prefer to forget? Especially when they involve parents, siblings, or old friends; the very same people you share every major holiday for the rest of your life with. But there are good reasons to look back.

As we learn how our brains process emotion and store emotional memory, it becomes clear that yesterday's feelings influence our ability to make positive lasting emotional connections today. If we want to have relationships that are more meaningful in the future, we must have some insight into our past. In fact, looking back thoughtfully may eventually help you to build better connections with those scary folks gathered around the dinner table.

Everyone has emotional baggage, some more than others. Just take a minute and think about your childhood, there must have been some incidents that upset you. Piled on top of each other, these cause that discomfort at family reunions and let certain relatives get under your skin. Through modern technology and numerous studies we now know that all of these painful memories, especially from early childhood trauma physiologically changes how our brain develops.

So as an adult these changes from childhood have a large bearing on our behaviour and we are not even aware of it. Examine your relationships today. Think about the good and the bad. It should not be a challenge to connect the dots between our pain as a child and our pain as an adult.

Generally speaking, strong emotional memories from our childhood become very attractive to us as adults. That does not mean you actively seek it, you are going to find these situations automatically and unconsciously. For example if your parents had clinical depression or were alcoholics /abusive, the chances are good that you will seek these people out or become one.

We repeat these situations over and over as an adult because on some level we want to correct and heal them. Unfortunately, the result is usually that you get re-traumatized. But this presents you with a golden opportunity to make a conscious effort and break the chain of abuse inherited from childhood.

What are the steps forward? It's time to recognize and change the negative situations we put ourselves in. That can be really difficult. Some people get involved in support programs or therapy. The point is you need to find a safe place to hash out those feelings, find their origin, heal and form new habits. Over long periods of time and extensive therapy, it is possible that the brain will physically change over time and truly heal the long term effects of trauma.

Am I Depressed? Top 13 Symptoms of Depression

I often write about treatments of depression, anxiety, etc....but how do you even know it when you or your loved ones are depressed?

What follows are the somewhat ominously numbered thirteen top symptoms of depression, If you or a loved one is experiencing one or more of the below symptoms, then you may consider getting some help.

1. Loss of Appetite: Going the whole day without eating for a few days in a row or more than one day in a week.
2. Overeating: Eating unhealthy food whenever you are feeling anxious, upset, angry or after something bad happens.
3. Sleep Problems: Sleeping too much or too little. If you are sleeping more than 12 hour or less than 2 hours per day. You can alternate between these symptoms.
4. Lack of Energy: Running out of energy very early in the day. Feeling lethargic.
5. Low Self Esteem: Feeling that you are not worthwhile; believing that you are inferior physically or intellectually.
6. Loss of Motivation: Uncaring. Not motivated to take a shower or make a meal or care for your family.
7. Poor Concentration. Focusing on the present is difficult as anxious thoughts are invading your mind.
8. Feeling Hopeless: Writing off all possibilities and opportunities as doomed from the start.
9. Lack of Sex Drive: Disinterested in all intimate contact, especially sex.
10. Social Isolation: Pushing others away or feeling uncomfortable around people. It may feel that you need others but that you have no one you can turn to.
11. Irrational/Emotional Outbursts: Finding yourself getting angry or upset often. If this is happening regularly, then some of it is irrational or misdirected.
12. Disregarding Responsibility: Abandoning anything that causes stress, including people, your job, social responsibilities, etc...
13. Substance Abuse: Repetitive or overuse of alcohol, marijuana, prescription drugs, etc. Particularly as a way to cope.

In the past there was a stigma attached to depression and therapy. Now it's very common to seek help before it becomes more serious.