What is all this about love and romance anyway… and how does love work?

Dr. Sue Johnson says:

Love is not some kind of weird morass of sex and sentiment that comes and goes mysteriously.  It’s an ancient, wired-in survival code designed to keep those you can depend on close.   It’s the human survival strategy par excellence.  The bonds between parent and child and between adults are our safe haven in a potentially dangerous and random universe.  There are now hundreds of studies that show this and also tell us what the key elements in these bonds are what defines them, makes or breaks them.

This map shows us how to actually shape and create love to the point where trained guides, can now take a relationship that is going down in flames and show couples how to turn it around into - No, not just a comfy relationship - but a vibrant, close, loving bond. Moving out of despair and disconnection into the kinds of bonds we all dream about and long for.

For years we had studies showing that our way of working with couples shifted relationships into less conflict and more satisfaction.  But this is not the same as showing that it is possible to deliberately sculpt attachment - the special, deep emotional bond that our brain codes as crucial to survival.  This kind of bond predicts:

•         Strong sense of self
•         Good mental health
•         Resilience under stress
• 
  

It is now possible to deliberately isolate the key elements in love, such as emotional responsiveness, and in a short time to systematically guide two disconnected people to shape these elements so as to change the security of their attachment bond.

Terry and Tim (fictitious) came into our office talking about divorce. “He never talks” says Terry.  We have zero connection.  I don’t know why I stay.  I am lonely and mad all the time. “Yep, that is about right” replies Tim.  “All you do is complain and demand stuff from me and tell me how damned disappointing I am.  So I just shut down and turn you off. Just 8 weeks later, Tim and Terry see each other differently.  Their dance and the emotional music directing that dance has changed.  They can now see how they trigger fight and flight responses in each other, and how each of them gets stuck in defensives and distance.  After another few weeks or so, they start doing something incredible-they begin to build a loving, responsible bond. In just 20 weeks we didn't just change our problems. And we didn't just fall back in love, she says.  We went to a whole new level.  We never knew love could be like this.

Our study showed that, whether your secret insecurity is that you are anxious and always worried about being abandoned or dismissed, or that you are usually numbed out and defensively denying your need for closeness, this process that we call Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) works and moves you into new levels of emotional connection. The big shift is that people open up emotionally and become more attuned and emotionally responsive to each other's vulnerabilities and needs.  And we all know that this is what love is all about in the end.  It`s all about emotional presence, being there for each other, no matter what.

The first step in conquering fear is not to be frightened by fear itself.  Start by seeing fear as a friend, not as your enemy.

Actually, it’s o.k. to be scared at times, it’s a way to keep you safe from dangerous situations.  Fear is often connected with something familiar ending, like a relationship, or the unknown.

We resist change, yet we are living in a rapidly deteriorating world.  If you don’t change, life will leave you behind.  Once you can accept change, most of the fear will be disappear.

Here are some tips to overcome fear:

1. Expect the best, but learn not to react when you don’t get what you want.  Just accept it and act calmly and powerfully.
2. If you don’t know what to do immediately, do nothing, wait till the answer comes to you.
3. Visualize being on earth to fulfill your duties (karma).  See each person also doing the same.  We are all in the same boat.  Accept everything that crosses your path, knowing that this too is “meant to be”.
4. Feel the freedom of being involved in life and being a bystander at the same time.
5. Take 15 minutes each day and visualize the condition you want.  See yourself with the object of your desire and become part of it.  Then do something that moves you towards your dream.

From Chaos to Order

Holistic psychotherapy promotes an integration of wellbeing on the physical, emotional, mental and spiritual level. When all these three aspects reach their peak, then there is harmony and a sense of wellbeing in a person. In the process of moving towards this "perfection" we evolve in an upward spiral of order and then chaos to a higher level of order through chaos or disease to an even higher level, etc.

Chaos is a stepping stone from one level of order to the next higher level. Everyone experiences this, whether or not they are conscious of it. Each new level of order is a new level of health (physical, emotional, mental and spiritual).. It may be a combination or all of them. Chaos only becomes a disease when we get stuck in the chaos without breaking through to a higher level of order. We might say to ourselves: "this does not feel good," or "maybe something is out of synch".

When we become "stuck" within a chaotic pattern, without learning or evolving through it, that’s when we disrupt our natural energy flow, creating stress and disease. Order-chaos-order happens on a regular basis. It is a cycle that can be used to help us evolve. Chaos is one of the biggest teachers. Most people’s lives have a certain amount of chaos each day and our response can be constructive or destructive.

As a therapist, I help people to break through the chaos to a higher level of peace and serenity. The method I often use: Focusing, is a way of getting to the core of the issues and then gently transforming the obstacles.

Look out for the next post where I will elaborate on the method Focusing further.