I FEEL VULNERABE IF I EXPRESS MY EMOTIONS: So I don’t.

When people feel vulnerable, they hold back.  In relationships, this is the kiss of death.



As people, we are emotional beings, whether we like to admit it or not.  Male and female alike.  If we choose to hold back from expressing our feelings, then we are certain to endanger our relationship with our loved ones, family and friends.  We pay a heavy toll when we choose to do this.



Why Do We Fear Being Vulnerable?

In some cases, we believe, without a doubt, that we would be putting ourselves in a position of weakness, be defenseless and susceptible to a seriously, negative response.   We would be exposing ourselves to be a target of ridicule or attack.   It’s equal to losing control and putting ourselves at the mercy of someone else.  And there’s nothing comfortable about that!  So we earnestly avoid doing it, as if our lives depend upon it.

Where Did This Fear Come From?

Fear is a feeling of danger which invokes a fight or flight response.  When we are dealing with emotions, we usually choose to take flight!  Time and time again, this fear is traced back to when we were being raised as children.  For example, did you ever hear, or were you ever told:

·         ‘men don’t cry’

·         ‘girls cry at the drop of a hat’

·         Showing feelings is a sign of weakness

·         ‘Be a man’

·         ‘Suck it up’

·         ‘crying is for sissies’

·         ‘Be strong’

Or when we tried to explain our side of the story, expressing our feelings (and yes, being vulnerable), it wasn’t received well?  Were you punished? Made fun of? Or told you needed to ‘toughen-up’.  Remember, you were a child here.  You were learning the rules of life.  How to please adults.  How to conduct ourselves in our environment so that we received praise, not ridicule.  We were indoctrinated with the experiences, therefore the rules, of those influential in our life.   Right or wrong, as a child, we were absorbing the behavior and rules of those around us to survive. 



Here’s the Good News!

You’re not a child anymore, so ask yourself “do those rules serve me well now?”  Not likely.  So can you do anything to change them?  Absolutely!

Change the Rules!  You have the Power!

To show someone that you are vulnerable is actually a sign of strength.   It shows that you are comfortable with who you are.  That you have control over your thoughts and actions.  You are exhibiting self-confidence. 



As in any situation you are in, there is a possibility of rejection or a negative response but that doesn’t stop us from trying, does it? No!  We go to the job interviews, approach someone we are attracted to, try new things, meet new people.  We are vulnerable in all these situations.  But we don’t attach anything negative to ourselves for trying and possibly failing.  We accept the outcome whether they are negative or positive.  We believe we did our best.  If we are rejected, our sense of being is still intact (although perhaps a little bruised!) but we quickly get over it.  We shake off the negative feeling, chalk it up to experience and move on to the next adventure.  We’re okay.  This is proof that we are capable of being vulnerable and still maintain control.   It’s all good.  It’s all positive.



So try this:  look at your current relationship and ask yourself what are you holding back from expressing or showing?  What are the problematic topics you are avoiding?  Now ask yourself ‘why am I avoiding them?’  Is your reason based on fact?  Or is it just an unfounded belief? 



Psychotherapy Can Help

In my practice, I have helped many people overcome their fear of being vulnerable.  It begins with identifying where the fear originated, and then replacing them with positive beliefs building up your confident.  Because these emotions are deeply rooted, guidance is usually necessary to help you overcome your fear.  Together we will be on this journey. 

Vulnerability

One of America's most beloved authors just told us her 'number one life hack' for lasting relationships

Dr. Brené Brown

Anybody who's been in — or out of — a relationship can tell you that they're full of miscommunications, misreadings, and other misunderstandings. 

You say one thing, they hear something else. Better yet, you project motivations onto them, drawing out conclusions about their behavior that they can't even understand.

Thankfully, "Daring Greatly" author Brené Brown — whose Ted Talk on vulnerability has over 21 million views— has been through it.

As she talks about in her new book about resilience, "Rising Strong, "a simple life hack can help anybody in relationship be better understood.

"If I could give men and women in relationship and leaders and parents one hack, I would give them, 'the story I'm making up,'" Brown told Tech Insider. "Basically, you're telling the other person your reading of the situation — and simultaneously admitting that you know it can't be 100% accurate."

It's a life-saver for a few reasons, she says: It's honest, it's transparent, and it's vulnerable.

According to Brown and the scores of interviews she did for "Daring Greatly" and "Rising Strong," vulnerability essentially provides the bandwidth for two people to relate and trust one another.

When you say "the story I'm making up," Brown says that it conveys "I want you to see me and understand me and hear me, and knowing what you really mean is more important to me than being right or self-protecting."

With those five words, you check the narrative in your head.

In "Rising Strong," Brown supplies a very vivid example of "the story I'm making up right now" in action.

One summer, she and her husband Steve took a long-awaited vacation with the kids in a lake in the Hill Country of Texas. The two of them go for a swim in the lake, and feeling taken with the deep joy of the moment, Brown says something very sweet — and very vulnerable — to her spouse.

"I'm so glad we decided to do this together," she says. "It's beautiful out here."

Her husband, she shares, is way better than her at putting himself out there, so she expected him to reply to her romantic bid with an equal force of affection.

But instead:

"Yeah, water's good," he replied.

She felt embarrassed, ashamed. And going against her conflict-oriented upbringing, she decided to make another bid for connection.

"This is so great," she said. "I love that we're doing this. I feel so close to you."

Again, deaf ears.

"Yep, good swim," he replied before swimming away.

Brown was nonplussed. This is "total horseshit," she remembers thinking. What's going on? I don't know if I'm supposed to feel humiliated or hostile.

Before they got out, she asked him to stop — saying that she kept trying to connect with him and he kept blowing her off.

Then, instead of being aggressive and self-protective, she opted for being kind. And she relied on a certain life hack she learned in her research.

"I feel like you're blowing me off," she said, "and the story I'm making up is either you looked at me while I was swimming and thought, Man, she's getting old. She can't even swim freestyle anymore. Or you saw me and thought, She sure as hell doesn't rock a Speedo like she did twenty-five years ago."

After a little time, Steve replied. He wasn't being distant to spite her; he said that he had been trying to fight off a panic attack the whole swim.

He explained that the night before, he had a dream where he was with their kids on a raft when a speedboat came screaming toward them, and he had to pull all the children into the water so they wouldn't get killed by the raging vessel. He didn't even know what his wife was saying to him while they swam; he was just trying to concentrate on his swimming and make it back to the dock.

Suddenly, it made sense to her: People on the lake do tend to get drunk on boats, and everybody who grows up around water hears about tragic boating accidents. And he felt like she would think less of him for not being able to prevent one.

After a little more conversation, it became clear to both of them: Brené was stuck in a "shame story" that she wasn't fit or pretty enough for Steve, and Steve was stuck in a "shame story" that he wasn't strong or capable enough for Brené.

But with making the leap of vulnerability symbolized in the story I'm making up, they were able to let go of the narrative they were telling themselves about the situation and actually see one another's perspective.

Five little words. Big difference.

Written by: Drake Baer of Tech Insider 

Dr. Brené Brown (born November 18, 1965) is a research Professor at the University of Houston where she holds the Huffington Foundation – Brené Brown Endowed Chair at The Graduate College of Social Work. She has spent the past sixteen years studying courage, vulnerability, shame, and empathy and is the author of four #1 New York Times bestsellers – The Gifts of Imperfection, Daring Greatly, Rising Strong, and Braving the Wilderness: The Quest for True Belonging and The Courage to Stand Alone. Brown's TED talk – The Power of Vulnerability – is one of the top five most viewed TED talks in the world with over 30 million views. Brené lives in Houston, Texas with her husband, Steve, and their children, Ellen and Charlie.

Beyond Finances in Divorce

Here is a guest blog from a colleague that you may find interesting and informative.

Often when couples fight about money the conflict isn’t actually about money at all.  Money provokes all kinds of emotions including fear, greed and the need for power, just to name a few.  As a Financial Family Mediator I have many clients sit in my office and argue about money.  Mostly, it’s about who will receive the lion’s share of wealth that the couple unmasked or who will be the supporting spouse and who will be the receiving spouse.  But when you look under the numbers the discussion isn’t really about money; it’s about something entirely different.

Sometimes, it’s easy to understand what thoughts might be at bay during money discussions.  An older couple divorcing (family law professionals call them ‘grey divorces’) might understandably be concerned with their retirement cash flow now that they have half the pot and very little, if anything, left in terms of future earning potential.  Fear about lifestyle and funding medical issues can prevail.

Others approaching retirement within, say ten years, may feel a sense of insecurity around their financial future now that they have to share all their net worth and may have to put off that dream of retirement for more than few years.  Having put the kids through school, the goal was to create a retirement nest based on two incomes, not one.  Fear of the unknown and insecurity about money issues are key.

Other couples fight constantly about money issues but the underlying catalyst may be the values and beliefs they were individually taught (usually by their parents) about the value of things.  I also attest that one spouse is the ‘perceived’ spender and the other the ‘perceived’ saver in these marriages.  I preface ‘perceived’ because the couple may be doing just fine financially…on track to meet all their financial goals but one spouse is more of a spender and that can create a problem.  Validation of expenditures to the saver says more about the relationship than just money, after all.  Likewise, foolish purchases can also be a problem and be a more deep-rooted issue such as insecurity or a need for power, as examples.

So when I sit in my Mediations and listen to my clients talk about the ‘division of property’ and working through the financial issues surrounding their divorce, I listen closely for clues that might be missed like ‘security’, ‘fear’ and ‘power’ to help these clients to understand the underlying issues and make healthier choices when it comes to resolving their family division.  Knowledge is also important in making financial decisions so have a look at the financial calculators on my website and subscribe to Financial Divorce Services blog for more information.

http://www.financialdivorceservices.com/calculators/

http://www.financialdivorceservices.com/financial-smarts-blog/

Kathryn Jankowski, B.A., CFP, FMA, CFDS, AccFM

Certified Financial Divorce Specialist, Accredited Family Mediator

151 Randall Street, Suite 100

Oakville, ON L6J 1P5

(416)729-7981

Kathryn@FinancialDivorceServices.com

www.FinancialDivorceServices.com

How to overcome: Insecurity and Low Self-esteem

If we say we are what we do (architect, painter, etc…) then the moment someone criticises our work, we feel anger and fear towards that person.  Why?  Because we perceive the criticism to be a personal attack.  As a result we build a defensive wall around ourselves and our behaviour becomes defensive and protective.  This is how many people live their life.  It is called: perpetual insecurity and it drains our self-esteem.

Similarly, we may identify with our job position e.g. position as managing director.  When we return home in the evening, unless we consciously release the role of managing director, we may find ourselves trying to be a managing director in the family, when they obviously need a father or mother, husband or wife.

 The same thing happens when we base our identity on our country of birth.  We become nationalistic and generate fear and animosity towards the people of other nations, even in subtle ways. (Discrimination)

 The two major sources of conflict in the world are between people who identify with their belief systems (religion) or the colour of their skin (race).  In all these examples we are simply identifying with a label.  We are not a label.  Neither are we a set of beliefs. We can change our beliefs by our own will.  They can be as impermanent as the clothes we wear if we so decide. If we were to explore human conflict, we might feel that all anger and fear and all the interpersonal and international wars to which they lead, have their roots in the amnesia of the soul.  It is simply our forgotten sense of our true self-identity, or mistakenly identifying with what we are not.

 

"Be relaxed,
Be present ... Be powerful,
Be inspired ... Be your true self"

The first step in conquering fear is not to be frightened by fear itself.  Start by seeing fear as a friend, not as your enemy.

Actually, it’s o.k. to be scared at times, it’s a way to keep you safe from dangerous situations.  Fear is often connected with something familiar ending, like a relationship, or the unknown.

We resist change, yet we are living in a rapidly deteriorating world.  If you don’t change, life will leave you behind.  Once you can accept change, most of the fear will be disappear.

Here are some tips to overcome fear:

1. Expect the best, but learn not to react when you don’t get what you want.  Just accept it and act calmly and powerfully.
2. If you don’t know what to do immediately, do nothing, wait till the answer comes to you.
3. Visualize being on earth to fulfill your duties (karma).  See each person also doing the same.  We are all in the same boat.  Accept everything that crosses your path, knowing that this too is “meant to be”.
4. Feel the freedom of being involved in life and being a bystander at the same time.
5. Take 15 minutes each day and visualize the condition you want.  See yourself with the object of your desire and become part of it.  Then do something that moves you towards your dream.