Beyond Finances in Divorce

Here is a guest blog from a colleague that you may find interesting and informative.

Often when couples fight about money the conflict isn’t actually about money at all.  Money provokes all kinds of emotions including fear, greed and the need for power, just to name a few.  As a Financial Family Mediator I have many clients sit in my office and argue about money.  Mostly, it’s about who will receive the lion’s share of wealth that the couple unmasked or who will be the supporting spouse and who will be the receiving spouse.  But when you look under the numbers the discussion isn’t really about money; it’s about something entirely different.

Sometimes, it’s easy to understand what thoughts might be at bay during money discussions.  An older couple divorcing (family law professionals call them ‘grey divorces’) might understandably be concerned with their retirement cash flow now that they have half the pot and very little, if anything, left in terms of future earning potential.  Fear about lifestyle and funding medical issues can prevail.

Others approaching retirement within, say ten years, may feel a sense of insecurity around their financial future now that they have to share all their net worth and may have to put off that dream of retirement for more than few years.  Having put the kids through school, the goal was to create a retirement nest based on two incomes, not one.  Fear of the unknown and insecurity about money issues are key.

Other couples fight constantly about money issues but the underlying catalyst may be the values and beliefs they were individually taught (usually by their parents) about the value of things.  I also attest that one spouse is the ‘perceived’ spender and the other the ‘perceived’ saver in these marriages.  I preface ‘perceived’ because the couple may be doing just fine financially…on track to meet all their financial goals but one spouse is more of a spender and that can create a problem.  Validation of expenditures to the saver says more about the relationship than just money, after all.  Likewise, foolish purchases can also be a problem and be a more deep-rooted issue such as insecurity or a need for power, as examples.

So when I sit in my Mediations and listen to my clients talk about the ‘division of property’ and working through the financial issues surrounding their divorce, I listen closely for clues that might be missed like ‘security’, ‘fear’ and ‘power’ to help these clients to understand the underlying issues and make healthier choices when it comes to resolving their family division.  Knowledge is also important in making financial decisions so have a look at the financial calculators on my website and subscribe to Financial Divorce Services blog for more information.

http://www.financialdivorceservices.com/calculators/

http://www.financialdivorceservices.com/financial-smarts-blog/

Kathryn Jankowski, B.A., CFP, FMA, CFDS, AccFM

Certified Financial Divorce Specialist, Accredited Family Mediator

151 Randall Street, Suite 100

Oakville, ON L6J 1P5

(416)729-7981

Kathryn@FinancialDivorceServices.com

www.FinancialDivorceServices.com

How to overcome: Insecurity and Low Self-esteem

If we say we are what we do (architect, painter, etc…) then the moment someone criticises our work, we feel anger and fear towards that person.  Why?  Because we perceive the criticism to be a personal attack.  As a result we build a defensive wall around ourselves and our behaviour becomes defensive and protective.  This is how many people live their life.  It is called: perpetual insecurity and it drains our self-esteem.

Similarly, we may identify with our job position e.g. position as managing director.  When we return home in the evening, unless we consciously release the role of managing director, we may find ourselves trying to be a managing director in the family, when they obviously need a father or mother, husband or wife.

 The same thing happens when we base our identity on our country of birth.  We become nationalistic and generate fear and animosity towards the people of other nations, even in subtle ways. (Discrimination)

 The two major sources of conflict in the world are between people who identify with their belief systems (religion) or the colour of their skin (race).  In all these examples we are simply identifying with a label.  We are not a label.  Neither are we a set of beliefs. We can change our beliefs by our own will.  They can be as impermanent as the clothes we wear if we so decide. If we were to explore human conflict, we might feel that all anger and fear and all the interpersonal and international wars to which they lead, have their roots in the amnesia of the soul.  It is simply our forgotten sense of our true self-identity, or mistakenly identifying with what we are not.

 

"Be relaxed,
Be present ... Be powerful,
Be inspired ... Be your true self"

FEELING ABANDONED?

It is human nature to feel a sense of attachment with primary figures, e.g. parents and/or grandparents.   If this does not happen during childhood, then it becomes more difficult to have a secure, fulfilling relationship as an adult.  That’s where relationships hit a brick wall.

Some of the physical and emotional aspects of abandonment are: no appetite, light sleeping, anxiety, etc…. In order to heal yourself from deep abandonment feelings, whether it is from childhood or adult trauma, it is not necessary to remember the incidence, just to deal with the feelings.

The way I work with this issue is by first getting in touch with the feelings of the small abandoned child through a Focusing exercise (guided visualization).  This child is the part of you that usually has the feelings of insecurity, worry, aching for kindness, acceptance and approval.

After that, visualize the adult part as the strong and capable part.  Think of when you have felt the most successful and competent.  Then have the 2 parts communicate with each other.  The adult’s role is to parent/adopt the child and give him/her what she needs: acceptance, love, admiration, a sense of being heard, and a person to turn for help. The child’s role is to share her/his feelings and help the adult understand them.

It always amazed me, as a therapist, how powerful the Focusing exercise is for all my clients.  There are often tears of relief and love for oneself.  I see the change in their face at the end of a session, as if a great burden is lifted off their shoulders.  For individual therapy, this is a very powerful tool in my practice which is gratifying for both the client and me.