What we're really asking each other
for, and what we should seek instead.
Wouldn’t it be
wonderful if we were loved and accepted exactly as we are? Many times
during psychotherapy sessions, my clients have uttered some version of, “I just want to
be unconditionally loved! I want someone who can accept me with my flaws and
foibles.”
I’m very sympathetic
to the desire for a partner who is not prone to fixing and changing us. As psychologist Harville Hendrix has
stated, one purpose of adult relationships is to heal old childhood wounds. A common wound is
not feeling seen and accepted as we are. Love relationships can help heal childhood deficits by allowing us
feel welcomed, wanted, and embraced as we are.
Each individual, however, has their
own set of vulnerabilities and needs; there is a limit to what others
can accept about us. Clinging to a demand that we be unconditionally loved
might give us license to be self-centered or destructive. If we have affairs
or are emotionally abusive, can we expect our partner to keep
tolerating such damaging behavior?
It’s a pleasant
fantasy to desire someone always to be there for us, regardless of how
obnoxious we might be. Could our plea for unconditional love be a convenient
way to use romantic or spiritual language as a way to cling to our narcissism and avoid noticing how we affect others?
What Self Do We Want
Others to Love?
Sure, we want to be
accepted for who we are. But are we truly being who we really
are? Or are we being a self that has been defensively constructed to avoid
the vulnerable aspects of who we are? Have we built walls of defenses and
mistakenly taken this fabricated self to be our authentic self? And then proudly insist that people accept and
love this distorted, reactive self?
The notion of
unconditional love raises tricky questions. Are we expecting our partner
to love our nasty, prickly self? Is being angry and critical hiding something
deeper that we don’t want to face or feel? Might our aggressive outbursts
reflect a defensive pattern whereby we hide more tender parts of
ourselves?
Criticism and
contempt have been identified by researcher John Gottman as reliable predictors
of relationship distress and divorce. If we have a pattern of lashing out in anger when we don’t get our way, we may
insist that we want to be accepted for that. But how might you feel if your
partner lashed out unpredictably, perhaps when you’re feeling most vulnerable?
Even a saint would have difficulty experiencing love during such moments.
We may hide our true
feelings because we don’t want to feel uncomfortably exposed. Consequently, our
feelings may come out indirectly. Distancing from what is alive inside us may
explain why we feel irritable, moody, or angry sometimes… It takes a quiet
inner strength to expose what is vulnerably alive inside us. We can relate to
others in a more direct, fulfilling way as we become mindful of what we’re
really experiencing and show our true feelings and wants without misdirection,
games, or shame about who we really are.
I have found Eugene
Gendlin's research-based approach known as Focusing to be especially
helpful in uncovering deeper feelings.
Dancing with a
Difficult Partner
You want to be loved
as you are? That’s understandable. You want to be accepted with your human
flaws and limitations? Of course! It’s easier to garner compassion if your
partner can trust that you’re making a sincere effort to become more aware of
your true feelings and longings.
If you have a
challenging partner, you might recognize their tendency to be
reactive and critical. Your love might prompt you to explore this together
rather than separate, which includes looking at your possible
contribution to cycles of conflict. But it would be unrealistic to
practice unconditional love in the sense of accepting hurtful behaviors without
voicing how they affect you and asserting that it’s not okay to be treated this
way. This would be self-neglect, not unconditional love. In some situations, it
might be easier to love unconditionally from a distance rather than remain in a
partnership that is destructive.
If your partner
pleads with you to seek help through couples therapy, you might want to
consider it. Perhaps see this as an invitation to uncover and reveal more of
who you really are—and to learn how to do so together in a constructive way.
It’s difficult to see ourselves and our interactional dynamics clearly without
reflections back from a wise, caring guide. I have found the research-based approach of Emotionally Focused Therapy for couples
(developed by Dr. Sue Johnson ) to be particularly beneficial. As the
sage Rumi suggested, “Without a guide it will take you two hundred
years for a journey of two years.”
Mutuality
Children need
our unconditional love. But mature love
is nourished through mutuality. Just as our garden needs ample
sunshine and watering, we are sustained by respect, understanding, and nurturing.
John Amodeo, Ph.D.,
MFT, is author of the award-winning book, Dancing with Fire: A Mindful Way to Loving Relationships
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