Powerful Principles For Navigating Through A Crisis

 

"Start where you are. Use what you have. Do what you can."

Arthur Ashe

 

In these uncertain times, sales leaders and business owners wonder how to make the best decisions, both at work and in their personal life. While there's no scientific formula to follow, you can use a framework to lead with ethical intelligence.

Bruce Weinstein, a business ethics speaker and an author for the Society of Corporate Compliance and Ethics, says now's the time to reflect on some powerful principles that will help you navigate through the COVID-19 pandemic. 

Principle No. 1: Do no harm. Physicians, nurses, pharmacists, dentists and clinical social workers are taught in school, "First, do no harm." Weinstein says this principle also applies to professionals who don't work in healthcare. The best thing about this principle, Weinstein says, is that it doesn't take anything to apply it. It is a principle of restraint. You can apply this principle by following your company's guidelines, as well as those of the government, by staying home now. Weinstein says if you're carrying the virus but don't know it because you don't have any symptoms and haven't been tested, you will be unwittingly violating the "Do No Harm" principle by being out in the world.

Principle No. 2: Make things better. Ethical leaders are also committed to making things better during the pandemic. Consider Microsoft, which donated $1 million toward the Puget Sound response fund. Microsoft is doing this because it is the right thing to do. Weinstein says this is a great example of how ethical leadership is good for its own sake and good for the leader's company, too.

Principle No. 3: Respect others. According to Weinstein, ethical leaders show respect for people by keeping their promises, telling the truth and projecting confidentiality. When you work from home, there are more distractions than you'll find in an office setting. There's no one watching to keep you on track. All pose risks to the promises we've made to employers or clients. Weinstein says promise-keeping is a two-way street. Companies that lead with ethical intelligence do all they can to assist employees during a crisis, including providing flexibility, when possible, with respect to childcare and other crucial needs.

Think on this: What will you do to make sure you minimize distractions at home and honor your promise to your employer or client? How are you helping your company keep its promise to employees?

Principle No. 4: Be fair. Weinstein says that to be fair is to give to others their due. Darden Restaurants, whose properties include Olive Garden and other casual eateries, has established a paid sick-leave policy for its 190,000 employees. In so doing, the leadership of Darden Restaurants is displaying ethical intelligence. Not all companies are in a position to offer such a benefit but those that can create incredible loyalty among employees.

Think on this: What will you do to ensure that you're treating your employees and customers fairly during the pandemic? What are you doing in your personal life to be fair—such as when stocking up on supplies, will you leave enough for others who need them, perhaps more than you do?

It takes commitment and courage to live by these principles every day. But when you do, you show that you're striving to make a difference in a tumultuous time in history.

 

Compiled by Audrey Sellers

Source: As The Ethics Guy®, Bruce Weinstein's keynote speeches, training programs, webinars and online courses help companies promote ethical leadership at every level. The result is an engaged and satisfied workforce, more and better clients, and a strategy for long-term financial success.

Is Unconditional Love Possible?

What we're really asking each other for, and what we should seek instead.

Wouldn’t it be wonderful if we were loved and accepted exactly as we are? Many times during psychotherapy sessions, my clients have uttered some version of, “I just want to be unconditionally loved! I want someone who can accept me with my flaws and foibles.”

I’m very sympathetic to the desire for a partner who is not prone to fixing and changing us.  As psychologist Harville Hendrix has stated, one purpose of adult relationships is to heal old childhood wounds.  A common wound is not feeling seen and accepted as we are. Love relationships can help heal childhood deficits by allowing us feel welcomed, wanted, and embraced as we are.

Each individual, however, has their own set of vulnerabilities and needs; there is a limit to what others can accept about us. Clinging to a demand that we be unconditionally loved might give us license to be self-centered or destructive. If we have affairs or are emotionally abusive, can we expect our partner to keep tolerating such damaging behavior?

It’s a pleasant fantasy to desire someone always to be there for us, regardless of how obnoxious we might be. Could our plea for unconditional love be a convenient way to use romantic or spiritual language as a way to cling to our narcissism and avoid noticing how we affect others?

What Self Do We Want Others to Love?

Sure, we want to be accepted for who we are. But are we truly being who we really are? Or are we being a self that has been defensively constructed to avoid the vulnerable aspects of who we are? Have we built walls of defenses and mistakenly taken this fabricated self to be our authentic self?  And then proudly insist that people accept and love this distorted, reactive self?

The notion of unconditional love raises tricky questions. Are we expecting our partner to love our nasty, prickly self? Is being angry and critical hiding something deeper that we don’t want to face or feel? Might our aggressive outbursts reflect a defensive pattern whereby we hide more tender parts of ourselves?

Criticism and contempt have been identified by researcher John Gottman as reliable predictors of relationship distress and divorce. If we have a pattern of lashing out in anger when we don’t get our way, we may insist that we want to be accepted for that. But how might you feel if your partner lashed out unpredictably, perhaps when you’re feeling most vulnerable? Even a saint would have difficulty experiencing love during such moments. 

We may hide our true feelings because we don’t want to feel uncomfortably exposed. Consequently, our feelings may come out indirectly. Distancing from what is alive inside us may explain why we feel irritable, moody, or angry sometimes… It takes a quiet inner strength to expose what is vulnerably alive inside us. We can relate to others in a more direct, fulfilling way as we become mindful of what we’re really experiencing and show our true feelings and wants without misdirection, games, or shame about who we really are.

I have found Eugene Gendlin's research-based approach known as Focusing to be especially helpful in uncovering deeper feelings.

Dancing with a Difficult Partner

You want to be loved as you are? That’s understandable. You want to be accepted with your human flaws and limitations? Of course! It’s easier to garner compassion if your partner can trust that you’re making a sincere effort to become more aware of your true feelings and longings.

If you have a challenging partner, you might recognize their tendency to be reactive and critical. Your love might prompt you to explore this together rather than separate, which includes looking at your possible contribution to cycles of conflict. But it would be unrealistic to practice unconditional love in the sense of accepting hurtful behaviors without voicing how they affect you and asserting that it’s not okay to be treated this way. This would be self-neglect, not unconditional love. In some situations, it might be easier to love unconditionally from a distance rather than remain in a partnership that is destructive.

If your partner pleads with you to seek help through couples therapy, you might want to consider it. Perhaps see this as an invitation to uncover and reveal more of who you really are—and to learn how to do so together in a constructive way. It’s difficult to see ourselves and our interactional dynamics clearly without reflections back from a wise, caring guide. I have found the research-based approach of Emotionally Focused Therapy  for couples (developed by Dr. Sue Johnson ) to be particularly beneficial. As the sage Rumi suggested, “Without a guide it will take you two hundred years for a journey of two years.”

Mutuality

Children need our unconditional love. But mature love is nourished through mutuality. Just as our garden needs ample sunshine and watering, we are sustained by respect, understanding, and nurturing.

John Amodeo, Ph.D., MFT, is author of the award-winning book, Dancing with Fire: A Mindful Way to Loving Relationships  

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