Written by:
We long for
acceptance, love, and connection. But oftentimes we don't know how to create
it. We may push away the love we long for.
Love and
intimacy don't blossom by trying to pull it toward us or manipulating people.
Connections thrive as we create a climate that's conducive for them. Love and
intimacy have a greater opportunity to grow as we cultivate a climate of
authenticity.
Being
authentic in relationships is easier said than done. It requires that we tend
closely to our actual felt experience. Rather than defend and protect
ourselves, it means finding the courage to allow ourselves to be vulnerable and
then show that to a person we want to be close to.
Dr. Eugene
Gendlin, whose research led to the innovative approach known as
"Focusing," ( see http://www.holisticcounsel.com/focusing/
for more information) found that clients who made the most progress in
psychotherapy (despite the orientation of the therapist) were those who were
contacting and speaking from their actual felt experience. They paused,
stammered, and groped for words or images to describe their deeper experience
rather than just talking from their heads. Things shifted and opened up as they
stayed with their authentic experience from moment to moment.
Apply this
principle to relationships: When we share what we're experiencing with each
other, intimacy is more likely to arise. Dr. Sue Johnson, the primary developer
of Emotionally Focused Therapy for couples (EFT), invites couples to contact
and share what they're really feeling and wanting -- and she helps clients find
the words to convey this. Through the power of such authenticity, conflict
often yields to deeper connections.
Couples may
enter my office complaining that they're having a communication problem.
Although there is often truth in this, more fundamentally, they are usually
having a self-awareness problem. They are in touch with their anger, their
blame, and their perceptions about their partner (they're selfish, insensitive,
or bad), but they're not connected to the tender feelings and longings beneath
their criticisms and accusations. And they're not skilled at communicating
their authentic experience in a sensitive, respectful way.
Blaming and
analyzing others pushes them away. It doesn’t create the safety necessary for
deep communication. It covers up what they're actually experiencing, which is
usually something more vulnerable, such as sadness, fear, or shame -- or a
longing to connect in a deeper way. Finding the courage to contact and convey
this deeper experience, perhaps with the help of a couples therapist when
necessary, is a key to resolving conflicts and creating a climate for a richer,
more vibrant intimacy.
There are
layers to our authentic experience. Being authentic means taking the elevator
down inside ourselves and noticing whatever we happen to be experiencing right
now. It may change from moment to moment.
For example,
we might be authentically feeling anger. As we stay gently present with that
rather than act it out, it might shift into something else. We might notice
sadness beneath the anger, or an unmet need for kindness and closeness. If we
can be patient with ourselves -- allowing the time necessary to uncover what most authentically lives within us -- we can then share that, which might
invite our partner toward us and create a richer, more fulfilling intimacy.
Feel free to forward this to anyone you think might be interested
