I FEEL VULNERABE IF I EXPRESS MY EMOTIONS: So I don’t.

When people feel vulnerable, they hold back.  In relationships, this is the kiss of death.



As people, we are emotional beings, whether we like to admit it or not.  Male and female alike.  If we choose to hold back from expressing our feelings, then we are certain to endanger our relationship with our loved ones, family and friends.  We pay a heavy toll when we choose to do this.



Why Do We Fear Being Vulnerable?

In some cases, we believe, without a doubt, that we would be putting ourselves in a position of weakness, be defenseless and susceptible to a seriously, negative response.   We would be exposing ourselves to be a target of ridicule or attack.   It’s equal to losing control and putting ourselves at the mercy of someone else.  And there’s nothing comfortable about that!  So we earnestly avoid doing it, as if our lives depend upon it.

Where Did This Fear Come From?

Fear is a feeling of danger which invokes a fight or flight response.  When we are dealing with emotions, we usually choose to take flight!  Time and time again, this fear is traced back to when we were being raised as children.  For example, did you ever hear, or were you ever told:

·         ‘men don’t cry’

·         ‘girls cry at the drop of a hat’

·         Showing feelings is a sign of weakness

·         ‘Be a man’

·         ‘Suck it up’

·         ‘crying is for sissies’

·         ‘Be strong’

Or when we tried to explain our side of the story, expressing our feelings (and yes, being vulnerable), it wasn’t received well?  Were you punished? Made fun of? Or told you needed to ‘toughen-up’.  Remember, you were a child here.  You were learning the rules of life.  How to please adults.  How to conduct ourselves in our environment so that we received praise, not ridicule.  We were indoctrinated with the experiences, therefore the rules, of those influential in our life.   Right or wrong, as a child, we were absorbing the behavior and rules of those around us to survive. 



Here’s the Good News!

You’re not a child anymore, so ask yourself “do those rules serve me well now?”  Not likely.  So can you do anything to change them?  Absolutely!

Change the Rules!  You have the Power!

To show someone that you are vulnerable is actually a sign of strength.   It shows that you are comfortable with who you are.  That you have control over your thoughts and actions.  You are exhibiting self-confidence. 



As in any situation you are in, there is a possibility of rejection or a negative response but that doesn’t stop us from trying, does it? No!  We go to the job interviews, approach someone we are attracted to, try new things, meet new people.  We are vulnerable in all these situations.  But we don’t attach anything negative to ourselves for trying and possibly failing.  We accept the outcome whether they are negative or positive.  We believe we did our best.  If we are rejected, our sense of being is still intact (although perhaps a little bruised!) but we quickly get over it.  We shake off the negative feeling, chalk it up to experience and move on to the next adventure.  We’re okay.  This is proof that we are capable of being vulnerable and still maintain control.   It’s all good.  It’s all positive.



So try this:  look at your current relationship and ask yourself what are you holding back from expressing or showing?  What are the problematic topics you are avoiding?  Now ask yourself ‘why am I avoiding them?’  Is your reason based on fact?  Or is it just an unfounded belief? 



Psychotherapy Can Help

In my practice, I have helped many people overcome their fear of being vulnerable.  It begins with identifying where the fear originated, and then replacing them with positive beliefs building up your confident.  Because these emotions are deeply rooted, guidance is usually necessary to help you overcome your fear.  Together we will be on this journey. 

The Power of Authenticity to Create Intimacy

  Written by:

 John Amodeo, PhD  Author of Dancing with Fire: A Mindful Way to Loving Relationships

We long for acceptance, love, and connection. But oftentimes we don't know how to create it. We may push away the love we long for.

Love and intimacy don't blossom by trying to pull it toward us or manipulating people. Connections thrive as we create a climate that's conducive for them. Love and intimacy have a greater opportunity to grow as we cultivate a climate of authenticity.

Being authentic in relationships is easier said than done. It requires that we tend closely to our actual felt experience. Rather than defend and protect ourselves, it means finding the courage to allow ourselves to be vulnerable and then show that to a person we want to be close to.

Dr. Eugene Gendlin, whose research led to the innovative approach known as "Focusing," ( see http://www.holisticcounsel.com/focusing/ for more information) found that clients who made the most progress in psychotherapy (despite the orientation of the therapist) were those who were contacting and speaking from their actual felt experience. They paused, stammered, and groped for words or images to describe their deeper experience rather than just talking from their heads. Things shifted and opened up as they stayed with their authentic experience from moment to moment.

Apply this principle to relationships: When we share what we're experiencing with each other, intimacy is more likely to arise. Dr. Sue Johnson, the primary developer of Emotionally Focused Therapy for couples (EFT), invites couples to contact and share what they're really feeling and wanting -- and she helps clients find the words to convey this. Through the power of such authenticity, conflict often yields to deeper connections.

Couples may enter my office complaining that they're having a communication problem. Although there is often truth in this, more fundamentally, they are usually having a self-awareness problem. They are in touch with their anger, their blame, and their perceptions about their partner (they're selfish, insensitive, or bad), but they're not connected to the tender feelings and longings beneath their criticisms and accusations. And they're not skilled at communicating their authentic experience in a sensitive, respectful way.

Blaming and analyzing others pushes them away. It doesn’t create the safety necessary for deep communication. It covers up what they're actually experiencing, which is usually something more vulnerable, such as sadness, fear, or shame -- or a longing to connect in a deeper way. Finding the courage to contact and convey this deeper experience, perhaps with the help of a couples therapist when necessary, is a key to resolving conflicts and creating a climate for a richer, more vibrant intimacy.

There are layers to our authentic experience. Being authentic means taking the elevator down inside ourselves and noticing whatever we happen to be experiencing right now. It may change from moment to moment.

For example, we might be authentically feeling anger. As we stay gently present with that rather than act it out, it might shift into something else. We might notice sadness beneath the anger, or an unmet need for kindness and closeness. If we can be patient with ourselves -- allowing the time necessary to uncover what most authentically lives within us -- we can then share that, which might invite our partner toward us and create a richer, more fulfilling intimacy.

Feel free to forward this to anyone you think might be interested

What Every Couple Should Know about Emotions

by Les Greenberg

Emotions are what relationships are really about.

Emotions are the glue that make people stick together and that bring us all the positive feelings that make us want to spend time together. They give us the spark of passion, the comfort of belonging, the pride of feeling special, and the enjoyment of feeling known and understood.

Unfortunately, emotions are also what make relationships difficult. They can overwhelm us, they can shut us down, and they can make us say and do things that give us a sense of being out of control.

A relationship can bring out the best and can bring out the worst in our human nature. They can lead a president to risk his reputation for a night of passion, and a football player to murder his wife out of jealousy and anger.

No wonder then that many people have an ambivalent relationship with their emotions: They both fear them and like them.

But no matter what your opinion is, it is clear that you need to learn how to understand your emotions and know what to do with them in order to be successful in your relationships with others.

The Fundamental Thing You Need to Know about Emotions:

One thing that was really helpful to me when I first started to study how emotions really work was the distinction made between primary emotions and secondary emotions. This distinction helped me understand my own emotional reactions much better and it has become one of the key principles of the many forms of emotion focused therapies that are currently being used to help individuals and couples.

Once you understand this distinction, you will have one of the most important tools at your disposal to turn negative interactions in your relationship around.

Primary Emotions and Secondary Emotions:

A primary emotion is the first emotion we feel in response to a particular event in our environment. If we wanted to state it simply they refer to how we really feel.

In many situations, however, our primary emotions get covered over by secondary reactions to our primary emotions.

If I feel hurt or sad about my partner saying that he prefers to spend a night on the town with his guy friends, rather than a relaxing night at home with me, I might have an emotional reaction to feeling sad or hurt.

I might for example feel guilty because I don’t think I should need anyone and have learned that I should never prioritize my own needs over those of others.  However, I could also feel embarrassed or ashamed because I believe it is pathetic and weak for me let someone else have this kind of sway over me.

Another possibility would be that I feel angry that my partner does not want to hang out with me and get resentful because I do not want to feel pushed aside and demand to be a higher priority than his friends. All of these secondary reactions to my primary emotions transform this emotion into something else than what it initially was.

Secondary Emotions Distort How We Really Feel:

If I feel guilty about wanting more of my partner’s time and attention, I can then no longer express my sadness at not having my need met. The guilt blocks me from expressing my sadness. It may also block me from even admitting to myself that I feel sad, and so I may not even have the ability to comfort myself and deal with my sense of loss or disappointment on my own. Because the primary feeling gets blocked by the secondary feeling, I end up distorting my own original experience. This means that the original emotion cannot be resolved and can no longer be used to guide my actions. 

My primary emotion goes underground, and instead gets replaced by my secondary emotion, which may now lead to a quite different reaction. Instead of saying “it kind of hurt my feelings when I think you would rather spend time with others than with me”, I now instead end up withdrawing emotionally (guilt: I should not express my needs, I don’t deserve to have my needs met), or reacting with anger (I don’t deserve to be treated this way)

Les Greenberg, is a professor emeritus of psychology at York University in Toronto, Canada and also director of the Emotion-Focused Therapy Clinic in Toronto

FEELING ABANDONED?

It is human nature to feel a sense of attachment with primary figures, e.g. parents and/or grandparents.   If this does not happen during childhood, then it becomes more difficult to have a secure, fulfilling relationship as an adult.  That’s where relationships hit a brick wall.

Some of the physical and emotional aspects of abandonment are: no appetite, light sleeping, anxiety, etc…. In order to heal yourself from deep abandonment feelings, whether it is from childhood or adult trauma, it is not necessary to remember the incidence, just to deal with the feelings.

The way I work with this issue is by first getting in touch with the feelings of the small abandoned child through a Focusing exercise (guided visualization).  This child is the part of you that usually has the feelings of insecurity, worry, aching for kindness, acceptance and approval.

After that, visualize the adult part as the strong and capable part.  Think of when you have felt the most successful and competent.  Then have the 2 parts communicate with each other.  The adult’s role is to parent/adopt the child and give him/her what she needs: acceptance, love, admiration, a sense of being heard, and a person to turn for help. The child’s role is to share her/his feelings and help the adult understand them.

It always amazed me, as a therapist, how powerful the Focusing exercise is for all my clients.  There are often tears of relief and love for oneself.  I see the change in their face at the end of a session, as if a great burden is lifted off their shoulders.  For individual therapy, this is a very powerful tool in my practice which is gratifying for both the client and me.