From Chaos to Calm Part 1

 

Carrie Demers, MD

August 19, 2019

Remember the tale “The Lady or the Tiger?” As it ends, the hero is standing before two identical doors: one conceals a beautiful maiden; the other, a ferocious tiger. He must open one of the doors—the choice is his—but he has no way of knowing which will bring forth the lady and which will unleash the tiger.

I am sometimes reminded of this story when a patient is describing one of the symptoms of chronic stress: headaches, indigestion, ulcers, tight muscles, high blood pressure, or some combination of these. When I point out that the symptom is stress-related, the patient seems resigned—stress is such a constant in most people’s lives that all the doors seem to have tigers lurking behind them. Most people who find their way to my office know the fight-or-flight response is hardwired into our nervous system, and many have come to accept a constant feeling of tension as normal, even inevitable.

Like the hero in the story, we have a choice.

It isn’t. Like the hero in the story, we have a choice. There is another response to the challenges of everyday living—another door—also hardwired into our nervous system. And unlike the hero, whose destiny rests with chance, we can discover which door is which. A general understanding of how the nervous system responds to stress, coupled with training in three simple techniques, makes it possible for us to distinguish one door from the other. Practicing these techniques gives us the power to open the lady’s door while keeping the tiger’s door firmly closed.

Unleashing the Tiger

The autonomic nervous system controls the body’s involuntary processes: respiratory rate, heart rate, blood pressure, gastric juice secretion, peristalsis, body temperature, and so on. It has two main branches: sympathetic and parasympathetic. When we feel stressed, our brain activates the sympathetic nervous system—the fight-or-flight response we’ve all heard so much about. This response causes the adrenal medulla to secrete adrenaline, a hormone that circulates in the bloodstream affecting almost every organ.

Adrenaline revs up the body to survive a threat to life and limb: The heart pumps faster and harder, causing blood pressure to spike and respiration to increase and move primarily into the chest. Airways dilate to bring more oxygen into the body; blood sugar rises to provide a ready supply of fuel; some blood vessels constrict to shunt blood away from the skin and the core of the body, while others dilate to bring more blood to the brain and limbs.

The result? A body pumped up to fight or run and a hyper-alert mind. When we find ourselves face-to-face with a tiger, this stress response dramatically increases our chances of surviving. Once the threat has passed, our sympathetic nervous system calms down and homeostasis is re-established.

We need mild sympathetic nervous system stimulation to get us out of bed in the morning, to focus, to plan. We need a bit more to speak or perform in front of a group, for example, but we need it at full throttle only to meet a life-threatening situation. The problem is that many of us have lost our capacity to regulate our fight-or-flight reaction, and full-throttle activation is almost constant. The source of our stress is psychological rather than physical—a perception that something crucial to us is threatened. We worry about the future, our jobs, our relationships, our finances, or getting stuck in traffic, but even though the perceived threat is psychological, it triggers the archaic survival response.

We find ourselves in a constant state of tension.

The upshot? We find ourselves in a constant state of tension, poised to fight or flee, with stress hormones washing through our bodies almost continuously. You can see the consequence if you consider what happens when adrenaline floods the body: elevated blood pressure, rapid shallow breathing, high blood sugar, and indigestion. Adrenaline makes our platelets stickier, so our blood will clot quickly if we are wounded, which increases our chances of surviving a physical injury. However, chronically sticky platelets are apt to clot and create blockages in our arteries, thus setting the stage for a heart attack or stroke.

The damage doesn’t end there. When we are constantly in fight-or-flight mode, the adrenal cortex secretes cortisol, a steroid whose job is to help us adapt to a prolonged emergency by ensuring that we have enough fuel. Cortisol acts on the liver and muscle tissues, causing them to synthesize sugars (glucose) and fats and release them into the bloodstream. Excess sugar in the bloodstream leads to diabetes, and excess fat to high cholesterol/high triglycerides. Both conditions boost our chances of developing heart disease. Cortisol has been the focus of a lot of research on stress in the last decade and is now linked to multiple disease states including insulin resistance and diabetes, osteoporosis, thyroid dysfunction, and even memory loss.

Sounds grim, doesn’t it? It is. A chronically activated sympathetic nervous system keeps the body under constant pressure. If we ignore the early warning symptoms—tight shoulders, digestive upset, recurring headaches, a tendency to lose our temper or become easily upset—sooner or later the tiger will tear us up.

Rather than living under the tyranny of a ramped-up sympathetic nervous system, we can learn to trigger the parasympathetic system instead—the rest-and-digest response. Just as the fight-or-flight response automatically kicks in when danger threatens, the rest-and-digest response automatically responds to our sense of equilibrium. When it is activated, our heart rate drops, our blood pressure falls, and our respiration slows and deepens. Blood flow to the core of the body is re established—this promotes good digestion, supports the immune system, and infuses us with a sense of well-being.

We enter this state unconsciously when we’re enjoying a vacation, in the throes of a hearty laugh, or in deep sleep. It feels good, and it offers a much-needed respite from the hectic pace we set for ourselves. But, unfortunately, we have come to accept stress as the norm and to expect the feeling of relaxed well-being to come about only sporadically—and so it does. We release the tiger a dozen times a day, even though the other door is also there in every moment. Once we learn to open it at will, we can override the harmful habit of triggering our stress response, by activating the rest-and-digest component of our nervous system instead.

Meeting the Lady

I use a variety of natural therapies in my medical practice to minimize chronic stress. The three that are simplest and most accessible are exercise, diaphragmatic breathing, and relaxation. Exercise generally loosens physical tension and dissipates the pent-up energy that the stress response fosters. Deep breathing and systematic relaxation nourish and strengthen the parasympathetic nervous system, so that the rest-and-digest response is activated and in time becomes our normal mode. With that in mind, let’s look at some ways we can open Door Number Two.

... to be continued

Helpful Ways To Manage Stress And Avoid Burnout

 

"Believe in yourself, trust your gut and surround yourself with resilient people who inspire you to be better."

Monique Hicks

Maybe you have a colleague or a family member who remains calm no matter what. Even in the face of persistent and overwhelming stress, they somehow manage to keep their stress under control. What gives? According to the "Leading Through Burnout" study, it comes down to one thing: emotional intelligence (EI).

Kandi Wiens, Ed.D., an executive coach, national speaker and organizational change consultant, and Annie McKee, the director of the PennCLO Executive Doctoral Program, say that EI supports superior coping abilities and helps people deal with chronic stress and prevent burnout. 

In this issue, we share advice from Dr. Wiens and McKee on how to better manage stress and avoid burnout.

Don't be the source of your stress. Too many of us create our own stress, with its full bodily response, merely by thinking about or anticipating future episodes or encounters that might be stressful, say Dr. Wiens and McKee. People who have a high need to achieve or perfectionist tendencies may be more prone to creating their own stress. Dr. Wiens and McKee found in their research that leaders who are attuned to the pressures they put on themselves are better able to control their stress level.

Recognize your limitations. Becoming more aware of your strengths and weaknesses will clue you in to where you need help. In their study, Dr. Wiens and McKee discovered that those who recognized when demands were outweighing their abilities didn't go it alone—they surrounded themselves with trusted advisors and asked for help.

Take deep breaths. When you feel your tension and anxiety rapidly rising, take a moment to breathe. Mindfulness practices help us deal with immediate stressors and long-term difficulties. Practicing mindfulness allows you to be more open to other solutions so you don't have to waste time in defense mode. Heightening your awareness of your breathing may be difficult at first, note Dr. Wiens and McKee, but remember that attention is the ultimate act of self-control.

Re-evaluate your perspective of the situation. While you can't change what's happening in the world right now, it helps to change your perspective. When you shift your mindset, you might see that what once felt like stress is a problem you want to solve.

Try putting yourself in the other person's shoes. Dr. Wiens and McKee say that the stress from conflicts often leads to burnout so it's best to deescalate conflicts when you can. Be inquisitive, ask questions and listen deeply. Keep your attention to the other person and focus on what he is trying to tell you. By seeking to understand his perspective, you'll be in a much better position to gain his trust and influence him.

By working to improve your emotional intelligence, you can make significant strides in preventing burnout. Remember that improving EI takes time, so be patient with yourself.

 

Compiled by Audrey Sellers

Source: Kandi Wiens, Ed.D. is an executive coach, national speaker and organizational change consultant. Annie McKee is the director of the PennCLO Executive Doctoral Program. She is also the author of How to Be Happy at Work and a coauthor of Primal Leadership, Resonant Leadership and Becoming a Resonant Leader.

How to Ease the Holiday Blues

“I think there must be something wrong with me, Linus. Christmas is coming but I’m not happy. I don’t feel the way I’m supposed to feel.” – Charlie Brown in A Charlie Brown Christmas

Charlie Brown immortalized the uncanny dissonance of the holiday blues in this classic Christmas tale. I first heard about the holiday blues when I was working at a psychiatric hospital in Cambridge and my colleague said to me in September: “These beds will all be full by the beginning of December”. I thought it was strange that at a time centered around happiness, fellowship, harmony and family, people find themselves lonely, sad, depressed — even suicidal. Clearly, the holidays are laden with expectations – expectations that have been built upon a foundation of years of nostalgia or, alternately, disappointment.

While some of us look forward to the holidays, others dread the impending stress that comes from overdrinking, overeating and over consuming. Many of us remember those who are no longer with us — family members who have passed, marriages that ended, and relationships that have been severed. Holidays propel us back into old family conflicts which faithfully resurface each year, which can deepen our sadness and unease.

Here are some ways you can lighten your expectations and ease the holiday blues. They are a holiday offering for you. Pick and choose as you like, rather than another dreaded list of to-do’s that you must get done by the year’s end.

Reassess your priorities

As the year closes, we feel pulled by an array of demands: attending office parties, cooking elaborate meals, traveling and spending beyond our means. What would actually bring you the most pleasure this holiday? Make a list of your holiday “shoulds”. Get inspired by Ellen Burstyn’s “should-less” days. See if you can cross off at least two or three items from your list.

Then, make a new list – of things that will bring you meaning and pleasure. How can these two lists be combined? For instance, if you want to reconnect with old friends but you are planning to cook a complicated meal to impress them, what if everyone brought a dish, instead? Collaborate with family and friends by letting them know how you feel about the holidays – you may be surprised to find they feel the same way – and together, find creative ways to ease holiday anxiety.

Give to those who need it most

The old adage is true: there is nothing that makes you feel less alone and less unworthy than to help others. For years, when my children were young, we would volunteer in a soup kitchen on Christmas day. The holidays offer so many opportunities to give to the community. And you will find that your act of altruism has the benefit of making you feel better, while also creating a sense of meaning that cuts through the superficialities of the holiday season. Here’s a list of possibilities for helping others in Toronto, or to find opportunities in your area, a quick internet search should lead you in the right direction.

Surround yourself with your family of choice

Many of us do not spend the holidays with those that we love the most. What I seek in the holidays is gathering, conviviality and warmth – a beating back against the cold through the fellowship of others. Create a place where you can be with those who accept you, free from judgment and awkward political conversations. If you feel isolated, far from your family, have a gathering of “the exiled and orphans.” This kind of fellowship brings great solace during the holidays.

Find some time for spiritual introspection

When I lived in Jerusalem, despite being Jewish, every year I would pick a different church to attend midnight mass. Regardless of your religion, being in a room where songs are sung, candles are lit and humans gather together can be uplifting, helping you to shift your focus from doing to simply being.

How are you handling the holidays this season? I’d love to hear from you
ganga@holisticcounsel.com

Couples Therapy

Ever tell your partner to"'grow up!"? Just can't get a sentence finished before they rudely interrupt? You can feel your blood pressure rising. Your heart's racing. You tell yourself,"enough is enough- I've had it " You are just trying to explain yourself and your partner appears to be going "crazy"! The
proverbial gloves come off and a shouting match begins. As usual there are no winners. You can cut the tension in the room with a knife, it's so bad. Whose turn will it be on the couch tonight? All this stress just from trying to have a conversation! It's become unbearable.

Well, you both were certainly communicating. The problem is, it was negative. It became destructive. From experience you know it will just keep repeating itself unless something seriously changes - what is a person supposed to do?

Step back and let me bring you both to a time when being together was all you ever wanted to do.  I know right at this moment that's hard to believe, perhaps you are not even sure that's what you want.

You've come this far, let me help you. My position is neutral. My environment is safe and secure and I respect both of your opinions. Let's work together and I'll help you recapture the love and intimacy you once shared  You will learn how to communicate positively, respectfully and constructively, only now it will be deeper because you'll both use the tools I'll teach you. You'll learn the art of listening, to be heard and to understand your partner.

Stop Obsessing: My Five Suggestions

Have you ever found yourself going over and over the same issue in your mind? It can feel like a train going downhill with no brakes on. You can’t seem to gain control of yourself.

1. Focus on the lesson learned. Every situation we go through has the potential to teach us something. Think about what you are obsessing about and see how to use it to improve yourself. For example, if you are ruminating about a mistake you made at work, think about steps you can take to make sure the same mistake doesn’t happen again. By looking at how you can improve, you begin to focus on the positive aspect of the situation rather than the negative.

2. Use a journal. Writing down your thoughts, especially about events that have not yet happened, can help you gain control over your ruminations.

3. Write down pleasant thoughts. Sometimes your thoughts need specific direction. You may list things like an upcoming vacation, going out to dinner with your partner. Make sure your list includes situations you are looking forward to or pleasant memories.

4. Behavioral techniques. For some people, snapping a rubber band on your wrist every time you have an obsessive thought may help.

5. Talk about your worries with a trusted friend or relative. Often, when we talk it out, we can begin to see it from a different perspective. This can help you find options for solving your problem.

However, if your obsessive thoughts are interfering with your daily life, it may be time to talk with a professional therapist.

Unconditional Happiness

Feelings are so important to us because we base our sense of happiness on our feelings.

We think we have to achieve something, acquire something or be in a certain relationship in order to be happy. Actually, we don’t need any of these things to be happy. We just need to approach our feelings in a certain way to experience a sense of happiness unrelated to achievement, possession or relationships. That’s called: Unconditional Happiness.

In today’s society there seems to be a huge gap: we are intellectually advanced, but emotionally unaware. The goal of unconditional happiness is to create a balance between intellect and emotion, thinking and feeling, reason and intuition.

Have you noticed that you may have strong negative feelings that you can’t seem to resolve, like: depression, loneliness, anxiety, etc…. You may also be experiencing active emotions such as: anger, jealousy, fear, which erupt from time to time, especially in intimate relationships, where our buttons get pushed the most.

Most of us are locked into fixed, limiting patterns that we find difficult to get out of. Until we release the feelings associated with these patterns, we will be unable to change. For example: Negative feelings cause stress and stress is merely a negative emotion we are unable to release. This does not mean that we can be stress-free all the time. Even in our most positive relationships, we will from time to time experience periods of loneliness.

When we resist an experience, that negative energy gets trapped and held in our emotional and physical body. This in turn leads to suppression. A suppressed emotion goes into the subconscious, and creates a body of unresolved feelings and emotions, waiting to be released. The problem with suppressed emotions is: if we don’t consciously release the feelings, they will start coloring our experience, making us react in unreasonable and destructive ways. Often we blame the other person for our feelings because we are not aware that our own unresolved issues are being triggered.

What is the solution? Not to resist those negative feelings, but to allow yourself to experience them. Know that when you allow yourself to feel the feelings, they will come to a completion and you can then be free of them.

Are You Body Conscious or Soul Conscious?

Body consciousness concentrates on materialism, arrogance, greed and violence. It compels you to lay blame and criticize others in order to create the illusion of being okay. Your life is random and undisciplined. You take uncalculated risks, lose your sense of self, live in a state of denial, and reject the voice of your conscience. You get bored with yourself and others. You cry out for love, but can’t recognize it. You get drawn into temptations and emptiness. When body consciousness takes over, you forget who you are and become as the other wants you to be. Your conscience has stopped functioning and you allow unhealthy relationships to occur. Your energy gets drained and your happiness has been robbed. This type of consciousness undermines you and sees no way out of dilemmas. It raises excuses: “I had to because….I could not because ….”, until you are paralyzed and unable to cope.

Soul consciousness means to come to terms with all aspects of your self. To become neutral in the face of good and bad, and focus on your original qualities of purity, peace, power and love. Soul consciousness means to become still and melt away the negativity that presses upon the mind. It makes your intuition sharp and accurate, has meaning and signals you forward. You don’t accept sorrow. Some one may say something hurtful and you immediately rise into your power of tolerance. The electric bolt passes right through you; it does not lodge into your heart.

If you desire to move from body to soul consciousness, you need a set of tools like inner power and attitudes. Ask yourself: what did I do to myself? What was done to me? Put it into perspective; see the origin, emergence and dissolution of all that is happening. Discern the pattern and adjust. Give yourself enough distance to judge accurately through self-examining what reveals the true nature of your motivations.

By changing from body to soul consciousness, you become calm, balanced, centered and beyond storms. Nothing can break your harmony; you are fully integrated in your perfect state of physical and emotional balance.

The Psychology Behind Meditation

One of the simplest definitions of meditation is 'the correct use of the mind'. The aim isn't to deny our thoughts, but to become aware of our mind, gain mastery over our mental activity and generate the highest quality thoughts. With practice, we will be able to slow down our minds and enter the inner space within our consciousness.

People learn to meditate for a variety of reasons. Some desire inner peace, others use it as a part of their quest for truth and understanding, and for some it is the hope of discovering the holy grail of happiness. Meditation is a spiritual, mental, and emotional healing process, with proven benefits to our physical well-being.

The main benefits of meditation are: improved levels of contentment, concentration, creativity and communication.

Surrounded by a highly charged, constantly changing world, we may find it difficult to maintain our attention span for any length of time. When we take the time to explore the real cause of stress, we would find distorted thinking leads to various emotions that we find stressful. Stress and tiredness is a modern disease. If we acknowledge that negative thoughts and stresses are not normal parts of a fulfilling life, than we can reap many rewards from the regular practice of meditation. It helps to balance our physical energies, which allows the body to function more effectively, while improving its ability its heal itself.

The physical benefits of meditation are: reduced blood pressure, increased vitality, better sleep patterns and greater pain control.

Meditation helps us gradually increase self-awareness and awaken who we really are. It is a journey through which we rediscover our natural resources of peace, power and love.

Be in the World, Not of the World

In an attempt to find happiness, we often tend to increase the complexity of our lives to a point of no return. For example: BlackBerries, iPods, Facebook, Twitter, cell phones etc…keep us occupied almost all day (and night).

We seem to be relying on outer stimuli to have some meaning in life, to find some importance in ourselves, to fill the emptiness within. As if, without the outside stimuli, the silence would be deafening to us.

Is there a fear that if we are on our own, without the outer stimuli, that we may be forced to get our inner stimuli going? Fear to look within of what we may or may not find? Fear of knowing your inner self is quite natural; often we think that there are “monsters” hidden in there, because we may not have positive feelings about ourselves.

We can take ourselves gently by the hand and find a peaceful place within, where we can make some space to experience our true inner beauty. You can try to see yourself as a little vulnerable, innocent child. Now you can, as the grown up and wise adult embrace and comfort the child and give it all the love it needs. Getting to know your true self is what may give you inner peace.

As a therapist, I guide people to find their peaceful place and from there to discover what is standing in their way to overcome their "blocks".