Eight Ways To Stay Connected During Social Distancing

 

"The only courage that matters is the kind that gets you from one moment to the next."

Mignon McLaughlin

 

In these days of COVID-19, social distancing is critical. To help prevent the virus from spreading further, everyone must do their part to avoid physical contact with others. While you need to adjust your normal routine, writer Jamie Friedlander says you can still stay connected to others during this time of isolation. 

In this issue of Promotional Consultant Today, we share Friedlander's guidance for staying connected to others.

1.    Talk to one friend each day. Be sure to reach out to one family member or friend every day. While GChat and texting are perfectly acceptable, Friedlander says it's even better to hear someone's voice on the phone or see them through FaceTime. "You don't need to meet anyone to feel connected," says Viktor Sander, a social psychology consultant with SocialPro. "It's all about reciprocally opening up to each other, sharing experiences and making the other person feel heard. And that's something you can do over the phone or internet."

2.    Send someone you love a handwritten letter. Grab a notecard you have lying around and send a handwritten note to a family member or friend on your mind. Not only will the letter brighten their day, but it'll likely spark a conversation once they receive it in the mail, says Friedlander. 

3.    Foster connection with those in your home. It's challenging being confined to our homes. To prevent the spread of COVID-19, we must avoid meeting friends for dinner or hanging out with co-workers at happy hours. Friedlander says it's easy to think of what we're missing out on, but we must also remember what we're gaining through this unexpected time at home. Take time to strengthen relationships with those in your home, whether you're spending time with your kids, a significant other or a roommate.

4.    Reach out to friends who have depression or anxiety. Social isolation is hard for everyone, but especially for those facing anxiety or depression. Friedlander recommends texting friends and family members to let them know you're thinking of them. Even if you don't get a response, don't stop reaching out. When it comes to your anxious friends, Friedlander says it's important to avoid talking about anything coronavirus-related that will worsen their anxiety.

5.    Have a family member read your child a bedtime book through FaceTime. If your children are used to more social interaction with family members and friends, Friedlander suggests having one of their grandparents, aunts or uncles read them a bedtime book from afar.

6.    Host a virtual watch party with friends. To keep your spirits up and stay connected from afar, try watching a show or movie with your friends. Through Netflix Party, you can stream a show at the same time as your friends. Then, do a group video chat once it's over to talk about it. If you're not in the mood to binge-watch a show, try hosting a virtual book club instead.

7.    Stream a class. For many, daily socialization involves not only chatting with co-workers and spending time with family and friends, but also heading to a barre class or a running club. Keep the socialization alive through a virtual class. Many fitness studios have begun offering remote exercise classes, so hop online and see what's available.

Social distancing and social isolation can feel uncomfortable, especially when you're used to being around lots of people in your day. Whether you're spending time in solitude or you're working while caring for your family at home, look for ways to reach out to others. Aim to do something each day that keeps you connected to the world outside.

 

Compiled by Audrey Sellers

Source: Jamie Friedlander is a freelance writer based in Chicago and the former features editor of SUCCESS magazine. Her work has been published in The Cut, VICE, Inc., The Chicago Tribune and Business Insider, among other publications.

IMPORTANT LESSONS YOUR ANGER CAN TEACH YOU Part2

The trick in expressing anger is thus neither to ignore it and become a doormat, or to use it to establish the dominance of your own needs. First you must examine the angry reaction you feel to understand what lies at its source.


Questions you might need to ask yourself are:


Does the situation justify my anger?


What might my anger be telling me about myself rather than about the other person?


Do I have my own vulnerabilities, or past hurts, that are being activated by what the other person said or did?


Does my reaction appear out of proportion to what happened, or does it appear to be an accurate response to some legitimate harm or violation?


If I let my anger sit a bit, and gain a little bit more perspective on my feeling, does the feeling subside?


If I contemplate not standing up for myself on this issue, will I be doing harm to myself?


If after this self-examination you still feel angry, it might be a sign that a conversation needs to be had, or that assertiveness on behalf of yourself is needed.


How to Express Your Anger:


If such a conversation about your needs and demands is to go well, and if the objective is to remain in a relationship with the person who did or said something that was harmful to your well-being or your sense of self, you might want to wait to talk about it until the intensity of the feeling has subsided enough that you are not in the throes of it.


Anger has a way of empowering you with a strength and conviction that can disempower and invalidate the other person. The objective of a conversation about your needs should not be to get back at the other person by elevating yourself and devaluing the other person, but to reveal some of the values or vulnerabilities that were undermined or injured by what the other person said or did. If this can be conveyed in a way that maintains the respect and dignity of the other person, they are more likely to respond non-defensively, and genuinely hear what your anger is really about.


If maintaining the relationship is not a priority because what has happened has crossed clear boundaries, and is making you question whether or not you even want to be in a relationship, then exposing your vulnerabilities may not be the way to go. You may then instead want to use the information from your anger to set a clear boundary, to walk away, or to otherwise prevent more violations from happening. In such instances you may indeed need the power that anger fills you with in order to not lose your courage or back down when your anger tells you you should take a stance.

So Where Does this Leave Us?


Anger is not inherently bad but helps to define us and what we want or need in opposition to that which threatens us or harms us. By having access to anger we have access to a sense of self and this allows us to live a life where we are more in control of our destiny and of what happens to us in life. However, at times our anger can indeed be an exaggerated response that originates in a fragile ego or an unreasonable set of expectations we impose on the world. In such situations we may need to make more room for others rather than make more room for ourselves.


So in the end we end up in the same place as Aristotles who wrote:


“Anyone can become angry. That is easy. But to be angry with the right person, to the right degree, at the right time, for the right purpose and in the right way—that is not easy”.


As with so many other of our feelings we both have to be careful not to shun them and be careful not to let them carry us away. We have to exercise control at times, but not so much control that we lose touch with what our feelings are telling us about what we need and who we are.


Written By:

Psychodynamic therapist, Dr. Rune Moelbak


About him: He is Rune Moelbak, Ph.D. a psychologist and couples therapist in Houston, Texas.

Loneliness leads to increased levels of the stress hormone cortisol, altered expression in immune cells, poorer immune function, higher blood pressure and an increased level of depression.

It depresses your immune system, just like depression. Long periods of isolation can lead to feelings of helplessness, just like depression.  It makes us wonder how many people are taking antidepressants when maybe all they need is a “secure attachment and a hug.”

John T, Cacioppo, is a Distinguished Professor at the University of Chicago, who is one of the founders of the new, interdisciplinary field of neuroscience which has used brain scans to examine the ways in which social isolation impacts our bodies and behaviour.  Together with science writer William Patrick, he presents a fascinating assessment of loneliness and the need of social connection.

The authors lay out the roots of loneliness in 3 sections:

1. The person’s individual genetically based level of vulnerability to social disconnection
2. The person’s ability to regulate the emotions connected with feeling isolated.
3. The person’s expectation of others.

These factors combine to influence stress levels, immune response, and negative cycles of self-defeating behaviour. The authors claim that loneliness can be dealt with by understanding our fears and reframing how we think about social situations.

As a psychotherapist, I help my clients deal with the underlying emotional issues that cause loneliness.

Today we see people reaching out to others through: Social media networking: Facebook, Twitter, Meet-up groups, etc…

The studies report that a sense of isolation or rejection disrupts not only our abilities, will power and perseverance, but also key cellular processes deep within the human body.

Cacioppo and Patrick also demonstrate how loneliness creates a loop that reinforces social anxiety, fear and other negative feelings.  According to the authors help can be given by rediscovering those positive, physiological sensations that come during the simplest moments of human contact.  But that means overcoming the fear and reaching out.

Lonely people feel a hunger.  The solution lies not in being fed, but in cooking for and enjoying a meal with others.

What matters is not the number of social interactions, but the degree to which these social interactions satisfy a person’s need for connection.

Just like losing weight is a matter of eating less and exercising , rather than cutting out carbohydrates and taking over the counter drugs, the same way you cannot come out of your shell by losing weight, getting a fashion makeover, or go on E-Harmony to meet Mr. or Ms. Right.

You are going to have to be nice to people, volunteer at a place of your liking, and stop the destructive thought patterns. 

Unconditional Happiness

Feelings are so important to us because we base our sense of happiness on our feelings.

We think we have to achieve something, acquire something or be in a certain relationship in order to be happy. Actually, we don’t need any of these things to be happy. We just need to approach our feelings in a certain way to experience a sense of happiness unrelated to achievement, possession or relationships. That’s called: Unconditional Happiness.

In today’s society there seems to be a huge gap: we are intellectually advanced, but emotionally unaware. The goal of unconditional happiness is to create a balance between intellect and emotion, thinking and feeling, reason and intuition.

Have you noticed that you may have strong negative feelings that you can’t seem to resolve, like: depression, loneliness, anxiety, etc…. You may also be experiencing active emotions such as: anger, jealousy, fear, which erupt from time to time, especially in intimate relationships, where our buttons get pushed the most.

Most of us are locked into fixed, limiting patterns that we find difficult to get out of. Until we release the feelings associated with these patterns, we will be unable to change. For example: Negative feelings cause stress and stress is merely a negative emotion we are unable to release. This does not mean that we can be stress-free all the time. Even in our most positive relationships, we will from time to time experience periods of loneliness.

When we resist an experience, that negative energy gets trapped and held in our emotional and physical body. This in turn leads to suppression. A suppressed emotion goes into the subconscious, and creates a body of unresolved feelings and emotions, waiting to be released. The problem with suppressed emotions is: if we don’t consciously release the feelings, they will start coloring our experience, making us react in unreasonable and destructive ways. Often we blame the other person for our feelings because we are not aware that our own unresolved issues are being triggered.

What is the solution? Not to resist those negative feelings, but to allow yourself to experience them. Know that when you allow yourself to feel the feelings, they will come to a completion and you can then be free of them.

The Psychology Behind Meditation

One of the simplest definitions of meditation is 'the correct use of the mind'. The aim isn't to deny our thoughts, but to become aware of our mind, gain mastery over our mental activity and generate the highest quality thoughts. With practice, we will be able to slow down our minds and enter the inner space within our consciousness.

People learn to meditate for a variety of reasons. Some desire inner peace, others use it as a part of their quest for truth and understanding, and for some it is the hope of discovering the holy grail of happiness. Meditation is a spiritual, mental, and emotional healing process, with proven benefits to our physical well-being.

The main benefits of meditation are: improved levels of contentment, concentration, creativity and communication.

Surrounded by a highly charged, constantly changing world, we may find it difficult to maintain our attention span for any length of time. When we take the time to explore the real cause of stress, we would find distorted thinking leads to various emotions that we find stressful. Stress and tiredness is a modern disease. If we acknowledge that negative thoughts and stresses are not normal parts of a fulfilling life, than we can reap many rewards from the regular practice of meditation. It helps to balance our physical energies, which allows the body to function more effectively, while improving its ability its heal itself.

The physical benefits of meditation are: reduced blood pressure, increased vitality, better sleep patterns and greater pain control.

Meditation helps us gradually increase self-awareness and awaken who we really are. It is a journey through which we rediscover our natural resources of peace, power and love.

How to Overcome Negative Thinking Through Psychotherapy

Picking up a newspaper or turning on a TV is all it takes to see all the negativity in our world. It is easy to become fixated on negative thoughts.

The negativity can be divided in 3 aspects.

1. world events

2. friends and family

3. ourselves

After the recent death of Osama Bin Laden, people were celebrating in the streets with champagne. Think what you like about Bin Laden, it is certainly a strange thing to celebrate the death of anyone so joyously. Add to this the obsession with seeing photos of his body, it makes for an extremely morbid state of being.

The recent earthquake in Japan, massive flooding in New Zealand, Missouri, and Manitoba, the list goes on. How can it not affect you in a profound way to see so much human suffering played out through the media? Especially now, as massive amounts of video and photos are broadcast on 24 hour news networks, making the violence and strife in our world more visible than ever.

When other people around you are negative, you can easily be drawn into their vibrations and react negatively. So not only can direct conflict cause stress, but strife between others in your social circle or family also causes harm to you. Also, serious impact can be made by someone in your life who is either extremely negative, or is unhealthy.

Last but not least, your own inner feelings of low self-worth, of guilt, anxiety, depression or anger, while all byproducts of the outer world and of your past, stand as the ultimate barricade trapping you in a cycle of negativity.

What can you do to navigate through all this negativity and come through smelling like a rose? Take the lotus flower for example, it sits on muddy water, but is not touched by it; it has a waxy substance on its petals and nothing can touch the surface, the dirt just rolls off.

While it is good to have a relationship with the events and people around you, it can become quite unhealthy to be completely at the mercy of circumstance. A layer of protection and confidence is necessary so that your inner purity and stability remain unaffected by outside influences. Otherwise, you no longer own your own feelings.

Regarding the world news: one strategy is simply to not listen to it all day long. To know what is happening, but not get engrossed in it; to balance your life with other positive thoughts and actions.

With people around you, it is so important to check your own emotions: are you criticizing the other person in your mind, do you think you are better than they are? If you do, realize that this is an action of your ego. Listen to the other person and hear their point of view, and appreciate their value, even if you don’t agree with them. You can't change or control others but you can change your attitude and response. Through your demeanor some form of communication may even arise. Allowing a build up of negativity destroys communication, and creates bigger problems which are difficult to sort out.

Overcoming negativity within oneself is often a big challenge. It is so easy to stop loving yourself when you judge, criticize or blame yourself for events in your life or even for the way you are (personality, appearance). However, whenever you notice these negative thoughts coming up, it’s important to stop them and focus on who you really are: a worthwhile person, who was born whole and complete, with qualities of purity, peace and love.

If you can spend some minutes in silence every day, focusing on these positive qualities, just letting your mind detach from all negative thoughts, then you can value who you truly are and move outside the cycle of negativity that pulled you down. Make sure that your words and actions reflect your self-esteem.

When we lack self-esteem, we seek it from the world outside, which is often denied. Only when you generate your own self-respect, can you earn respect from others. Being with positive thoughts makes wallowing in negative thoughts much less appealing. This has a great impact on you and the people around you.

Am I Depressed? Top 13 Symptoms of Depression

I often write about treatments of depression, anxiety, etc....but how do you even know it when you or your loved ones are depressed?

What follows are the somewhat ominously numbered thirteen top symptoms of depression, If you or a loved one is experiencing one or more of the below symptoms, then you may consider getting some help.

1. Loss of Appetite: Going the whole day without eating for a few days in a row or more than one day in a week.
2. Overeating: Eating unhealthy food whenever you are feeling anxious, upset, angry or after something bad happens.
3. Sleep Problems: Sleeping too much or too little. If you are sleeping more than 12 hour or less than 2 hours per day. You can alternate between these symptoms.
4. Lack of Energy: Running out of energy very early in the day. Feeling lethargic.
5. Low Self Esteem: Feeling that you are not worthwhile; believing that you are inferior physically or intellectually.
6. Loss of Motivation: Uncaring. Not motivated to take a shower or make a meal or care for your family.
7. Poor Concentration. Focusing on the present is difficult as anxious thoughts are invading your mind.
8. Feeling Hopeless: Writing off all possibilities and opportunities as doomed from the start.
9. Lack of Sex Drive: Disinterested in all intimate contact, especially sex.
10. Social Isolation: Pushing others away or feeling uncomfortable around people. It may feel that you need others but that you have no one you can turn to.
11. Irrational/Emotional Outbursts: Finding yourself getting angry or upset often. If this is happening regularly, then some of it is irrational or misdirected.
12. Disregarding Responsibility: Abandoning anything that causes stress, including people, your job, social responsibilities, etc...
13. Substance Abuse: Repetitive or overuse of alcohol, marijuana, prescription drugs, etc. Particularly as a way to cope.

In the past there was a stigma attached to depression and therapy. Now it's very common to seek help before it becomes more serious.

Do You Control Your Thoughts or Do Your Thoughts Control You?

Plato: "We can easily forgive a child who is is afraid of the dark, but the real tragedy of life is when adults are afraid of the light."

Negative thoughts are controlled by your emotions. A quick fix can be to repeat positive affirmations. Sometimes all that's necessary to change your thoughts is practice and repetition of healthier thinking.

Affirmations work like commands given to a computer. They influence how we perceive ourselves, other people, events and circumstances.

Here is how this works: The repeated words build mental images in the mind and focus us on positive, productive thoughts. Frequent repetitions are like adding drops of water to a bucket, changing our habits over time. The conscious mind, starts the process and then the subconscious mind takes charge. This means that the most frequent thoughts that pass through your mind, ultimately effect your life and your future.

Here are some examples of positive affirmations:

I seek people who love and nurture me

I am centered and balanced

I can change

I value and love myself exactly the way I am

While affirmations are a highly effective tool, for some people reciting affirmations, will not allow them to deal with the root issues and negative emotions. For those people I help them to feel the underlying feelings first and then transform into peaceful feelings through a process called Focusing. Next week I will go into detail on this exercise. In the meantime, you can read more about it on my website here.

How Can I be Happy? What is Happiness?

Why is happiness so difficult to hold on to? It seems like we are insatiable, anything that pleases us will eventually become stale. This can be a force for good, it pushes us to do more than rest on our laurels, to go out and succeed in life. There is a huge rush that comes with pursuing feelings of lust, ambition, hate, anger and jealousy; but with it life can become a series of conflicts and problems. It can be easy to lose heart.

You may think: "If have a house and wife/husband, I’ll be happy", only to discover that once you’ve achieved these, you are still dissatisfied after a while, feeling an emptiness within. A void threatening to swallow up everything around you. Lots of people try to fill this void up with their bad habits. Kirstie Alley fills it with food, Charlie Sheen tries to fill it with drugs.

When this desperate discomfort or dissatisfaction spills over into negative behavior, its usually the result of anxiety over a central problem that you are ignoring or completely unaware of.

Finding peace is not just having a few hours or days of tranquility by yourself, but finding a higher state of mind where you are in complete harmony with yourself. The secret here is to find and deal with the root of your real problems. If you have negative body issues for example, then binging on comfort foods will lead you into a vicious cycle, but by actively working to resolve those issues with your body image, you can learn to move past any negative behavior and adopt a healthier lifestyle.

Once you've developed better habits, those troubles that drove you to negative choices will no longer bother you. This can take time and commitment, but the end result is a longer, healthier, happier life.

True happiness is a state characterized by stability and contentedness. Learn to be comfortable with yourself and the world around you, accept that some things in life are beyond your control and find joy in things just as they are.

Do We Make Our Destiny?

Destiny is the past creating the present. You might say to yourself: “I'm just destined to be overweight/unhappy/victimized/destitute/alone forever”, but these are actually the results of life choices you've made. It's never too late to make a change.

Repeating poor actions without considering the consequences causes your body to develop unhealthy habits. However, you are not destined to be anything except what you’ve made of yourself through past and present actions. Many of these behaviors are reactions to past trauma and/or coping habits that don't address the issue.

Each morning when you wake up you make a plan that you never follow through on. Somehow you get overwhelmed, or at the end of the race, you find that you never really wanted the prize in the first place. It's time to breathe, take a look at your life, and see that you're on a course for self destruction. If you have stumbled and fallen you can always get up, dust yourself off and continue on a different path. No matter what your present state is, you can change through self control, discipline and altering the way you think.

There are many examples of great men and women who have overcome their personal demons. In his youth Mahatma Ghandi had tremendous anger management problems, prior to his renown as a pacifist, he was actually a very violent man. Terry Fox overcame amputation and mounting health concerns to run his marathon of hope. Usually those who achieve great things also suffer great failures, but they refuse to be trampled by them. You don't have to achieve your country's independence or run across the country on one leg; small steps can turn your life around.

And if you're still having trouble changing your thoughts, check back next week.

Live in the Light - From Depression to Expression

One of the several ways to overcome depression is by spending time helping others who are in a worse shape than you are.
When you feel empty, like you're at the bottom of the barrel, with nothing to give, dark and negative thoughts feed on themselves and you spiral downwards. At that level you may even think that there is no one out there who can help you. That fear is only justified if you don't have the desire to be helped.
If you reverse your thinking through the realization that there are people out there who are worse of than you are. Find them and help them. Here you are coming from a perspective of strength. Even if you don't feel like it, do it anyway! Just like going to the dentist.
You will find that just by the act of helping others, volunteering, you are starting a spiral upwards. Without having to share your story with anyone, you are now being appreciated for who you are and what you can do for others. The sense of gratitude that others may have for you can start a bud opening up, saying: what can I contribute to the world?
Volunteering eliminates fear, focuses your mind and gives you meaning. This in turn will make you feel worthwhile. From here you can start expanding your growth and after a while you will be ready to see someone (therapist) to explore where the darkness originates from and to dissolve it, so that you are able to live in the light.
Continued volunteering will give you a basis for self-esteem and positive energy from which you can explore your inner arena to become a stronger and wiser person, taking one more step towards living a more peaceful life.

Watching Our Thoughts

Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803 – 1882), one of the greatest philosophers of his time, has said: “A man is what he thinks all day long." A man's life is what his thoughts are made of. It is unfortunate that we have not realized the importance of our thoughts.

Our minds are like monkeys: always restless, always wandering and never idle. To exercise control over our thoughts, we must first learn to observe them. Have you noticed that your thoughts never stay on one subject for long? The more your mind is disturbed, the more fickle it becomes. However, being aware of this is the first step in the right direction. You will soon observe that most of our thoughts are concentrated on:

Anxiety about the past or future
Blaming others for our present state, or
Justifying what we have done
How strange that our mind is never in the present! The present is all there is, so be in it!

Renovation of Your Soul

When you feel that your world is falling apart because of:

1. Relationships destroyed
2. Finances in the pit
3. Health issues

That’s when you may need an overhaul of your life. When problems become overwhelming, then this a signal that major "repairs" of your soul need to be done, even a complete renovation.

First, sit back and ponder:

1. Where did things go wrong?
2. How do I overcome this?

At this time an inspection / introspection of your soul is needed.

It may be a good idea to sit quietly by yourself, close your eyes and focus your attention within, on your breath. Without judging yourself, look at the picture of your life and just observe what you see in a detached manner. Take some deep breaths. If you find yourself caught up in your emotions, re-direct your attention to your breath. Try to look at yourself with empathy and compassion and embrace the inner you, with all of your positives and negatives. Imagine the love you have for a small child (your child or grandchild) and transfer that love to the inner you. Feel a sense of unconditional love for the inner you.

When you have achieved a sense of calmness, then you are ready to start dealing with your issues one by one.