Why Men Stay Away from Therapy — and Why It’s Actually a Perfect Match

By Margarita Tartakovsky, M.S.

A man went to see psychologist Ryan Howes solely because his wife wanted him to. She wanted him to work on his communication and become more comfortable with intimacy. He wanted to be anywhere but there.

Many men feel this way about therapy.* And many men avoid it — even when they’re struggling and need it most. They often see attending therapy as a “sign of weakness or inadequacy,” said Jean Fitzpatrick, LP, a psychotherapist who has extensive experience working with both men and women and whose practice focuses on relationship and career issues. In particular, men over 50 tend to have a harder time being vulnerable and putting their feelings into words, she said.

Our society largely promotes a very rigid and narrow view of masculinity — real men are supposed to be tough, dominant, independent and strong. They shouldn’t need anyone. Ever.

Men still hear the echo of other old messages, such as: Suck it up, big boys don’t cry, fix it yourself and don’t think about it, said Howes, Ph.D, who’s spent 20 years helping men with their work, relationship and emotional problems, along with researching and writing on men’s issues. So it’s not surprising that many men hold negative views about therapy and start to develop negative views about themselves if they need help.

“There’s a fear they’ll be ridiculed or lose face if they admit they have a problem they can’t fix on their own,” Howes said. Many also find feeling emotions, such as anger or sadness, to be uncomfortable or even unbearable, he said. Going to therapy to connect to these emotions seems like a punishment or simply ridiculous.

(Howes has seen many men end up enjoying the process like “it’s an internal treasure hunt.” After they feel an emotion, they get curious and wonder what the feeling is, what they should call it and where it came from, he said.)

Therapy also may be downright foreign to many men because they don’t really have deep conversations with their friends. Many haven’t even had one. “They may be surrounded by buddies who can talk all day about a number of topics. But they’ve never told another guy about painful memories, deep fears or hidden dreams.”

When men do come to therapy, they prefer to tackle tangible, specific goals, Fitzpatrick said. For instance, they might want to figure out how to navigate a toxic work situation or fix their marriage after an infidelity, she said.

Howes and his client (from above) ended up working on something he actually wanted to work on. “After some poking around, we settled on helping him find a new direction for his career and he started to come alive. By becoming unstuck in therapy and his career, he also loosened up in his marriage and felt more comfortable really connecting with [his wife].”

Howes’s male clients tend to focus more on issues pertaining to work and seeking purpose in their lives. (Women, he said, “tend to focus more on the issues that impact relationships.”) For instance, a client might say, “I want to make VP at my job this year, but I think I’m depressed. Help me fix the depression, so I can get the promotion.”

As Fitzpatrick also noted, “Work isn’t something ‘off to the side’ for men, any more than it is for women. It is an essential part of their sense of self…”

She encouraged readers to be clear with therapists about the help you seek. If you don’t understand or agree with something the therapist says, let them know, she said. It’s important for your therapist to meet you where you are and not to insist that a feeling be expressed in a certain way, Fitzpatrick said. For instance, a therapist asks a man how he’s feeling and he responds that he wants to save his marriage. The therapist shouldn’t decide he’s too goal-oriented or “needs to learn to express feelings more openly.”

Men and therapy are actually a perfect match, Howes said. Many men love to solve problems and fix things —everything from broken dresser drawers to fantasy football teams to computer glitches, he said. “[T]herapy is a laboratory, sort of a garage workshop where we tinker and problem solve every week.” Therapy is a place to collaborate and work with intangible puzzles, he said.

Therapy gives you the opportunity to better understand yourself, Fitzpatrick said. It’s an opportunity to “feel stronger, more authentic and more comfortable with [yourself].” All positive, powerful things that men — and everyone — can benefit from.

* It’s important to note that men are diverse. As Howes said, there are many men who do “love therapy, feel no shame about coming and can’t wait to get in and talk about feelings.” In this piece we’re focusing on a segment of men who have a harder time with therapy. 

Are Your Buttons Being Pushed?

If you're like me, you avoid thinking about the past because you don't see any benefit in the present. Maybe you find it uncomfortable, or painful. Why stir up a lot of memories that you would prefer to forget? Especially when they involve parents, siblings, or old friends; the very same people you share every major holiday for the rest of your life with. But there are good reasons to look back.

As we learn how our brains process emotion and store emotional memory, it becomes clear that yesterday's feelings influence our ability to make positive lasting emotional connections today. If we want to have relationships that are more meaningful in the future, we must have some insight into our past. In fact, looking back thoughtfully may eventually help you to build better connections with those scary folks gathered around the dinner table.

Everyone has emotional baggage, some more than others. Just take a minute and think about your childhood, there must have been some incidents that upset you. Piled on top of each other, these cause that discomfort at family reunions and let certain relatives get under your skin. Through modern technology and numerous studies we now know that all of these painful memories, especially from early childhood trauma physiologically changes how our brain develops.

So as an adult these changes from childhood have a large bearing on our behaviour and we are not even aware of it. Examine your relationships today. Think about the good and the bad. It should not be a challenge to connect the dots between our pain as a child and our pain as an adult.

Generally speaking, strong emotional memories from our childhood become very attractive to us as adults. That does not mean you actively seek it, you are going to find these situations automatically and unconsciously. For example if your parents had clinical depression or were alcoholics /abusive, the chances are good that you will seek these people out or become one.

We repeat these situations over and over as an adult because on some level we want to correct and heal them. Unfortunately, the result is usually that you get re-traumatized. But this presents you with a golden opportunity to make a conscious effort and break the chain of abuse inherited from childhood.

What are the steps forward? It's time to recognize and change the negative situations we put ourselves in. That can be really difficult. Some people get involved in support programs or therapy. The point is you need to find a safe place to hash out those feelings, find their origin, heal and form new habits. Over long periods of time and extensive therapy, it is possible that the brain will physically change over time and truly heal the long term effects of trauma.

Couples Counselling: What You Want From Each Other

Have you ever wanted to ask your partner:

Do I matter to you?
Can I count on you?
Are you there for me?
This is what most couples deep down inside want to ask. When you feel your needs are not being met or communication is breaking down then it may be time to seek counselling together.

It’s not really about issues surrounding finances, the kids or sex (although these issues are important). What you really want from each other is a deep emotional attachment. You can fight, but how you re-connect after that is what makes a relationship last. Staying emotionally connected even when you don’t agree with each other is paramount. The core issues behind every major disagreement will always come back to your own emotional needs, and everyone needs a safe place to work out those issues. Couples often bring their own troubled past into relationships. People who are drawn to each other seem to have ability to push each other's buttons. While this can lead to emotional turmoil, it can also be the place to heal your emotional wounds.

According to John Bowlby, “When we have a deep connection with a group of people, it changes how we feel in life". Isolation can be very traumatizing; we don’t do well alone, we aren't wired for it. The quality of relationships has a huge impact on the immune system. Oxytocin (a bonding hormone) is released when two people are emotionally close to each other. A lack of deep emotional bonding can in fact lead to some serious health issues.

When you feel you're growing apart from each other, like you have lost understanding and empathy with your partner, it's time to seek counselling. The role of the therapist is to lead couples into a deeper emotional bond, by creating a safe place in the therapy session for couples to work out their issues. With both of your participation, within a few sessions, you can work towards being heard, understood, and turning each other's company into a refuge rather than a war zone.

Next week, I will look closer at the cycles that couples go through and the role of the therapist in helping them move forward.

Renovation of Your Soul

When you feel that your world is falling apart because of:

1. Relationships destroyed
2. Finances in the pit
3. Health issues

That’s when you may need an overhaul of your life. When problems become overwhelming, then this a signal that major "repairs" of your soul need to be done, even a complete renovation.

First, sit back and ponder:

1. Where did things go wrong?
2. How do I overcome this?

At this time an inspection / introspection of your soul is needed.

It may be a good idea to sit quietly by yourself, close your eyes and focus your attention within, on your breath. Without judging yourself, look at the picture of your life and just observe what you see in a detached manner. Take some deep breaths. If you find yourself caught up in your emotions, re-direct your attention to your breath. Try to look at yourself with empathy and compassion and embrace the inner you, with all of your positives and negatives. Imagine the love you have for a small child (your child or grandchild) and transfer that love to the inner you. Feel a sense of unconditional love for the inner you.

When you have achieved a sense of calmness, then you are ready to start dealing with your issues one by one.