How can I stay motivated to deepen sexuality and intimacy

This blog was written by Ester Perel, author of Mating in Captivity.

How can I stay motivated to deepen sexuality and intimacy between us, if my partner isn’t onboard with me? -- Gabriella, 44

Often in a relationship, there is one person who drives the closeness, intimacy, and connection (the pursuer). And another partner who tends to sustain distance, aim for space, and emphasize autonomy (the distancer).

This is typical in any relationship. The fact that one person wants more closeness than the other is not unusual. Gabriella feels like she’s the only one in the partnership who cares about their intimate connection, and her partner does not value it. If she feels alone, this can lead to a ladder of escalating negative emotions: Rejection > Ashamed for wanting connection > Questioning self worth > Feel unloved, etc.

If there is a solid foundation in the relationship, this type of conversation is one I recommend for many of my pursuer partner clients: “I totally understand that you’re on a different page than me right now. We don’t feel the same way. But I do need to know that you care about me, that you have empathy for what I’m going through, and that I’m not being dismissed. I don’t need you to want what I want, but I do need that you care about what I want, and you value that I what it.”

If you want more intimacy with your partner, but you seem to be on different pages, these questions may help generate a conversation like the one above:

What is going on for you right now? What is holding you back?
What can we do to change this together?
Is there anything you need from me so we can proceed in a direction that gives both of us what we are looking for?
What is going on for you sexually?

You want to try to understand if the reasons have to do with the relationship, with you, or if they are really the struggles of your partner, which he or she needs to take responsibility for him or herself.


Ganga Daryanani, RSW

Ganga@holisticcounsel.com

416 769 6810

www.Holisticcounsel.com

www.TorontoCounselling.blogspot.com

If you think this blog may be of interest to someone, please feel free to forward.

Why Men Stay Away from Therapy — and Why It’s Actually a Perfect Match

By Margarita Tartakovsky, M.S.

A man went to see psychologist Ryan Howes solely because his wife wanted him to. She wanted him to work on his communication and become more comfortable with intimacy. He wanted to be anywhere but there.

Many men feel this way about therapy.* And many men avoid it — even when they’re struggling and need it most. They often see attending therapy as a “sign of weakness or inadequacy,” said Jean Fitzpatrick, LP, a psychotherapist who has extensive experience working with both men and women and whose practice focuses on relationship and career issues. In particular, men over 50 tend to have a harder time being vulnerable and putting their feelings into words, she said.

Our society largely promotes a very rigid and narrow view of masculinity — real men are supposed to be tough, dominant, independent and strong. They shouldn’t need anyone. Ever.

Men still hear the echo of other old messages, such as: Suck it up, big boys don’t cry, fix it yourself and don’t think about it, said Howes, Ph.D, who’s spent 20 years helping men with their work, relationship and emotional problems, along with researching and writing on men’s issues. So it’s not surprising that many men hold negative views about therapy and start to develop negative views about themselves if they need help.

“There’s a fear they’ll be ridiculed or lose face if they admit they have a problem they can’t fix on their own,” Howes said. Many also find feeling emotions, such as anger or sadness, to be uncomfortable or even unbearable, he said. Going to therapy to connect to these emotions seems like a punishment or simply ridiculous.

(Howes has seen many men end up enjoying the process like “it’s an internal treasure hunt.” After they feel an emotion, they get curious and wonder what the feeling is, what they should call it and where it came from, he said.)

Therapy also may be downright foreign to many men because they don’t really have deep conversations with their friends. Many haven’t even had one. “They may be surrounded by buddies who can talk all day about a number of topics. But they’ve never told another guy about painful memories, deep fears or hidden dreams.”

When men do come to therapy, they prefer to tackle tangible, specific goals, Fitzpatrick said. For instance, they might want to figure out how to navigate a toxic work situation or fix their marriage after an infidelity, she said.

Howes and his client (from above) ended up working on something he actually wanted to work on. “After some poking around, we settled on helping him find a new direction for his career and he started to come alive. By becoming unstuck in therapy and his career, he also loosened up in his marriage and felt more comfortable really connecting with [his wife].”

Howes’s male clients tend to focus more on issues pertaining to work and seeking purpose in their lives. (Women, he said, “tend to focus more on the issues that impact relationships.”) For instance, a client might say, “I want to make VP at my job this year, but I think I’m depressed. Help me fix the depression, so I can get the promotion.”

As Fitzpatrick also noted, “Work isn’t something ‘off to the side’ for men, any more than it is for women. It is an essential part of their sense of self…”

She encouraged readers to be clear with therapists about the help you seek. If you don’t understand or agree with something the therapist says, let them know, she said. It’s important for your therapist to meet you where you are and not to insist that a feeling be expressed in a certain way, Fitzpatrick said. For instance, a therapist asks a man how he’s feeling and he responds that he wants to save his marriage. The therapist shouldn’t decide he’s too goal-oriented or “needs to learn to express feelings more openly.”

Men and therapy are actually a perfect match, Howes said. Many men love to solve problems and fix things —everything from broken dresser drawers to fantasy football teams to computer glitches, he said. “[T]herapy is a laboratory, sort of a garage workshop where we tinker and problem solve every week.” Therapy is a place to collaborate and work with intangible puzzles, he said.

Therapy gives you the opportunity to better understand yourself, Fitzpatrick said. It’s an opportunity to “feel stronger, more authentic and more comfortable with [yourself].” All positive, powerful things that men — and everyone — can benefit from.

* It’s important to note that men are diverse. As Howes said, there are many men who do “love therapy, feel no shame about coming and can’t wait to get in and talk about feelings.” In this piece we’re focusing on a segment of men who have a harder time with therapy. 

How to Achieve Empathy

In couples counselling often one partner may not show any empathy for the other.  This can create an obstacle towards repairing a rupture in the relationship. Or they may not know how to achieve empathy.  Empathy is putting yourself in the other person's shoes.  Here is a link to Brene Brown's interpretation of Empathy.

Brené Brown is a research professor at the University of Houston Graduate College of Social Work. She has spent the past ten years studying vulnerability, courage, authenticity, and shame. She spent the first five years of her decade-long study focusing on shame and empathy, and is now using that work to explore a concept that she calls Wholeheartedness. She poses the questions:

How do we learn to embrace our vulnerabilities and imperfections so that we can engage in our lives from a place of authenticity and worthiness? How do we cultivate the courage, compassion, and connection that we need to recognize that we are enough – that we are worthy of love, belonging, and joy?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Evwgu369Jw&nohtml5=False

If you want to learn more, please view my blog on empathy:

http://www.torontocounselling.blogspot.ca/2015/06/do-i-really-need-to-be-empathic.html