The Affair in Retrospect

The desire to find happy endings for sad human stories is probably lodged in most couples therapists' DNA. When the "sad story" is about infidelity that threatens a marriage, therapists generally aim for their favored resolution: saving the marriage. As a field, we've tended to think about this story in terms of a straightforward, three-part narrative:

 Part 1: A couple is shattered by the discovery of an affair and comes to see us.

 Part 2: We help them get through the immediate crisis, tend to the underlying wounds in the marriage, and then take a deeper look at childhood scars. We provide compassion and advice as needed, and encourage new trust, forgiveness, and intimacy in the relationship.

Part 3: As our preferred denouement, the couple leaves therapy weeks or months later, their marriage repaired, stronger, even transformed---or at least improved. We consider treatment a success; the couple has weathered the storm.

Of course, some couples refuse this neat storyline and, instead, use therapy as a gateway out of the marriage altogether. But, hopefully, they still live happily ever after.

I identified three basic patterns in the way couples reorganize themselves after an infidelity---they never really get past the affair, they pull themselves up by the bootstraps and let it go, or they leave it far behind.

In some marriages, the affair isn't a transitional crisis, but a black hole trapping both parties in an endless round of bitterness, revenge, and self-pity. These couples endlessly gnaw at the same bone, circle and recycle the same grievances, reiterate the same mutual recriminations, and blame each other for their agony. Why they stay in the marriage is often as puzzling as why they can't get beyond their mutual antagonism.

A second pattern is found in couples who remain together because they honor values of lifelong commitment and continuity, family loyalty, and stability. They want to stay connected to their community of mutual friends and associates or have a strong religious affiliation. These couples can move past the infidelity, but they don't necessarily transcend it. Their marriages revert to a more or less peaceful version of the way things were before the crisis, without undergoing any significant change in their relationship.

For some couples, however, the affair becomes a transformational experience and catalyst for renewal and change. This outcome illustrates that therapy has the potential to help couples reinvent their marriage by mining the resilience and resourcefulness each partner brings to the table.

All marriages are alike to the degree that confronting an affair forces the couple to re-evaluate their relationship, but dissimilar in how the couple lives with the legacy of that affair.

This article was written by Esther Perel.

Esther Perel is a Belgian psychotherapist who has explored the tension between the need for security and the need for freedom in human relationships. She has promoted the concept of Erotic Intelligence in her book Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence, which has been translated into 24 languages. Her latest book is: The State of Affairs, Rethinking Infidelity published in 2018.

How to Listen to Pain

--by Jill Suttie, syndicated from Greater Good, Feb 25, 2016 interview with Brené Brown

Why do we feel shame and how does shame change us?

Shame is the most powerful, master emotion. It's the fear that we're not good enough. --Brené Brown

According to Brené Brown, a researcher at the University of Houston, shame is an “intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging.” It’s an emotion that affects all of us and profoundly shapes the way we interact in the world. But, depending on how we deal with it, shame can either shut us down or lead us to a new sense of bravery and authenticity.

Jill Suttie: Why do you think it’s important to study shame and vulnerability?

Brené Brown: Because they are such a big part of our emotional landscape and daily experience. For shame, it’s about shining a light in some dark corners and normalizing some universal experiences that by definition make us feel very alone.

As for vulnerability, a lot of people believe that vulnerability is the centre of dark and difficult emotions that we don’t want to feel; so they guard against it. The truth is that vulnerability is the centre of all emotions. We’re emotional beings, and to understand our emotions is going to require a bit of uncertainty and risk

JS: What do you mean by vulnerability being at the centre of all emotion?

BB: Based on the research, I define vulnerability as uncertainty, risk and emotional exposure. When we feel dark emotions—when we feel grief or shame or fear, scarcity, disappointment—we feel risk and uncertainty, and we feel emotionally exposed and raw. But vulnerability is also the birthplace of love, joy, belonging, trust, intimacy, creativity, and all of the good things. If we’re practicing a guarded heart life, we’re pushing away the things we’re most desperate for.

JS: Can you talk about the difference between shame and guilt?

BB: The easiest way to separate shame from guilt is to say shame is “I’m bad” and guilt is “I did something bad.” Shame is a focus on self; guilt is a focus on behaviour. An easy parenting example would be saying, “You’re stupid” versus “You’re a great kid that made a bad decision.” It’s very hard to get out from underneath shame because, if that’s who you are, what is the potential for change?

JS: Why should we engage with shame in the way you describe in your book when it’s so painful? What’s the benefit to that?

BB: Shame needs three things to grow exponentially: secrecy, silence, and judgment. Those are not authentic responses. So, dealing with shame while maintaining authenticity and cultivating more courage, connection, and compassion in your relationships is what’s needed. It’s a tall order. But one of the by products of being able to move through shame constructively is that people who come out the other side by default feel braver, more connected and compassionate.

JS: Do you have advice for people who grew up in families where emotions were ignored or downplayed?

BB: I’m a big believer in therapy. I could not have done this work without a really great therapist. I don’t think we can do this work alone, because we were never meant to. It’s not how we’re wired. We’re wired for connection, from mirror neurons on down, and in the absence of connection, there’s suffering. So, I think just starting small conversations with people we trust and care about and being honest about wanting to learn more and do more about our shame is a good step. It’s all about being in connection while we’re in this learning process.

JS: What do you hope people will most take away from your work?

BB: I hope more than anything that it starts a conversation. I hope my work helps people feel less alone and gives them the permission and the language to talk about the most important parts of being human—both the hard parts and the most beautiful parts.

Brene Brown is a researcher at the University of Houston.

Her TED talk on the power of vulnerability is the fourth most popular talk of all time and has been viewed by over 23 million people, while her books are all bestsellers, including The Gifts of Imperfection, Daring Greatly and her latest book, Rising Strong.

We bicker all the time… What should I do?

By Ester Perel who is a sex and relationship therapist, best-selling author of Mating in Captivity and a consultant for the hit Showtime  series The Affair

“We bicker all the time, she’s so critical of me and I don’t feel like I am doing anything right. What should I do?” – Anthony, Boston

Anthony’s question is powerful because it is so common.

I think of bickering as low intensity chronic warfare. Ongoing criticism can lead to the demise of the relationship. And if we criticize as a way of asking to be loved, well then we will often produce precisely the opposite effect of what we seek: to be loved and to feel good about ourselves. If we spend much of our time feeling lousy, unloved, devalued, inadequate and inept, we are on the wrong side of the tracks. So what can we do to reset this negative pattern?

Pay Attention to What’s Working

When our relationship is in distress, we tend to overlook the good and overemphasize the bad.

To counter this, try keeping a daily list of everything that your partner does that is positive, everything that you appreciate, everything that you can be thankful for. Do this for ten days in a row.

Each note can be as simple as: “Made me a cup of tea” or “Locked door on way out”. Instead of elevating the annoying, elevate the minute details of your partner’s generosity and thoughtfulness.

Focus on what is working. Pay attention.

The ratio of appreciation is crucial to a good relationship. Take the log one step further and make a big deal every time the other person does something positive.

This will kick you out of a defeating cycle of negativity. And will motivate your partner towards acts of kindness.

Let Yourself Be Vulnerable

What’s important to understand about criticism is that it sits on top of a mountain of disappointments of unmet needs and unfulfilled longings.

Every criticism often holds a veiled wish. When your partner says to you, “You’re never around”, what they may actually mean is “I’m lonely, I miss you when you’re not here.”

When Anthony’s partner tells him he never brings her along when he goes hiking, what she is also trying to tell him is “I wish we would go hiking together”.

I recommend that Anthony and his partner both say what they want and not what the other did not do.  

Often I suggest this to couples and they complain, “But I already did exactly that and I got nothing”. Try again.

It is tempting to launch into anger instead of experiencing the vulnerability of putting yourself out there, asking for something and waiting for the possibility that you won’t get it.

For many, anger is easier to express than hurt. Anger can feel like a confidence booster and an analgesic. Yet the more we communicate through anger, the more anger we get in return, creating a negative cycle of escalations.

Reflect & Take Responsibility

If you have ever done any breathing exercises, or yoga classes, you may have noticed that there is a space at the end of each inhale and exhale. A moment to pause. Similarly, economists and psychologists often encourage this moment of pause before making a large purchase.

Instead of shifting into instantaneous blame, take a moment to shift from reaction to reflection.

Why am I angry?  What do I want?  Instead of going for the jugular, take responsibility for what you feel and state it.

When couples come to therapy and they are in escalating cycles – things change when each person begins to take responsibility. This is true for both Anthony and his partner.

Remember, seek professional help at the early signs of relationship difficulties.  Waiting too long is never worth it, because you get stuck in negative patterns of interaction that become increasingly automatic, rigidly entrenched and more and more difficult to change.

Monogamy?

According to Dr. Sue Johnson, author of:"Hold me Tight " and" Love Sense": Monogamy is getting a bad rap these days. We're told that we should all grow up and accept that it's impossible and that we're just naturally promiscuous. Monogamy is more and more portrayed as a state of deprivation, where deadening familiarity robs us of magic and thrills in the bedroom and beyond, and cheating is viewed as inevitable.

But most of us (about 75% of us, according to several different studies) do not cheat on our partners. And, even though, until recently, we had no map or any kind of scientific understanding of love to guide us, more than half of us manage to stay together for a lifetime.

Rigorous survey data from the University of Chicago also shows that long-term committed couples are the happiest, most satisfied, have more sex and report that their sex lives are more thrilling. Here are five reasons, why monogamy — especially now that bonding science shows us how to shape and hold onto love — is no dysfunctional delusion. It is simply the best way to be.

1. It's in our nature to hold onto and protect the bond with a chosen mate.

We are mammals who must collaborate closely over time to rear extremely vulnerable young. A clear preference to mate, stay close to, groom, care for and protect one partner is the norm in such mammals. This does not mean that recreational sex never occurs; it means that it's an occasional side show, a deviation from an adaptive norm, not a better option.

2. Love is an ancient survival code designed to keep a trusted loved one close.

We now know that this need for safe haven connection with an irreplaceable other is our most compelling drive, one that has shaped our chemistry and our nervous system. Sex in mammals is a bonding behavior. We mate face to face, touch and caress, and we are flooded with the bonding hormone, oxytocin, when we “make love.”

Oxytocin turns off fear, turns on reward hormones and moves us into calm contentment. No wonder we long for love. When usually monogamous mammals like prairie voles are given drugs to block oxytocin, they are more likely to stray; when given extra oxytocin they practically groom their mate into the ground.

3. The cost of infidelity is high.

Partners are generally unable and unwilling to share the one they love. Sam, like most partners tells me, “I don’t even know why I did it. It wasn’t like I was consumed with lust for my secretary or was hankering after a different partner. I had lost my connection with my wife, Kim. Nothing seemed to work between us. I was depressed and lonely. Taking my secretary out for coffee was comforting and it felt good that she liked me. I told myself that Kim wouldn’t find out and that it wouldn’t really change anything. The whole thing just seemed very separate from my family.”

Sam denied and compartmentalized, but he was wrong about Kim’s response. She felt traumatized and betrayed. Since we have such a deep need for a secure bond with a lover we can count on, it is natural and inevitable that Kim experiences Sam’s affair as a significant threat. She asked Sam to move out. With help, this couple were able to move into forgiveness. So yes, you can reconcile after an affair, but often the damage is irrevocable.

4. A secure bond with all its mental and physical health benefits requires focused attention and timely emotional responsiveness.

This is hard to pull off if you are investing in more than relationship at a time. Amy tells her husband Jacques, “I want to come first. You don’t even have time and energy for me, let alone a mistress. You ask me to accept this and adapt, but we spend all our time setting rules and fighting over who gets your attention and when. I can’t count on you to be there for me. You have to leave.”

5. Most arguments against monogamy stress the “sex with the same person becomes a bore” mantra.

One study out of my research center shows that when couples become more open and emotionally connected, their sex life improves. Recreational sex — sex without emotional engagement — is way overrated. It's like a dance without music. Flat. One dimensional.

The partners who report being the most open to one night stands and short term sexual relationships are usually into avoidant bonding strategies. They tend to be phobic about depending on or being vulnerable to others. In bed they focus on performance and “hot” sensation.

Ironically, studies report that these same people enjoy sex less and have less frequent sex than more involved bonded partners. The evidence is, securely attached, fully engaged lovers, are happier and more caring.

They also have better sex lives; they are more open to exploring their sexual needs, they communicate better in bed, and can co-operate and solve sexual problems together. They dance in a more attuned and responsive way, in bed and out of it.

The idea that passion has a "Best-before" date and is incompatible with long term love was trendy before the new science of love came on line. Now it’s out of date. The take home message is: be monogamous and shape a joyful, secure bond with your partner. Don’t worry, you’re not missing a thing. If you learn to make sense of love, you can fall in love again and again with the same precious lover. You can have lasting, caring, intimate connection AND the time of your life in bed. This is delight, not deprivation.

Where does Love Go Wrong?

The Demon Dialogues That Can Wreck Your Relationship
By Dr. Sue Johnson,
Author of Hold Me Tight

Unhappy couples always tell me that they fight over money, the kids, or sex. They tell me that they cannot communicate and the solution is that their partner has to change.  “If Mary would just not get so emotional and listen to my arguments about our fiancés and the kids, we would get somewhere,” Brian tells me. “Well, if Brian would talk more and not just walk away, we wouldn’t fight. I think we are just growing apart here,” says Mary.

After 25 years of doing couple therapy and couple research studies, I know that both Mary and Tim are just seeing the tip of the iceberg. Submerged below is the massive real issue: both partners feel emotionally disconnected.

They are watching their backs, feeling criticized, shut-out and alone. Underneath all the loud arguments and long silences, partners are asking each other the key questions in the drama of love: “Are you there for me? Do I and my feelings matter to you? Will you respond to me when I need you?”  The answers to these questions, questions that are so hard to ask and so hard to hear in the heat of a fight, make the difference between emotional safety and emotional peril and starvation.

We know from all the hundreds of studies on love that have emerged during the past decade that emotional responsiveness is what makes or breaks love relationships. Happy stable couples can quarrel and fight, but they also know how to tune into each other and restore emotional connection after a clash. In our studies we find that seven out of ten couples who receive Emotionally Focused Therapy or EFT can repair their relationship. They do this by finding a way out of emotional disconnection and back into the safe loving contact that builds trust. But why can’t we all do this, even without a therapist? What gets in our way?  The new science of love tells us.

Our loved one is our shelter in life. When this person is unavailable and unresponsive we are assailed by a tsunami of emotions — sadness, anger, hurt and above all, fear. This fear is wired in. Being able to rely on a loved one, to know that he or she will answer our call is our innate survival code. Research is clear, when we sense that a primary love relationship is threatened, we go into a primal panic.

There are only three ways to deal with our sense of impending loss and isolation. If we are in a happy basically secure union, we accept the need for emotional connection and speak those needs directly in a way that helps their partner respond lovingly. If however we are in a wobbly relationship and are not sure how to voice our need, we either angrily demand or try to push our partner into responding, or we shut down and move away to protect ourselves. No matter the exact words we use, what we are really saying is, “Notice me. Be with me. I need you.” Or, “I won’t let you hurt me. I will chill out, try to stay in control.”

If these strategies become front and center in a relationship, then we are liable to get stuck in what I call the Demon Dialogues. These dialogues can take over your relationship. They create more and more resentment, caution and distance until we reach a point where we feel the only solution is to give up and bail out. 

When folks caught in Demon Dialogues come in and ask, “Is there any hope for us?”  I tell them, “Sure there is. When we understand what the drama of love is all about, what our needs and fears are, we can help each other step out of these negative dialogues into positive loving conversations that bring us in to each other’s arms and safely home.

 

Why Men Stay Away from Therapy — and Why It’s Actually a Perfect Match

By Margarita Tartakovsky, M.S.

A man went to see psychologist Ryan Howes solely because his wife wanted him to. She wanted him to work on his communication and become more comfortable with intimacy. He wanted to be anywhere but there.

Many men feel this way about therapy.* And many men avoid it — even when they’re struggling and need it most. They often see attending therapy as a “sign of weakness or inadequacy,” said Jean Fitzpatrick, LP, a psychotherapist who has extensive experience working with both men and women and whose practice focuses on relationship and career issues. In particular, men over 50 tend to have a harder time being vulnerable and putting their feelings into words, she said.

Our society largely promotes a very rigid and narrow view of masculinity — real men are supposed to be tough, dominant, independent and strong. They shouldn’t need anyone. Ever.

Men still hear the echo of other old messages, such as: Suck it up, big boys don’t cry, fix it yourself and don’t think about it, said Howes, Ph.D, who’s spent 20 years helping men with their work, relationship and emotional problems, along with researching and writing on men’s issues. So it’s not surprising that many men hold negative views about therapy and start to develop negative views about themselves if they need help.

“There’s a fear they’ll be ridiculed or lose face if they admit they have a problem they can’t fix on their own,” Howes said. Many also find feeling emotions, such as anger or sadness, to be uncomfortable or even unbearable, he said. Going to therapy to connect to these emotions seems like a punishment or simply ridiculous.

(Howes has seen many men end up enjoying the process like “it’s an internal treasure hunt.” After they feel an emotion, they get curious and wonder what the feeling is, what they should call it and where it came from, he said.)

Therapy also may be downright foreign to many men because they don’t really have deep conversations with their friends. Many haven’t even had one. “They may be surrounded by buddies who can talk all day about a number of topics. But they’ve never told another guy about painful memories, deep fears or hidden dreams.”

When men do come to therapy, they prefer to tackle tangible, specific goals, Fitzpatrick said. For instance, they might want to figure out how to navigate a toxic work situation or fix their marriage after an infidelity, she said.

Howes and his client (from above) ended up working on something he actually wanted to work on. “After some poking around, we settled on helping him find a new direction for his career and he started to come alive. By becoming unstuck in therapy and his career, he also loosened up in his marriage and felt more comfortable really connecting with [his wife].”

Howes’s male clients tend to focus more on issues pertaining to work and seeking purpose in their lives. (Women, he said, “tend to focus more on the issues that impact relationships.”) For instance, a client might say, “I want to make VP at my job this year, but I think I’m depressed. Help me fix the depression, so I can get the promotion.”

As Fitzpatrick also noted, “Work isn’t something ‘off to the side’ for men, any more than it is for women. It is an essential part of their sense of self…”

She encouraged readers to be clear with therapists about the help you seek. If you don’t understand or agree with something the therapist says, let them know, she said. It’s important for your therapist to meet you where you are and not to insist that a feeling be expressed in a certain way, Fitzpatrick said. For instance, a therapist asks a man how he’s feeling and he responds that he wants to save his marriage. The therapist shouldn’t decide he’s too goal-oriented or “needs to learn to express feelings more openly.”

Men and therapy are actually a perfect match, Howes said. Many men love to solve problems and fix things —everything from broken dresser drawers to fantasy football teams to computer glitches, he said. “[T]herapy is a laboratory, sort of a garage workshop where we tinker and problem solve every week.” Therapy is a place to collaborate and work with intangible puzzles, he said.

Therapy gives you the opportunity to better understand yourself, Fitzpatrick said. It’s an opportunity to “feel stronger, more authentic and more comfortable with [yourself].” All positive, powerful things that men — and everyone — can benefit from.

* It’s important to note that men are diverse. As Howes said, there are many men who do “love therapy, feel no shame about coming and can’t wait to get in and talk about feelings.” In this piece we’re focusing on a segment of men who have a harder time with therapy. 

Loneliness leads to increased levels of the stress hormone cortisol, altered expression in immune cells, poorer immune function, higher blood pressure and an increased level of depression.

It depresses your immune system, just like depression. Long periods of isolation can lead to feelings of helplessness, just like depression.  It makes us wonder how many people are taking antidepressants when maybe all they need is a “secure attachment and a hug.”

John T, Cacioppo, is a Distinguished Professor at the University of Chicago, who is one of the founders of the new, interdisciplinary field of neuroscience which has used brain scans to examine the ways in which social isolation impacts our bodies and behaviour.  Together with science writer William Patrick, he presents a fascinating assessment of loneliness and the need of social connection.

The authors lay out the roots of loneliness in 3 sections:

1. The person’s individual genetically based level of vulnerability to social disconnection
2. The person’s ability to regulate the emotions connected with feeling isolated.
3. The person’s expectation of others.

These factors combine to influence stress levels, immune response, and negative cycles of self-defeating behaviour. The authors claim that loneliness can be dealt with by understanding our fears and reframing how we think about social situations.

As a psychotherapist, I help my clients deal with the underlying emotional issues that cause loneliness.

Today we see people reaching out to others through: Social media networking: Facebook, Twitter, Meet-up groups, etc…

The studies report that a sense of isolation or rejection disrupts not only our abilities, will power and perseverance, but also key cellular processes deep within the human body.

Cacioppo and Patrick also demonstrate how loneliness creates a loop that reinforces social anxiety, fear and other negative feelings.  According to the authors help can be given by rediscovering those positive, physiological sensations that come during the simplest moments of human contact.  But that means overcoming the fear and reaching out.

Lonely people feel a hunger.  The solution lies not in being fed, but in cooking for and enjoying a meal with others.

What matters is not the number of social interactions, but the degree to which these social interactions satisfy a person’s need for connection.

Just like losing weight is a matter of eating less and exercising , rather than cutting out carbohydrates and taking over the counter drugs, the same way you cannot come out of your shell by losing weight, getting a fashion makeover, or go on E-Harmony to meet Mr. or Ms. Right.

You are going to have to be nice to people, volunteer at a place of your liking, and stop the destructive thought patterns. 

The Psychology Behind Meditation

One of the simplest definitions of meditation is 'the correct use of the mind'. The aim isn't to deny our thoughts, but to become aware of our mind, gain mastery over our mental activity and generate the highest quality thoughts. With practice, we will be able to slow down our minds and enter the inner space within our consciousness.

People learn to meditate for a variety of reasons. Some desire inner peace, others use it as a part of their quest for truth and understanding, and for some it is the hope of discovering the holy grail of happiness. Meditation is a spiritual, mental, and emotional healing process, with proven benefits to our physical well-being.

The main benefits of meditation are: improved levels of contentment, concentration, creativity and communication.

Surrounded by a highly charged, constantly changing world, we may find it difficult to maintain our attention span for any length of time. When we take the time to explore the real cause of stress, we would find distorted thinking leads to various emotions that we find stressful. Stress and tiredness is a modern disease. If we acknowledge that negative thoughts and stresses are not normal parts of a fulfilling life, than we can reap many rewards from the regular practice of meditation. It helps to balance our physical energies, which allows the body to function more effectively, while improving its ability its heal itself.

The physical benefits of meditation are: reduced blood pressure, increased vitality, better sleep patterns and greater pain control.

Meditation helps us gradually increase self-awareness and awaken who we really are. It is a journey through which we rediscover our natural resources of peace, power and love.

Telephone Counselling

After a full day of work it can be hard to come in for therapy or accomodate it in your schedule. To make it easier, I do offer a telephone therapy service.

You can make arrangements and pay by interac email transfer or by check in advance, This is not just for people here in Toronto, you can do this from anywhere in the world!

For more information, head over to the Telephone Therapy section of my website.

How Clean Are Your Windows?

A young woman saw her neighbor hanging the wash outside.

"That laundry isn't very clean," the young woman said to her husband, "She doesn’t know how to wash clothes, maybe she needs better laundry soap." Her husband looked on, but remained silent. Every time her neighbor would hang her wash to dry, the young woman would make the same comments.

A month later, the woman was surprised to see nice clean laundry on the line and said to her husband, "Look, she finally learned how to wash! I wonder who taught her".

The husband said, "I got up early this morning and cleaned our windows."

And so it is with life.

What we see when we look at others depends on the window through which we look.

This is an e-mail I got from a friend and it struck me how true that is for all of us. How clean are your windows? Most of carry carry some dirt from the past, which causes biases and judgement. How do we clean our windows? By getting rid of the past issues blurring your lenses.

Forgive all the people that you hold a grudge against, whether they were wrong or not.

Just repeat the following 4 sentences:

I am sorry

Please gorgive me

Thank you

I love you.

These 4 sentences are quoted by Ihaleakala Hew Len, Phd. You may find amazing results when you repeat these 4 sentences all day long. Try it out, I am interested in your results.

Ayurveda: 23 ways to Start Feeling Better Today

Have you noticed how often our daily habits go against nature? How often do you eat food that is out of season? How many unusual chemicals do we put on our skin or hair or in our food? The problem in our society is that it's very difficult to know the right authority to trust as you try to find a balanced lifestyle.

Take for instance, the Atkins Diet. Its very popular, but really this has only been around a half dozen years or so. Ayurveda, by contrast has been practiced for over three thousand years, making it one of the oldest practices in medicine still in use today.

Ayurveda is centered on helping you live a balanced life through eliminating the toxins you take in (or allow your body to produce). This is done by changing your diet and lifestyle. For example: your diet should be changing through the year. Humans evolved eating only what grew naturally, agriculture is a relatively recent development. So our bodies are designed to eat the foods of the current season.

Among the top Ayurvedic therapy experts in the West is Dr. Vasant Lad, Chairman of the Ayurvedic Institute in Albequerque, New Mexico. Prior to his work in New Mexico, he served as Medical Director of the Ayurveda Hospital in Pune, India. He also has trained in Western Medicine as the two are not in conflict. I recently attended one of his presentations at the Metro Convention Centre here in Toronto.

His talk was simple, basic and to the point. His message was that we can eat the best organic food, but if we do not have harmony in our relationships and lifestyle, only conflict and unresolved emotions, then our health cannot be good.

Here are some tips he shared with us:

1. Change your food according to the season.
2. Have a daily routine.
3. Have spiritual awareness.
4. Wake up before the sun rises, you will be fresh and alert and have less depression.
5. Clean your aura, in the morning, by moving your palms over your face, head and your entire body, with loving deep breaths. You will fall in love with yourself.
6. Pray for a fulfilling and beautiful day.
7. Kiss your reflection in the mirror and say "You are beautiful the way you are".
8. DON'T use fluoride toothpaste and DO scrape your tongue from back to front to remove dead bacteria.
9. Drink a glass of lukewarm water to wash away toxins. then do the So-Ham meditation. mouth the sound "So" on the inhalation, "Ham" on the exhalation, with your feet facing away from the door.
10. Focus your attention on your third eye (space between your eyebrows) and visualize light in that spot.
11. Massage your body with warm sesame oil (or coconut/sunflower oil ) in the opposite direction of your hair.
12. Take a shower with a small amount of soap, dry with a clean towel and wear clean clothes.
13. Drink your food and chew your water.
14. Go for walks after dinner.
15. Don't watch t.v. while eating food.
16. Chew fennel or coriander seeds after roasting them.
17. Always share your food and don't eat in the dark.
18. Burn incense and candles.
19. Wash your eyes twice per week, lubricate nostrils daily and at bedtime put warm oil in your ears.
20. Dinner should be between 6 and 7 pm, not after sunset.
21. Rub your feet with brahmini or brungaraj oil. This will send you to sleep easily.
22. Go to bed between 9.30pm and 10.
23. Don't eat yogurt on a cloudy, rainy day as it will clog your arteries and increase mucus.

These are simple yet effective tips for leading a healthier lifestyle.

What impresses me most about this way of healing is that the methods are so simple, pure and sincere. It bring us back to nature and makes us feel grounded. Love yourself and everyone around you, have positive loving relationships. If you make a commitment to take care of yourself in a loving way, you will be on the road to healing yourself.

Ismat Nathani, Founder of the Centre for Ayurveda and Indian Systems of Healing, worked with Dr. Lad to provide further information about Auyrvedic treatments.