The Demon Dialogues That Can Wreck Your Relationship
By Dr. Sue Johnson,
Author of Hold Me Tight
By Dr. Sue Johnson,
Author of Hold Me Tight
Unhappy couples always tell me that they fight over money, the kids, or
sex. They tell me that they cannot communicate and the solution is that their
partner has to change. “If Mary would just not get so emotional and
listen to my arguments about our fiancés and the kids, we would get somewhere,”
Brian tells me. “Well, if Brian would talk more and not just walk away, we
wouldn’t fight. I think we are just growing apart here,” says Mary.
After 25 years of doing couple therapy and couple research studies, I know
that both Mary and Tim are just seeing the tip of the iceberg. Submerged below
is the massive real issue: both partners feel emotionally disconnected.
They are watching their backs, feeling criticized, shut-out and alone.
Underneath all the loud arguments and long silences, partners are asking each
other the key questions in the drama of love: “Are you there for me? Do I and
my feelings matter to you? Will you respond to me when I need you?” The
answers to these questions, questions that are so hard to ask and so hard to
hear in the heat of a fight, make the difference between emotional safety and
emotional peril and starvation.
We know from all the hundreds of studies on love that have emerged
during the past decade that emotional responsiveness is what makes or breaks
love relationships. Happy stable couples can quarrel and fight, but they also
know how to tune into each other and restore emotional connection after a
clash. In our studies we find that seven out of ten couples who receive
Emotionally Focused Therapy or EFT can repair their relationship. They do this
by finding a way out of emotional disconnection and back into the safe loving
contact that builds trust. But why can’t we all do this, even without a
therapist? What gets in our way? The new science of love tells us.
Our loved one is our shelter in life. When this person is unavailable
and unresponsive we are assailed by a tsunami of emotions — sadness, anger,
hurt and above all, fear. This fear is wired in. Being able to rely on a loved
one, to know that he or she will answer our call is our innate survival code.
Research is clear, when we sense that a primary love relationship is
threatened, we go into a primal panic.
There are only three ways to deal with our sense of impending loss and
isolation. If we are in a happy basically secure union, we accept the need for
emotional connection and speak those needs directly in a way that helps their
partner respond lovingly. If however we are in a wobbly relationship and are
not sure how to voice our need, we either angrily demand or try to push our
partner into responding, or we shut down and move away to protect ourselves. No
matter the exact words we use, what we are really saying is, “Notice me. Be
with me. I need you.” Or, “I won’t let you hurt me. I will chill out, try to
stay in control.”
If these strategies become front and center in a relationship, then we
are liable to get stuck in what I call the Demon Dialogues. These dialogues can
take over your relationship. They create more and more resentment, caution and
distance until we reach a point where we feel the only solution is to give up
and bail out.
When folks caught in Demon Dialogues come in and ask, “Is there any hope
for us?” I tell them, “Sure there is. When we understand what the drama
of love is all about, what our needs and fears are, we can help each other step
out of these negative dialogues into positive loving conversations that bring
us in to each other’s arms and safely home.
