Constructive Criticism

Would you mind if I gave you some feedback? What that really means is: do you mind receiving negative feedback that is disguised as constructive criticism?

The problem with criticism is that it challenges our sense of value. It implies judgment and we all recoil from that. Daniel Goleman, internationally recognized psychologist believes, "threats to our esteem in the eyes of others can be so potent that they can literally feel like threats to our survival".

Still, feedback is a necessary process that we can all learn and grow from. So then, how does one go about delivering feedback that has the greatest value? How can you give criticism that is beneficial and absorbed upon by the recipient?

First, what we say is often less important than how we say it. Do not give feedback when you feel that your own value is at risk. We are more likely to be reactive, insensitive and hurtful.

2. In the process of criticism, be considerate of the other person’s value. Even the most well intended criticism will make us feel our value is at risk and under attack. When that happens, the primal impulse is to defend ourselves. The more the person you are criticizing feels compelled to defend their value, the less open they are to absorb what you're saying.

3. Don’t assume you are right. Our stories are not necessarily true, they are simply an interpretation. It makes more sense to offer feedback in a spirit of humble exploration rather than declaration; dialogue rather than monologue and curiosity rather than certainty. Humility is acknowledging that we don’t know, even when we think we know. Steven Covey, author of 7 Habits of Highly Effective People says: seek first to understand.

We are better off to eliminate words such as feedback and constructive criticism. Instead, we should approach criticism as opportunities for honest inquiry and genuine learning.

Try this out next time you need to give someone feedback: you may say, "here is the story I am telling myself….have I got it right or am I missing something?” This will help you to understand each other better and create open communication.

Are Your Buttons Being Pushed?

If you're like me, you avoid thinking about the past because you don't see any benefit in the present. Maybe you find it uncomfortable, or painful. Why stir up a lot of memories that you would prefer to forget? Especially when they involve parents, siblings, or old friends; the very same people you share every major holiday for the rest of your life with. But there are good reasons to look back.

As we learn how our brains process emotion and store emotional memory, it becomes clear that yesterday's feelings influence our ability to make positive lasting emotional connections today. If we want to have relationships that are more meaningful in the future, we must have some insight into our past. In fact, looking back thoughtfully may eventually help you to build better connections with those scary folks gathered around the dinner table.

Everyone has emotional baggage, some more than others. Just take a minute and think about your childhood, there must have been some incidents that upset you. Piled on top of each other, these cause that discomfort at family reunions and let certain relatives get under your skin. Through modern technology and numerous studies we now know that all of these painful memories, especially from early childhood trauma physiologically changes how our brain develops.

So as an adult these changes from childhood have a large bearing on our behaviour and we are not even aware of it. Examine your relationships today. Think about the good and the bad. It should not be a challenge to connect the dots between our pain as a child and our pain as an adult.

Generally speaking, strong emotional memories from our childhood become very attractive to us as adults. That does not mean you actively seek it, you are going to find these situations automatically and unconsciously. For example if your parents had clinical depression or were alcoholics /abusive, the chances are good that you will seek these people out or become one.

We repeat these situations over and over as an adult because on some level we want to correct and heal them. Unfortunately, the result is usually that you get re-traumatized. But this presents you with a golden opportunity to make a conscious effort and break the chain of abuse inherited from childhood.

What are the steps forward? It's time to recognize and change the negative situations we put ourselves in. That can be really difficult. Some people get involved in support programs or therapy. The point is you need to find a safe place to hash out those feelings, find their origin, heal and form new habits. Over long periods of time and extensive therapy, it is possible that the brain will physically change over time and truly heal the long term effects of trauma.

Who Looks Outside Dreams, Who Looks Inside Awakens

In the Eastern philosophy, the world we live in is considered “Maya” illusion. All the world is a stage, and we are merely actors. Wearing a costume, we interact with others who are also wearing their own costume. It’s only when we take off this costume that we come face to face with the core of our identity.

The journey in life is to be aware of who you are under all of the costumes at all times. In an ideal state, this core ought to include feelings of openness, love, acceptance, and self-fulfillment.

When we meet obstacles on our way, we usually see them as issues to “overcome” or alternatively we can say to ourselves: “What do I need to change within myself so that I can deal with this in the most harmonious way”. In this way problems become golden opportunities to evolve into a better person.

That’s why relationships are so great; they place a mirror in front of us, showing us where we stand on our path.

Can you guess what happens when you make a shift within yourself? The behavior of others people changes automatically. In a situation where the victim/controller dynamic occurs, a change of mindset from the victim will result in the controller also making a shift. The controller now needs to look for another button to push. This continues until all the buttons are released, which means that you’ve taken great steps forward on your (hopefully mutual) journey of personal growth.

At times when the issues seem too big to handle, finding a therapist who can provide a safe, non-judgmental place to look into that mirror; assisting you in a gentle way to have the courage and confidence to make the changes needed. Initially, you may only be able to take baby steps, not sure what is inside of you (like being afraid of the dark) only to discover there is no monster there.

Once you discover that it is not so scary, you can speed up the process, until you can love yourself unconditionally. Only when we love ourselves, can we love others. Then it’s not “I want some-one to love me so that I can feel good about myself”, but “I love myself and want to be with someone who also loves her/himself.” That becomes then a journey of growing and evolving together, when partners can help each other to transform; knowing the darker side of the other and still not running away, but working to get to the light.

If you’re the sort of person for whom mantras are effective, an excellent one can be: “I am love; I am perfect exactly the way I am.” The next step is also to see other people as love and perfect, which is a greater challenge.