Have you taken care of YOU lately?

Worried about your Emotional and Mental Health?

Emergency!  You hear the announcement from the pilot to put your oxygen mask on.  What do you do first?  Put the mask on your child, or yourself?    We're so focused on caring for others that we instinctually put the mask on our loved ones first.   We reason once they're safe, then we'll put our mask on.    Sadly, that would be a big mistake. 

However, it tends to be the way we run our daily lives.   We take care of ourselves (stop laughing) when we have the extra time (again, stop laughing!!!), putting our needs last on a long list of ‘to do’s’ which we never get to (stop crying).  

Where does that put you?  Are you on the top of the list or at the bottom?  If you put your ‘oxygen mask’ on, then you'll have the mental, emotional and physical strength to do what’s necessary to help those around you.  If you put it on your child first, they won't know what to do next when you collapse because you didn't get the needed oxygen in time.  They are alive, but helpless.

We're juggling so many things, it’s exhausting.  You can’t find any time for yourself.  But if you could you'd hide yourself somewhere to steal some ZZZZZZZ’s!!!!!

We all know sleep is important to our overall health, so we rest. 

We all know exercise is important to our overall health; so we set the clock an hour earlier to do running, or yoga, or whatever our choice.   We're learning about exercising our brains.  So we learn to play an instrument, a new language, or just learn something new. 

All of the above can put stress on your emotional & mental wellbeing as well as your interpersonal relationships.  If your needs are put on the bottom of the list, you may never get healthy on any level.   People around us will continue to ask us to do things for them, and we want to help them.  Unfortunately, your oxygen mask is not on.  Everyone else is wearing theirs, but NOT YOU!   You are in a precarious position and it should change for your health and wellbeing.

Take the time to review your actions.  Learn to say no.  Put yourself first, so that when you are stronger you can handle just about anything anyone throws at you.

This is where psychotherapy helps. I’m here to help strengthen your emotional and mental wellbeing so you can handle life’s challenges.   

  

Feeling Safe

Quite recently a friend of mine told me about a workshop her friend attended about ‘coping with stress” offered by her employer.   Of all the helpful suggestions she heard, this one incident was what she remembered the most. 

The facilitator was asking the group what they did to reduce stress.  Comments such as ‘alcohol’, ‘food’ and ‘sex’ were called out from the audience.   She then asked ‘who in this group had at least one person they could talk to, just off-load all their worries and fears without any judgement from this other person?’   Out of a group of 40 people representing all ages, gender and backgrounds only 2 people raised their hands!  Her friend was one of them. 

Sadly this is the reality faced by most people!  Some of these people are married!  Some in a steady relationship!  A member of a family!  

Worse yet, if YOU feel you cannot open up to your partner, and your PARTNER likewise feels the same towards you, your relationship is heading for serious trouble. 

Checking synonyms for the word ‘safe’ it gave some very nice alternatives.   ‘Protected’, ‘Out of harm’s way’, ‘In safe hands’, ‘Safe and sound’.    Absolutely, we all want it!

Where did the feeling ‘safe’ disappear to? 

 If you don’t feel safe, protected, or in safe hands, you’ll naturally back away from the other person.  You’ll withhold your feelings so you don’t get hurt, ridiculed, or laughed at.   It’s natural.   And because you’re withholding your feelings, your partner feels that.  And now they don’t feel safe.  They start trying to figure out what they did wrong.  They can’t read your mind to know what the problem is so rather than getting yelled at, ridiculed or laughed at for not understanding, they too pull away from you.    Can you see that there is no happy ending here?

Fearing ridicule by someone they love dearly, they don’t want to appear weak.  It’s all about emotion and communication.

Wouldn't it be awesome to feel safe, protected and in safe hands?! 

I have helped many people overcome this issue; I can be that one person you can talk to.

What is Love? How to Find and Keep it.

“We are obsessed with love and love relationships. But what do we really know about love? We instinctively know that here is no other experience that will have more impact on our lives-our happiness and health-than our success at living and being loved. We know that love makes us vulnerable, but also that we are never as safe and strong as when we are sure we are loved.”¹

According to Dr. Sue Johnson in her newly acclaimed book: Love Sense, love is not the least bit illogical or random, but an ordered and wise recipe for survival.  The need for connection is our first and most basic instinct.

Romantic love is an attachment bond, just like that between mother and child; emotional interaction with partners buffers us from stress and makes us stronger in the face of life’s challenges. 

Touch and intimacy spur the growth of mirror neurons, which help us “read” and respond to our partners.

A good relationship is the best recipe for happiness and health and a powerful antidote for aging.

Dr. Sue Johnson’s Love Sense opens the door to the revolutionary new science of emotional bonding.  It provides you with the confidence and tools to deal with make-or-break moments and weathers the key stages in your relationship.

Dr. Johnson outlines the 3 basic strategies for handling your attachment needs and fears, and offers fresh insight into the link between sex and emotional bonding.  Learning how to enhance or repair the bond with your partner no longer has to be a matter of guesswork.

1 Love Sense by Dr. Sue Johnson copyright 2013, Little, Brown and Company

Return on your Relationship Investment

We’re all looking for that great vehicle to invest our dollars.  We want little or no risk  but with large returns.  

Where should I invest?  How much?  Who do I trust with my money?  Is my money safe?  Do I have any control over my monies?  Are there any guarantees I won’t get burned? 

We scramble trying to find the best investment for us at year end.  Don’t want to pay more taxes than one has to!  After all, must think of my future and my security.

We put a lot of energy into our finances; and so we should.

How you’ve been investing in yourself, taking night courses to stay on top of your game, reading relevant books and articles to stay current.  Know your strengths and weaknesses; and then make the necessary improvements.  We join social media like LinkedIn, Facebook, Twitter to stay in touch with our friends and peers.  Personally, I find it takes a lot of time; so why do we do it?   If we don’t, we feel like we are left behind.  

We don’t take our jobs for granted.  We could get fired.  We toe the line, speak with respect with our co-workers and supervisors and put in a good days work.  Or do we?

The workplace also has Labour/Employee Relations in Human Resources.  Why?  The cost of discord in the workplace is worth the annual salary of this person(s).  Litigation is very expensive.  Negative employee relationships such as arguing, back-biting, gossip, harassment, abuse, to name a few, tears down office morale and decreases productivity.  So does sick leave caused by stress at home. Money is being saved if we nip problems in the bud.

So why don’t we put the same energy into our intimate relationships?  Even if there are problems, deep down don’t you still love them?  Don’t you wish it could be like it was in the beginning?  Have we not chosen this person to spend the rest of our life with, for better or worse?  Is this relationship not more important than anything else?  It affects the quality of our life.

Yet, we hesitate to invest in our intimate relationships.  Somehow spending on the price of a good meal is easier than spending on relationship counselling. Don’t forget how costly a divorce can be.

You will never be disappointed when you improve your relationship.  You become a better all-round person.  Just focus on understanding yourself and on the interactions of your relationship. Perhaps you are aware of certain negative behaviors you just cannot overcome.  Don’t worry, that’s where I come in.   I’ve heard it all over the past thirty years.  You are an investment you can trust.  When you do the work, positive results will come.  No risk.   You have full control of the outcome. 

Is your intimate relationship worth investing in?  Are you willing to leave your ‘money’ in this vehicle for 5, 10, 15 years or more? That’s a lot of trust.  Returns don’t happen over night.  Financial advisors will show us the chart of how investing is a series of peaks and valleys. It’s just the natural flow of investing, as in relationships.

Fortunately, you will see results a lot sooner.  There will be ups and downs, but the return on your investment, your relationship growth, will continue.

Are there risks?  Sure there are, but are you not worth it?  

Want Permanent Peace, Happiness and Contentment?

Of course, we all do!  So why does it allude most of us?
 

Because we have to work at it in order to achieve it. It’s the same principle about having a healthy body. We have to eat well, rest properly and exercise in order to reach our physical potential. If we don't, our muscles get weak. We can't walk far. We can't lift much. We're exhausted. We all know this. Or ever have a cast on your leg or arm?  Once it’s removed you can see the deterioration. Now you have to get therapy to build the muscles back.

“I exercise my mind all the time”, you might argue. Oh sure, we accumulate and analyze data. We're always searching for information on the Net. We might even join a group to discuss the facts, but we're still missing a piece of our life’s puzzle. We could be doing all of the above, and still be yearning for peace, happiness and contentment. Why?

We need to exercise not only our bodies and mind; but also our spirituality. We've either just never exercised our spirituality to keep it healthy, or symbolically we had a cast on restricting its use. This leaves our soul hungry for something it can’t quite put its finger on. We know what we want. We just don't know how to get there. Everyone in the world wants peace. It’s in our soul, and we need it badly.

Imagine if we were as diligent with our spirituality as we were with our careers, our health and our goals. Unfortunately, we don’t apply the same discipline and dedication to our spirituality as we do to our body…....Until now!

I’m going to tell you how to exercise your spirituality. You’ll need commitment, discipline, and endurance. It’ll take a lot of focus, but I know you can do it. This spiritual exercise is Meditation. It’s only a ten letter word, but it really does pack a punch!  It’ll revive your soul and awaken your consciousness.

I have a simple meditation for you to try below.

However, if you’ve never tried meditation before, I want you to know your mind and thoughts may go in other directions. This is normal. Remember you haven’t exercised in a long time!  Be gentle with yourself, refocus your thoughts. Be patient with yourself.

Your mind is used to expressing itself with words and actions. You’re now training your mind to do something totally different. You’re going to hold that thought and direct it inward. Channelling inwardly will act like a key that’s going to open the Door to your Spirituality. We are all spiritual. Remember, some of us just haven’t exercised our spirituality in a very long time. It might even take some time to find that key!  But you will, with practice and patience, just like any other exercise program. Keep building your spiritual stamina. If your mind wonders, just bring it back to what you are contemplating gently. It’s okay. You're in training.

Meditation, in the form of a focused silence, acts like a spiritual laser, dissolving the acquired germs and emerging the original healing energies of the self, such as peace and self-respect. {1}

Perhaps this is a good time to ask what exactly is Peace?

Peace has the meaning of harmony, balance, order and freedom. When we are free of waste and negative thoughts, then we can exist fully serene, fully at peace with everything.

 Definitions include:

·        Serenity which is a feeling of contentment, satisfaction and a feeling of completeness.

·        Calm is where the mind is like a pool of water with no ripples in it, everything is still.

·        Tranquility is when everything in nature including us is in complete harmony and balance.

·        Quiet and Stillness is when there are no movement of thoughts. I’m sure at some time we've heard someone ask for ‘peace and quiet’ from those around them, requesting silence.

Effective meditation means to gather the positive resources of the inner self and then use them in the outer world. {2}

So let’s give this one a try.

MEDITATION

I remain absorbed in one thought, and in the stillness of silence,

 I am at rest, with a feeling of complete detachment from everything.

Peace is my original energy and treasure

 With concentrated thought I step inside and experience it.

Meditation is the mental exercise to link ourselves to that Unconditional Source.  As we make that link, purification takes place, liberating the mind from the limits of “I”, “my”, the past, resentments, and pettiness. {3}

So like anything new we add to our life, in order to make it a habit we must be consistent with our routine. When we physically exercise we need to give our muscles a rest. Fortunately, when exercising our spirituality, more is beneficial!   We never need to take a break from achieving peace and contentment. To begin a daily meditation routine, begin with 15 minutes in the morning, followed by 15 minutes at the end of your day. Be patient just as if you’re at the gym. You might feel you’re not making progress, but you are. As you become more comfortable meditating, increase your minutes to fit into your life schedule.

May you experience true peace, happiness and contentment in your life!

Ganga Daryanani, RSW

www.holisticcounsel.com

{1} Slaying The Three Dragons, Overcoming Doubt, Worry and Fear, By Anthony Strano, page 32

{2} Slaying The Three Dragons, Overcoming Doubt, Worry and Fear, By Anthony Strano, page 33

{3} Slaying The Three Dragons, Overcoming Doubt, Worry and Fear, By Anthony Strano, page 73

PROBLEMS AT WORK... CLASHING WITH YOUR BOSS?

Feel like quitting?  Possibly, but with the economy the way it is, you tell yourself to just put up with it.  After all, we've all heard how tough it is to get another job.   So one mind-numbing agitated day at work rolls into the next.  Is there a way out of this?  

Let me tell you a story about “John[1]” (not his real name).  After being unemployed for 2 years, he was forced to take a job at a middle management level with a 30% wage cut.   What choice did he have?  Bills had to be paid.   Then to add insult to injury, he was criticized on his performance.  He was too introverted, not sociable, not aggressive enough, not responding to emails fast enough etc.  He couldn't believe it.  What was a guy to do?

Needing the job, he kept his frustrations to himself.    He withdrew into his apartment and became best friends with alcohol.   Happiness eluded my friend.   He knew this vicious cycle had to be broken.    He took positive action and contacted me. 

First, we worked on the emotional and physical aspects of his well being.  He needed to have the right nutrition and exercise to deal with all the stressors at work.    Then he needed to learn the proper tools to approach the boss in a more assertive and communicative way. 

To succeed at this, we looked at his family background.   How did he become the person he was today?  To understand today you need to understand the past.  We needed to identify the negative cycle that he had gotten stuck in.   He knew he could trust me. 

With regular counselling and therapy he knew he was in a safe environment.  He opened up and just let his pent-up pain freely off-load.   It made such a huge impact on overcoming his low self-esteem.    He felt invigorated!  He recovered his self-esteem and was now more confident in dealing with his bosses and people in general.

---

[1] A compilation of various people over several years

GRIEF AND LOSS

 “While the journey must be taken alone, it need not be lonely”

Loving and Leaving is just part of Living; and it hurts deeply

 

Whether we expect it, or it sneaks up from behind and rips the ‘rug out from under us’; no one is really emotionally prepared for the loss of someone we love.   Our world will never be the same.  We feel dazed, numb, angry, or scared, and a million other emotions are flooding our body.  Feeling overwhelmed is an understatement.  People are chattering around us, but nothing is sinking in.    We’d give anything just to wake up from this nightmare, and have our life just like it was.   Unfortunately, that isn’t our reality. 

The hard, cold fact is that now….

Things are different…drastically different

And we deeply need to heal and be comforted

How can we heal when we feel so guilty?   So many things we should have said, but didn’t.   And now it’s too late.  Our mind torments us with a never ending list of regrets:  ‘If only ….’ followed by the guilt ridden ‘I should have….’    You dare not say it, but yes, you are so angry: angry with yourself, even worse - angry with them for dying.    You feel so gut wrenching alone.

In this emotionally fragile state, it becomes obvious how much we depended on our loved one.    Life will be so different without them.  How do we cope? Heal? Where do we begin? 

    

 Grief works its way through four normal stages (denial, anger, depression, and acceptance).   We all experience these feelings; and yes, they hurt.    So how do we heal from this? 

You’re already experiencing the initial steps of healing by working through the grieving process at your own pace.    There is a positive side to grieving, although difficult to believe.

This is going to be a time of transformation and deep personal growth for you.     For example:   We are forced to think about our own life expectancy.  Knowing first-hand how difficult grief can be, wouldn’t the loving thing for us to do is prepare for our own passing? We plan for our future so why not our legacy?  Are your affairs in order?    Some procrastinate and find themselves near the end of their life without the strength or focus to complete their estate plans.    So once your Planning is done, file it away.   Enjoy the time you have creating wonderful, happy memories with others.     Your friends and family will reflect on these times of how blessed they were to have known you.  

Nature is the greatest proponent of change. The changing seasons reflect that there is no such thing as permanent death of anything.  There is a change of form and then a new life comes forward every spring.

Change can be empowering and inspiring. It can be a bridge allowing you to cross over to another place that you would not necessarily have chosen.   We cannot shield ourselves from the natural cycle of life and death.   Embrace it.  Otherwise your life shrinks into endless repetition and shallowness.  

In our Western culture we just don’t discuss death.  It’s taboo.  Whereas in Buddhism, they remind themselves constantly about life and death believing that’s the only way to live a happy, healthy, wholesome life.

We’ve come a long way in our technological society but we’re still looking for inner peace and happiness.  We have more anxiety and inner suffering than a person from a primitive yet spiritually advanced village in Asia or Africa.  Why is that?

The Buddhist answer is awareness of impermanence and death.  Through this awareness we lose attachments to meaningless endeavours and gain a deeper sense of our humanity, enabling us to see the humanity of others.

What if you or a loved one gets a negative medical prognosis?  The stages of grief are basically the same.    You’re going to go through these stages along with your family and friends.  You’re going to want to see or do the things you have been putting off doing.

As in all grieving stages, allow everyone to express their emotions. This will allow the family to go through a phase of preparatory grief, just like the dying person.  The more this grief can be expressed before death, the less unbearable it becomes afterwards.   

The most difficult time is the final phase, when the patient is slowly detaching himself from his world.    It’s most important to recognize that the patient is not rejecting you, but needs to detach, to let go, to be ready to die.

Children need to mourn as well.  If parents reprimand kids for showing grief, they will hold their grief inside, setting the stage later for emotional and physical ill health.  Allow them to vent and you listen; be prepared for the guilt, anger and sadness.   Share your feelings too, and work through them.