Golden Years - Time to Reconnect

Ah, it’s finally here!  Kids have moved out and doing their own thing.  You knew this time would come.  All your ideas to renovate the house, go on long overdue trips, relax and enjoy the house without interruptions!  Yes!  It’s now ‘our time’.

You've been together for over 25 years! Gone through all the ups and downs of raising your children.  Worked so hard to give your kids the best education and opportunities possible. 

But who’s that person sitting across from you at the kitchen table?  Their face is familiar, so is their routine.  For over 25 years you've lived with this person.  But do you really know your partner?  Not really. 

How could this have happened?  How can you live with someone for so long, and when it’s just you two sitting at home – you haven't a clue what to say? 

Where did your relationship go?  Often we get so focused on the details of living, raising a family, preparing the kids for life, that we forget to put quality energy into our marriage relationship.  At the end of our work day we’re cooking, driving the kids to their after school events, helping them with homework, laundry (and the list goes on) we were just too tired to even notice that we didn't spend quality time with each other.  

You stopped talking about what was important to ‘us’.  In fact, there is no ‘us’.  You forgot to safeguard your relationship. You stopped sharing your dreams, or even having them!  You stopped talking, sharing and having fun together.

So here you are.  Sitting across from your long-time partner with nothing to say.  Worse yet, no idea how to begin.  But begin you must, because you want this time in your life to be exceptional!   You both worked so hard to get to this point.  

Yes, it’s that empty nest syndrome.  Never thought it would happen to you, but it has. 

So what should you do?  How do you proceed?  You’ve taken the most productive step forward by searching for help. 

I understand what you're experiencing and I will help you and your partner reconnect emotionally.  It’ll be better than dating!

How Couples Counselling (EFT) can help You

Longing to have the close connection that you had in the early days of your relationship?

Couples start out loving, but when things go wrong, they very often end up angry, insecure, distant or numb.  All couples fight about money, sex, the kids, etc….all the little things that feel so stupid to argue about.  But there is more to it than these issues, something underlying that is hard to figure out or know how to fix.  What are these things “deep down” that are so hard to define?

We believe there is a common theme that lies beneath all relationships, struggles-the need to feel connected, safe and secure in the arms of your lover.

IN spite of loving one another, you and your partner can get caught up in unhealthy communication or behaviour or patterns to the point of feeling completely stuck in the same arguments time and time again.  Or perhaps you avoid difficult conversations because you are afraid of starting a fight.  Both patterns increase tension and conflict in your relationship.  As therapists, we find that most couples are trying to solve their problems without a safe, secure connection.  But it most often leads to more of that “dance” of negativity which has engulfed the two of them.

My training in Emotionally Focused Therapy for couples makes having an emotional safe environment a priority in my office.  Once you feel safe to open up to your partner, the cycle is broken and a new emotional connection emerges.  You will begin to feel the intimacy and trust grow as you speak about your deepest needs.

Regardless of the state of your relationship, EFT can help you break out of the old negative patterns for good.  It allows couples to move from painful disconnect to a new way of understanding themselves and each other- viewing your partner as a safe haven and a secure base from which to face the world!

Can you affair proof your relationship?

Below is a link to a talk by Dr. Sue Johnson.  She provides an interesting view to creating a safe bond with your partner and thereby affair proofing your relationship.

This is Dr. Sue Johnson talking about relationships.

Your comments are appreciated.

Why Emotionally Focused Therapy May Save Your Relationship

Emotionally Focused Therapy can make you and your partner closer.

How to get results in your relationship that will last.

Some say EFT stands for extremely funny therapy, but actually it stands for Emotionally Focused Therapy — a short-term approach (only 8 to 20 sessions with a therapist) that gets great results solving problems in your relationship. EFT started in the 1980s and developed alongside the new science of love and bonding. The EFT therapist uses this science as a guide in every session so he or she knows how to get to the heart of the problem fast. We don't teach communication skills or focus on how your family history has impacted your relationship so much as help you really see the dance you get into with each other and the emotional music that plays and keeps you stuck in conflict.

We help you make sense of your powerful emotions and your relationship needs, and talk about these things in a safe way. No one has to be the bad guy; all relationships reach sticky points. We also help you know that it's ok to have relationship needs. Often we don't feel entitled to our needs or can't quite articulate them in a way that our partner can hear.

There are three stages to the EFT process.

Stage One You learn to step out of painful patterns so that you can both feel safe again.

Stage Two You learn how to reach for your partner in a way that helps them respond and come closer. We can all learn to make sense of our feelings and express them in a way that pulls our partner towards us. At this point, we also help people heal wounds such as affairs. Research shows that EFT is successful in helping couples struggling with these kinds of injuries move into forgiveness and renewed trust.

Stage 3 Focuses on consolidating your gains so that you can continue to handle differences well and find your way. Here we ensure that you don't just have a satisfying relationship, but a truly loving bond.

We work with all kinds of couples, including those who struggle with problems other than relationship distress, such as depression or problems with anxiety.

The rhymes and reasons of romantic love have been discovered in the last 15 years. And now that we understand it, we can shape it. Love relationships do not have to be hit and miss or a matter of luck anymore. We all need a loving connection and more and more of us are learning how to make that happen.

You can read about the new science of love and the way we understand relationships in Hold Me Tight (2008) and Love Sense (2013) By Dr. Sue Johnson, Professor

Excerpt from a blog by Dr. Sue Johnson.

Focusing - an Essential Life Skill

 Focusing can help you:

* Trust yourself more and feel less self-critical;
* Get underneath repetitive thoughts and feelings that go nowhere;
* Feel more connected to your creativity;
* Make wiser decisions;
* Have clearer boundaries;
* Cope better with pain and other physical challenges;
* Discover new choices when you’re feeling stuck;
* Be guided by your feelings without being overwhelmed by them;
* Take more responsibility for your own mental and physical health;

While focusing is a natural process, it can be developed, like a skill, to help you tune into your body’s own natural wisdom. Your body picks up information all the time about people, situations and experiences of which you are not explicitly aware. Focusing is a powerful experiential process that takes you beyond the limitations of your intellect to your innermost knowing. In this process you hold an open non-judgemental awareness of something that is not yet fully known but is distinctly felt by the body.

You are naturally focusing whenever you have the vague, nagging sense of something and then you sit with it until it becomes clear. For example, sometimes you might feel unsettled with a certain decision but can’t say why. Then, when you sit with that sense of “feeling unsettled” you suddenly realize what was bothering you. At that moment, you feel a sense of relief and clarity.

This information is registered in a subtle knowing, which is termed a “felt sense.” By attending to this felt sense we come to find out the essence of what we were picking up (as in the above example.) This, in turn, allows fresh information to come that can bring about new perspectives, growth and change. Focusing helps us to live closer to our natural gift of inner knowing (intuition), which comes from direct perception, as opposed to conditioned thoughts.

Focusing comes from the pioneering work of philosopher and psychologist, Eugene Gendlin (www.focusing.org). He first observed this natural process while researching the question, “What makes therapy successful?” He described the process as a series of teachable steps, so that those who are more disconnected from their body can reconnect.

I utilize Focusing in conjunction with other approaches that complement my work as a therapist. Regular practice of this natural process can have profound benefits for you both personally and professionally.

If you want to find out more about this process, please contact me at: 416.769.6810 or email:ganga@holisticcounsel.com.

Have you taken care of YOU lately?

Worried about your Emotional and Mental Health?

Emergency!  You hear the announcement from the pilot to put your oxygen mask on.  What do you do first?  Put the mask on your child, or yourself?    We're so focused on caring for others that we instinctually put the mask on our loved ones first.   We reason once they're safe, then we'll put our mask on.    Sadly, that would be a big mistake. 

However, it tends to be the way we run our daily lives.   We take care of ourselves (stop laughing) when we have the extra time (again, stop laughing!!!), putting our needs last on a long list of ‘to do’s’ which we never get to (stop crying).  

Where does that put you?  Are you on the top of the list or at the bottom?  If you put your ‘oxygen mask’ on, then you'll have the mental, emotional and physical strength to do what’s necessary to help those around you.  If you put it on your child first, they won't know what to do next when you collapse because you didn't get the needed oxygen in time.  They are alive, but helpless.

We're juggling so many things, it’s exhausting.  You can’t find any time for yourself.  But if you could you'd hide yourself somewhere to steal some ZZZZZZZ’s!!!!!

We all know sleep is important to our overall health, so we rest. 

We all know exercise is important to our overall health; so we set the clock an hour earlier to do running, or yoga, or whatever our choice.   We're learning about exercising our brains.  So we learn to play an instrument, a new language, or just learn something new. 

All of the above can put stress on your emotional & mental wellbeing as well as your interpersonal relationships.  If your needs are put on the bottom of the list, you may never get healthy on any level.   People around us will continue to ask us to do things for them, and we want to help them.  Unfortunately, your oxygen mask is not on.  Everyone else is wearing theirs, but NOT YOU!   You are in a precarious position and it should change for your health and wellbeing.

Take the time to review your actions.  Learn to say no.  Put yourself first, so that when you are stronger you can handle just about anything anyone throws at you.

This is where psychotherapy helps. I’m here to help strengthen your emotional and mental wellbeing so you can handle life’s challenges.   

  

Feeling Safe

Quite recently a friend of mine told me about a workshop her friend attended about ‘coping with stress” offered by her employer.   Of all the helpful suggestions she heard, this one incident was what she remembered the most. 

The facilitator was asking the group what they did to reduce stress.  Comments such as ‘alcohol’, ‘food’ and ‘sex’ were called out from the audience.   She then asked ‘who in this group had at least one person they could talk to, just off-load all their worries and fears without any judgement from this other person?’   Out of a group of 40 people representing all ages, gender and backgrounds only 2 people raised their hands!  Her friend was one of them. 

Sadly this is the reality faced by most people!  Some of these people are married!  Some in a steady relationship!  A member of a family!  

Worse yet, if YOU feel you cannot open up to your partner, and your PARTNER likewise feels the same towards you, your relationship is heading for serious trouble. 

Checking synonyms for the word ‘safe’ it gave some very nice alternatives.   ‘Protected’, ‘Out of harm’s way’, ‘In safe hands’, ‘Safe and sound’.    Absolutely, we all want it!

Where did the feeling ‘safe’ disappear to? 

 If you don’t feel safe, protected, or in safe hands, you’ll naturally back away from the other person.  You’ll withhold your feelings so you don’t get hurt, ridiculed, or laughed at.   It’s natural.   And because you’re withholding your feelings, your partner feels that.  And now they don’t feel safe.  They start trying to figure out what they did wrong.  They can’t read your mind to know what the problem is so rather than getting yelled at, ridiculed or laughed at for not understanding, they too pull away from you.    Can you see that there is no happy ending here?

Fearing ridicule by someone they love dearly, they don’t want to appear weak.  It’s all about emotion and communication.

Wouldn't it be awesome to feel safe, protected and in safe hands?! 

I have helped many people overcome this issue; I can be that one person you can talk to.