A man
went to see psychologist Ryan Howes solely because his wife wanted him to. She
wanted him to work on his communication and become more comfortable with
intimacy. He wanted to be anywhere but there.
Many men feel this way about
therapy.* And many men avoid it — even when they’re struggling and need it
most. They often see attending therapy as a “sign of weakness or inadequacy,”
said Jean Fitzpatrick, LP, a psychotherapist who has extensive
experience working with both men and women and whose practice focuses
on relationship and career issues. In particular, men over 50 tend to have
a harder time being vulnerable and putting their feelings into words, she said.
Our
society largely promotes a very rigid and narrow view of masculinity — real men
are supposed to be tough, dominant, independent and strong. They shouldn’t need
anyone. Ever.
Men still hear the echo of other
old messages, such as: Suck it up, big boys don’t cry, fix it yourself and
don’t think about it, said Howes, Ph.D, who’s spent 20 years
helping men with their work, relationship and emotional problems, along with
researching and writing on men’s issues. So it’s not surprising that many men
hold negative views about therapy and start to develop negative views about
themselves if they need help.
“There’s
a fear they’ll be ridiculed or lose face if they admit they have a problem they
can’t fix on their own,” Howes said. Many also find feeling emotions, such as
anger or sadness, to be uncomfortable or even unbearable, he said. Going to
therapy to connect to these emotions seems like a punishment or simply
ridiculous.
(Howes
has seen many men end up enjoying the process like “it’s an internal treasure
hunt.” After they feel an emotion, they get curious and wonder what the feeling
is, what they should call it and where it came from, he said.)
Therapy
also may be downright foreign to many men because they don’t really have deep
conversations with their friends. Many haven’t even had one. “They may be
surrounded by buddies who can talk all day about a number of topics. But
they’ve never told another guy about painful memories, deep fears or hidden
dreams.”
When men
do come to therapy, they prefer to tackle tangible, specific goals, Fitzpatrick
said. For instance, they might want to figure out how to navigate a toxic work
situation or fix their marriage after an infidelity, she said.
Howes and
his client (from above) ended up working on something he actually wanted to
work on. “After some poking around, we settled on helping him find a new
direction for his career and he started to come alive. By becoming unstuck in
therapy and his career, he also loosened up in his marriage and felt more
comfortable really connecting with [his wife].”
Howes’s
male clients tend to focus more on issues pertaining to work and seeking
purpose in their lives. (Women, he said, “tend to focus more on the issues that
impact relationships.”) For instance, a client might say, “I want to make VP at
my job this year, but I think I’m depressed. Help me fix the depression, so I
can get the promotion.”
As
Fitzpatrick also noted, “Work isn’t something ‘off to the side’ for men, any
more than it is for women. It is an essential part of their sense of self…”
She
encouraged readers to be clear with therapists about the help you seek. If you
don’t understand or agree with something the therapist says, let them know, she
said. It’s important for your therapist to meet you where you are and not to
insist that a feeling be expressed in a certain way, Fitzpatrick said. For
instance, a therapist asks a man how he’s feeling and he responds that he wants
to save his marriage. The therapist shouldn’t decide he’s too goal-oriented or
“needs to learn to express feelings more openly.”
Men and
therapy are actually a perfect match, Howes said. Many men love to solve
problems and fix things —everything from broken dresser drawers to fantasy
football teams to computer glitches, he said. “[T]herapy is a laboratory, sort
of a garage workshop where we tinker and problem solve every week.” Therapy is
a place to collaborate and work with intangible puzzles, he said.
Therapy
gives you the opportunity to better understand yourself, Fitzpatrick said. It’s
an opportunity to “feel stronger, more authentic and more comfortable with
[yourself].” All positive, powerful things that men — and everyone — can
benefit from.
* It’s important to note that men are
diverse. As Howes said, there are many men who do “love therapy, feel no shame
about coming and can’t wait to get in and talk about feelings.” In this piece
we’re focusing on a segment of men who have a harder time with
therapy.
