GRIEF AND LOSS

 “While the journey must be taken alone, it need not be lonely”

Loving and Leaving is just part of Living; and it hurts deeply

 

Whether we expect it, or it sneaks up from behind and rips the ‘rug out from under us’; no one is really emotionally prepared for the loss of someone we love.   Our world will never be the same.  We feel dazed, numb, angry, or scared, and a million other emotions are flooding our body.  Feeling overwhelmed is an understatement.  People are chattering around us, but nothing is sinking in.    We’d give anything just to wake up from this nightmare, and have our life just like it was.   Unfortunately, that isn’t our reality. 

The hard, cold fact is that now….

Things are different…drastically different

And we deeply need to heal and be comforted

How can we heal when we feel so guilty?   So many things we should have said, but didn’t.   And now it’s too late.  Our mind torments us with a never ending list of regrets:  ‘If only ….’ followed by the guilt ridden ‘I should have….’    You dare not say it, but yes, you are so angry: angry with yourself, even worse - angry with them for dying.    You feel so gut wrenching alone.

In this emotionally fragile state, it becomes obvious how much we depended on our loved one.    Life will be so different without them.  How do we cope? Heal? Where do we begin? 

    

 Grief works its way through four normal stages (denial, anger, depression, and acceptance).   We all experience these feelings; and yes, they hurt.    So how do we heal from this? 

You’re already experiencing the initial steps of healing by working through the grieving process at your own pace.    There is a positive side to grieving, although difficult to believe.

This is going to be a time of transformation and deep personal growth for you.     For example:   We are forced to think about our own life expectancy.  Knowing first-hand how difficult grief can be, wouldn’t the loving thing for us to do is prepare for our own passing? We plan for our future so why not our legacy?  Are your affairs in order?    Some procrastinate and find themselves near the end of their life without the strength or focus to complete their estate plans.    So once your Planning is done, file it away.   Enjoy the time you have creating wonderful, happy memories with others.     Your friends and family will reflect on these times of how blessed they were to have known you.  

Nature is the greatest proponent of change. The changing seasons reflect that there is no such thing as permanent death of anything.  There is a change of form and then a new life comes forward every spring.

Change can be empowering and inspiring. It can be a bridge allowing you to cross over to another place that you would not necessarily have chosen.   We cannot shield ourselves from the natural cycle of life and death.   Embrace it.  Otherwise your life shrinks into endless repetition and shallowness.  

In our Western culture we just don’t discuss death.  It’s taboo.  Whereas in Buddhism, they remind themselves constantly about life and death believing that’s the only way to live a happy, healthy, wholesome life.

We’ve come a long way in our technological society but we’re still looking for inner peace and happiness.  We have more anxiety and inner suffering than a person from a primitive yet spiritually advanced village in Asia or Africa.  Why is that?

The Buddhist answer is awareness of impermanence and death.  Through this awareness we lose attachments to meaningless endeavours and gain a deeper sense of our humanity, enabling us to see the humanity of others.

What if you or a loved one gets a negative medical prognosis?  The stages of grief are basically the same.    You’re going to go through these stages along with your family and friends.  You’re going to want to see or do the things you have been putting off doing.

As in all grieving stages, allow everyone to express their emotions. This will allow the family to go through a phase of preparatory grief, just like the dying person.  The more this grief can be expressed before death, the less unbearable it becomes afterwards.   

The most difficult time is the final phase, when the patient is slowly detaching himself from his world.    It’s most important to recognize that the patient is not rejecting you, but needs to detach, to let go, to be ready to die.

Children need to mourn as well.  If parents reprimand kids for showing grief, they will hold their grief inside, setting the stage later for emotional and physical ill health.  Allow them to vent and you listen; be prepared for the guilt, anger and sadness.   Share your feelings too, and work through them.

 

 



Couples Therapy

Ever tell your partner to"'grow up!"? Just can't get a sentence finished before they rudely interrupt? You can feel your blood pressure rising. Your heart's racing. You tell yourself,"enough is enough- I've had it " You are just trying to explain yourself and your partner appears to be going "crazy"! The
proverbial gloves come off and a shouting match begins. As usual there are no winners. You can cut the tension in the room with a knife, it's so bad. Whose turn will it be on the couch tonight? All this stress just from trying to have a conversation! It's become unbearable.

Well, you both were certainly communicating. The problem is, it was negative. It became destructive. From experience you know it will just keep repeating itself unless something seriously changes - what is a person supposed to do?

Step back and let me bring you both to a time when being together was all you ever wanted to do.  I know right at this moment that's hard to believe, perhaps you are not even sure that's what you want.

You've come this far, let me help you. My position is neutral. My environment is safe and secure and I respect both of your opinions. Let's work together and I'll help you recapture the love and intimacy you once shared  You will learn how to communicate positively, respectfully and constructively, only now it will be deeper because you'll both use the tools I'll teach you. You'll learn the art of listening, to be heard and to understand your partner.

MARRIED TO DISTRACTION

by: Edward M. Hallowell, M.D., Sue George Hallowell, LICSW, with Melissa Orlov

In our fretful, speed-up world, we can’t turn back the clock to the days of Royal typewriters,un-answered telephone calls (no voice-mail), or time spent alone without “electronic devices.”  But we do need to learn how to manage the chaos and opportunities that surround us.

Without knowing it or meaning to, we are training ourselves to be constantly on the alert for interruptions, to seek out messages incessantly, to process data rather than discover, think or feel and in general to lose the capacity to ponder, pause, imagine, or give full focus to anyone or anything for more than a few moments.

Indeed, impatience and worry may be our national mood.  Who can wait?  Waiting is so yesterday.  Today is hurry and rush.  There is so much to do, so much to worry about.  We have reprogrammed our nervous system; now we demand speed. Milan Kundera: “Speed is the form of ecstasy that technology has bestowed on modern man.”  Speed makes focusing difficult.  If you are not careful, you end up paying partial attention to everyone and everything.

When this new physics enters a marriage, you may start to feel lonely and resentful.  You might wonder where the man or woman you married has disappeared to.  You might also wonder where your own life went.

Speed, overload and anxiety have created an elephant in the room. This elephant is the force of distraction.  It can dominate all our lives.  How many times have you said to your mate or heard him or her say to you words similar to these:

“You say you don’t have time to talk now; but do you ever have the time to talk?

“I am sorry, I am completely spaced out on that; what were you saying?”

“We are busy all the time; but are we happy?”

“I am trying to be patient, but I really need some kind of emotional closeness or I am going to lose something important that I don’t want to lose.”

“I love you, I really do, but I hardly see you.”

“Sex, what’s that?”

“You laugh at people going to see a marriage counsellor, but I think they are brave.  We may benefit from seeing a therapist, but where would we find the time?”

 A new pressure has built up in couples. It’s the pressure to make time for each other. The more attention shatters, the more relationships suffer. Couples can start to feel distant and annoyed without understanding why, then they do what we all do: we blame one another.  But the root cause is the new world of distraction that’s grown up around us.
Modern life has turned people ruder than ever, with less sympathy, more self-centeredness, less emotionally available, and less able to relax and in general more difficult to connect with comfortably.

The impact on couples can be catastrophic, but it does not need to be. If you want to preserve love, you must:

-Insist on time with the person you love and make extended time for each other.

- Learn to say no to temptations.

-Have a clear vision of the life you want, what matters to you the most and make time for  that, with iron-fisted determination.

 

How to overcome: Insecurity and Low Self-esteem

If we say we are what we do (architect, painter, etc…) then the moment someone criticises our work, we feel anger and fear towards that person.  Why?  Because we perceive the criticism to be a personal attack.  As a result we build a defensive wall around ourselves and our behaviour becomes defensive and protective.  This is how many people live their life.  It is called: perpetual insecurity and it drains our self-esteem.

Similarly, we may identify with our job position e.g. position as managing director.  When we return home in the evening, unless we consciously release the role of managing director, we may find ourselves trying to be a managing director in the family, when they obviously need a father or mother, husband or wife.

 The same thing happens when we base our identity on our country of birth.  We become nationalistic and generate fear and animosity towards the people of other nations, even in subtle ways. (Discrimination)

 The two major sources of conflict in the world are between people who identify with their belief systems (religion) or the colour of their skin (race).  In all these examples we are simply identifying with a label.  We are not a label.  Neither are we a set of beliefs. We can change our beliefs by our own will.  They can be as impermanent as the clothes we wear if we so decide. If we were to explore human conflict, we might feel that all anger and fear and all the interpersonal and international wars to which they lead, have their roots in the amnesia of the soul.  It is simply our forgotten sense of our true self-identity, or mistakenly identifying with what we are not.

 

"Be relaxed,
Be present ... Be powerful,
Be inspired ... Be your true self"

The first step in conquering fear is not to be frightened by fear itself.  Start by seeing fear as a friend, not as your enemy.

Actually, it’s o.k. to be scared at times, it’s a way to keep you safe from dangerous situations.  Fear is often connected with something familiar ending, like a relationship, or the unknown.

We resist change, yet we are living in a rapidly deteriorating world.  If you don’t change, life will leave you behind.  Once you can accept change, most of the fear will be disappear.

Here are some tips to overcome fear:

1. Expect the best, but learn not to react when you don’t get what you want.  Just accept it and act calmly and powerfully.
2. If you don’t know what to do immediately, do nothing, wait till the answer comes to you.
3. Visualize being on earth to fulfill your duties (karma).  See each person also doing the same.  We are all in the same boat.  Accept everything that crosses your path, knowing that this too is “meant to be”.
4. Feel the freedom of being involved in life and being a bystander at the same time.
5. Take 15 minutes each day and visualize the condition you want.  See yourself with the object of your desire and become part of it.  Then do something that moves you towards your dream.

FEELING ABANDONED?

It is human nature to feel a sense of attachment with primary figures, e.g. parents and/or grandparents.   If this does not happen during childhood, then it becomes more difficult to have a secure, fulfilling relationship as an adult.  That’s where relationships hit a brick wall.

Some of the physical and emotional aspects of abandonment are: no appetite, light sleeping, anxiety, etc…. In order to heal yourself from deep abandonment feelings, whether it is from childhood or adult trauma, it is not necessary to remember the incidence, just to deal with the feelings.

The way I work with this issue is by first getting in touch with the feelings of the small abandoned child through a Focusing exercise (guided visualization).  This child is the part of you that usually has the feelings of insecurity, worry, aching for kindness, acceptance and approval.

After that, visualize the adult part as the strong and capable part.  Think of when you have felt the most successful and competent.  Then have the 2 parts communicate with each other.  The adult’s role is to parent/adopt the child and give him/her what she needs: acceptance, love, admiration, a sense of being heard, and a person to turn for help. The child’s role is to share her/his feelings and help the adult understand them.

It always amazed me, as a therapist, how powerful the Focusing exercise is for all my clients.  There are often tears of relief and love for oneself.  I see the change in their face at the end of a session, as if a great burden is lifted off their shoulders.  For individual therapy, this is a very powerful tool in my practice which is gratifying for both the client and me. 

Loneliness leads to increased levels of the stress hormone cortisol, altered expression in immune cells, poorer immune function, higher blood pressure and an increased level of depression.

It depresses your immune system, just like depression. Long periods of isolation can lead to feelings of helplessness, just like depression.  It makes us wonder how many people are taking antidepressants when maybe all they need is a “secure attachment and a hug.”

John T, Cacioppo, is a Distinguished Professor at the University of Chicago, who is one of the founders of the new, interdisciplinary field of neuroscience which has used brain scans to examine the ways in which social isolation impacts our bodies and behaviour.  Together with science writer William Patrick, he presents a fascinating assessment of loneliness and the need of social connection.

The authors lay out the roots of loneliness in 3 sections:

1. The person’s individual genetically based level of vulnerability to social disconnection
2. The person’s ability to regulate the emotions connected with feeling isolated.
3. The person’s expectation of others.

These factors combine to influence stress levels, immune response, and negative cycles of self-defeating behaviour. The authors claim that loneliness can be dealt with by understanding our fears and reframing how we think about social situations.

As a psychotherapist, I help my clients deal with the underlying emotional issues that cause loneliness.

Today we see people reaching out to others through: Social media networking: Facebook, Twitter, Meet-up groups, etc…

The studies report that a sense of isolation or rejection disrupts not only our abilities, will power and perseverance, but also key cellular processes deep within the human body.

Cacioppo and Patrick also demonstrate how loneliness creates a loop that reinforces social anxiety, fear and other negative feelings.  According to the authors help can be given by rediscovering those positive, physiological sensations that come during the simplest moments of human contact.  But that means overcoming the fear and reaching out.

Lonely people feel a hunger.  The solution lies not in being fed, but in cooking for and enjoying a meal with others.

What matters is not the number of social interactions, but the degree to which these social interactions satisfy a person’s need for connection.

Just like losing weight is a matter of eating less and exercising , rather than cutting out carbohydrates and taking over the counter drugs, the same way you cannot come out of your shell by losing weight, getting a fashion makeover, or go on E-Harmony to meet Mr. or Ms. Right.

You are going to have to be nice to people, volunteer at a place of your liking, and stop the destructive thought patterns.