Beyond Finances in Divorce

Here is a guest blog from a colleague that you may find interesting and informative.

Often when couples fight about money the conflict isn’t actually about money at all.  Money provokes all kinds of emotions including fear, greed and the need for power, just to name a few.  As a Financial Family Mediator I have many clients sit in my office and argue about money.  Mostly, it’s about who will receive the lion’s share of wealth that the couple unmasked or who will be the supporting spouse and who will be the receiving spouse.  But when you look under the numbers the discussion isn’t really about money; it’s about something entirely different.

Sometimes, it’s easy to understand what thoughts might be at bay during money discussions.  An older couple divorcing (family law professionals call them ‘grey divorces’) might understandably be concerned with their retirement cash flow now that they have half the pot and very little, if anything, left in terms of future earning potential.  Fear about lifestyle and funding medical issues can prevail.

Others approaching retirement within, say ten years, may feel a sense of insecurity around their financial future now that they have to share all their net worth and may have to put off that dream of retirement for more than few years.  Having put the kids through school, the goal was to create a retirement nest based on two incomes, not one.  Fear of the unknown and insecurity about money issues are key.

Other couples fight constantly about money issues but the underlying catalyst may be the values and beliefs they were individually taught (usually by their parents) about the value of things.  I also attest that one spouse is the ‘perceived’ spender and the other the ‘perceived’ saver in these marriages.  I preface ‘perceived’ because the couple may be doing just fine financially…on track to meet all their financial goals but one spouse is more of a spender and that can create a problem.  Validation of expenditures to the saver says more about the relationship than just money, after all.  Likewise, foolish purchases can also be a problem and be a more deep-rooted issue such as insecurity or a need for power, as examples.

So when I sit in my Mediations and listen to my clients talk about the ‘division of property’ and working through the financial issues surrounding their divorce, I listen closely for clues that might be missed like ‘security’, ‘fear’ and ‘power’ to help these clients to understand the underlying issues and make healthier choices when it comes to resolving their family division.  Knowledge is also important in making financial decisions so have a look at the financial calculators on my website and subscribe to Financial Divorce Services blog for more information.

http://www.financialdivorceservices.com/calculators/

http://www.financialdivorceservices.com/financial-smarts-blog/

Kathryn Jankowski, B.A., CFP, FMA, CFDS, AccFM

Certified Financial Divorce Specialist, Accredited Family Mediator

151 Randall Street, Suite 100

Oakville, ON L6J 1P5

(416)729-7981

Kathryn@FinancialDivorceServices.com

www.FinancialDivorceServices.com

Feeling Stressed Out?

In today’s fast paced and very hectic world, just about everyone will feel stressed-out at some time in their life.  In fact, if someone said they’ve never been stressed-out, would you believe them?

First I want to state that stress can be both negative and positive. An example of positive stress would be:

·      feeling anxious before giving a presentation

·       meeting new people

·       getting married

We have the same physical and emotional symptoms, whether the stress is positive or negative. For positive stress, we experience the high, the happiness and then we return to our emotional and physical comfort level. 

Negative stressors include, but are not limited to:

•  Poor health
•  Negative work environment
•  Employment issues
• Marriage discord
• Family problems
• Financial issues  

 These stressors result in situations where you do not feel or believe you have any control over them.  These situations may have been persisting for long periods of time, even years. 

You may see no end in sight and react negatively. You may feel threatened, scared and on edge. Not only are people today experiencing stress, but few are handling it well.  We respond to stressors with a knee-jerk reaction, it’s automatic and not well thought out.  We worry about what may happen next.  Your mind works through all the various possible scenarios you can dream of happening.  You are in attack mode, willing to do anything for self-preservation.  You are so stressed out, that you have become a nervous wreck.  Your mind is focused on all the negative possibilities, so much so, that you can think of nothing else.  Your brain chatters with all the ‘What If’ scenarios.  At some point in the future, if your situation doesn’t change, your health may suffer.  Instead of fighting back, you prefer to hide under the covers for safety, hoping your problems will magically disappear.  Unfortunately, that rarely happens.

It is said that 80-90% of diseases have a stress induced component.  Imagine if you received treatment and guidance on how to properly respond to stress, so you could live a more stress-free and healthy life! Would it not be great to have fewer visits to the doctor’s office, more productive work environment, happier marriages, and closer relationships with friends and family? That’s where psychotherapy treatment or counselling can help you.

How Psychotherapy and Stress Counselling Helps You:

Stress counselling will help you identify your stressors and your response to them.  We will explore all aspects of your life identifying your perceived causes of the stress. This is a very important step in stress management.  Remember, when we feel threatened, we believe we have lost control of the situation and do not have the ability to manage the problem.  Stress counselling involves tapping into your inner resources, empowering you to overcome the negative thoughts.  Improving your communication skills so you can react positively, appropriately and with confidence, can also reduce your stress levels.

In stress counselling you will learn effective coping strategies that you can use in any given situation to manage your stress.  Your negative stress levels will reduce significantly, thus resulting in a much healthier and happier life.

For free 20 minute telephone consultation, please call 416.769.6810

What is all this about love and romance anyway… and how does love work?

Dr. Sue Johnson says:

Love is not some kind of weird morass of sex and sentiment that comes and goes mysteriously.  It’s an ancient, wired-in survival code designed to keep those you can depend on close.   It’s the human survival strategy par excellence.  The bonds between parent and child and between adults are our safe haven in a potentially dangerous and random universe.  There are now hundreds of studies that show this and also tell us what the key elements in these bonds are what defines them, makes or breaks them.

This map shows us how to actually shape and create love to the point where trained guides, can now take a relationship that is going down in flames and show couples how to turn it around into - No, not just a comfy relationship - but a vibrant, close, loving bond. Moving out of despair and disconnection into the kinds of bonds we all dream about and long for.

For years we had studies showing that our way of working with couples shifted relationships into less conflict and more satisfaction.  But this is not the same as showing that it is possible to deliberately sculpt attachment - the special, deep emotional bond that our brain codes as crucial to survival.  This kind of bond predicts:

•         Strong sense of self
•         Good mental health
•         Resilience under stress
• 
  

It is now possible to deliberately isolate the key elements in love, such as emotional responsiveness, and in a short time to systematically guide two disconnected people to shape these elements so as to change the security of their attachment bond.

Terry and Tim (fictitious) came into our office talking about divorce. “He never talks” says Terry.  We have zero connection.  I don’t know why I stay.  I am lonely and mad all the time. “Yep, that is about right” replies Tim.  “All you do is complain and demand stuff from me and tell me how damned disappointing I am.  So I just shut down and turn you off. Just 8 weeks later, Tim and Terry see each other differently.  Their dance and the emotional music directing that dance has changed.  They can now see how they trigger fight and flight responses in each other, and how each of them gets stuck in defensives and distance.  After another few weeks or so, they start doing something incredible-they begin to build a loving, responsible bond. In just 20 weeks we didn't just change our problems. And we didn't just fall back in love, she says.  We went to a whole new level.  We never knew love could be like this.

Our study showed that, whether your secret insecurity is that you are anxious and always worried about being abandoned or dismissed, or that you are usually numbed out and defensively denying your need for closeness, this process that we call Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) works and moves you into new levels of emotional connection. The big shift is that people open up emotionally and become more attuned and emotionally responsive to each other's vulnerabilities and needs.  And we all know that this is what love is all about in the end.  It`s all about emotional presence, being there for each other, no matter what.

The 3 Keys to Creating Intimacy

Do you long for love, acceptance and connection, but don’t know how to create it? Intimacy can get lost when we forcefully to pull it toward us.

In creating intimacy, communication is paramount, but any related issues can often be misinterpreted. Often times, the communication issues have more to do with a self-awareness problem. They are in touch with their anger, blame and perceptions of their partner, but not connected to the tender feelings and longing beneath the criticisms and accusations. They are not skilled at communicating their authentic experience in a sensitive and respectful way.

There are three keys to creating intimacy in any relationship:

1. Authenticity

When we are authentic, love and intimacy have a much greater opportunity to grow. The evasion of our feelings through emotional defense mechanisms drives people away.  Authenticity requires us to tend to our feelings and experiences, allowing us to open up and be vulnerable to our partner. Being authentic means to take the elevator down inside ourselves in order to notice whatever we are currently experiencing.

2. Focusing

Anger, blame and analyzing others often mask the sadness, fear, shame and longing to connect in a deeper way. Founded by Dr. EugeneGendlin, Focusing is a method of getting in touch with your felt inner experiences. Rather than speaking from the rational mind, individuals delve into their deeper emotions, getting in touch with their genuine feelings.

3. Application
Emotional transparency is conducive to intimacy. Taking the time to uncover your authentic feelings and conveying those feelings verbally to your partner helps couples to develop deeper connections.

Finding the courage to contact and convey this deeper experience with the help of a couples therapist is the key to resolving conflicts and creating the climate for richer, more vibrant intimacy.

5 Tips to Conquer Summer Depression

Everyone’s excited about the fantastic weather.  The sky is gorgeous, flowers are beginning to blossom, invites to parties and barbecues are on the horizon, and people appear to be smiling more!  Happiness seems to be all around.  Hooray!  Summer is here!

Unfortunately, this is not the case for everyone. SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder) causes depression within individuals as seasons change, typically occurring as the days get shorter and colder (A.K.A. Winter).  According to Dr. Ian Cook, director of the Depression Research Program at UCLA, this can also occur in the summertime. In fact, the onset of summer triggers SAD in 10% of the population.

Now, for those of you that love the summertime, you may wonder why warmer weather would cause depression. Here are a few possible causes:

• Holiday Travel – Taking some time to ‘kick back and relax’ can be extremely expensive. The added financial stress can put a major strain on both individuals and their loved ones.

• Low Self Esteem – After months spent indoors with minimal physical activity, those who have gained weight may become self-conscious of their bodies.

• Heat – Rays of sun beaming down in full force can be difficult for some people. To avoid the heat and humidity, they may take refuge in the comfort of their air conditioned homes. This can cause those individuals to fall out of their regular routines by skipping walks, ordering unhealthy fast food because it’s too hot to cook, allowing themselves to become consumed by T.V. and more.

However, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Here are 5 tips to conquer your depression:

1. Seek Help – Being proactive about your emotional state is of the utmost importance. Even if your depression is only seasonal, the reoccurring impact can be devastating to you and your family. Find a therapist or counselor to help you come up with a viable solution.

 
2. Get More Sleep - Summer barbeques and late night parties result in shorter nights with less sleep. Make an effort to get to bed by 10pm, which not only helps your mental health, but your physical as well.
 
3. Exercise, Exercise, Exercise – Stay active! If it’s too hot, adapt your schedule accordingly by working out earlier in the morning or later at night when it’s cooler out. It may also be worth investing in a gym membership (if it’s air conditioned!)
 
4. Protect Yourself – With all the activities that come along with summer, you may be feeling overwhelmed. Make sure to keep enough time open for yourself. If you had planned to host a family barbeque but simply cannot find the time to accommodate, ask a relative to host it instead.
 
5. Think About It - Everything has a cause and effect. What is the reason that you deal with summer depression year to year? Do you associate summer with a difficult time in the past (a break-up, the death of a loved one, etc.)? Uncovering your unhappy connection with the summer and sorting out your issues can help you break the cycle.

Just because the calendar says it’s July doesn’t mean that you have to be happy. Comparing your feelings to the feelings of people around you is an unhealthy measure. Instead, focus on what triggers your feelings of depression and develop a plan to overcome it.

Do I really need to be Empathetic?

If you want to have a fantastic relationship with your partner, empathy is paramount.   It’s what’s lacking in many couples that I’ve helped.

First let’s define exactly what empathy is.   It’s likened to getting inside someone’s head and understand what they’re thinking and feeling in THEIR world, not yours.  It doesn’t mean you have to agree – just understand.  You’ve heard the expression ‘walk a mile in my shoes’ – that’s empathy.

Relationships are likened to a ‘dance’.  Together you move as one.  It feels awesome!  How easy would that be with someone as stiff as a board?  Two left feet?  No rhythm?  We can liken this to a person without empathy.

When you show empathy to another, you’re creating a strong bond that will help you get through the tough times.  Without empathy your partner will distant themselves from you.  They don’t feel listened to or understood.  You’ll be left wondering what went wrong.

Carl R. Rogers* explains nicely how showing empathy is a sign of strength of character, not weakness

“….you lay aside the views and values you hold for yourself in order to enter another's world without prejudice…..it means that you lay aside yourself and this can only be done by a person who is secure enough in himself…..  Perhaps this description makes clear that being empathic is a complex, demanding, strong yet subtle and gentle way of being.” 

In my practice, I’ve successfully guided individuals to develop empathy in their relationship. Do you need to develop more empathy in your relationship(s)?

* Dr. Carl R. Rogers, the creator of client-centered counseling, student-centered education, and person-centered approaches to human relations and community building is arguably the most influential American psychologist of the 20th century (http://www.carlrogers.info/).

Golden Years - Time to Reconnect

Ah, it’s finally here!  Kids have moved out and doing their own thing.  You knew this time would come.  All your ideas to renovate the house, go on long overdue trips, relax and enjoy the house without interruptions!  Yes!  It’s now ‘our time’.

You've been together for over 25 years! Gone through all the ups and downs of raising your children.  Worked so hard to give your kids the best education and opportunities possible. 

But who’s that person sitting across from you at the kitchen table?  Their face is familiar, so is their routine.  For over 25 years you've lived with this person.  But do you really know your partner?  Not really. 

How could this have happened?  How can you live with someone for so long, and when it’s just you two sitting at home – you haven't a clue what to say? 

Where did your relationship go?  Often we get so focused on the details of living, raising a family, preparing the kids for life, that we forget to put quality energy into our marriage relationship.  At the end of our work day we’re cooking, driving the kids to their after school events, helping them with homework, laundry (and the list goes on) we were just too tired to even notice that we didn't spend quality time with each other.  

You stopped talking about what was important to ‘us’.  In fact, there is no ‘us’.  You forgot to safeguard your relationship. You stopped sharing your dreams, or even having them!  You stopped talking, sharing and having fun together.

So here you are.  Sitting across from your long-time partner with nothing to say.  Worse yet, no idea how to begin.  But begin you must, because you want this time in your life to be exceptional!   You both worked so hard to get to this point.  

Yes, it’s that empty nest syndrome.  Never thought it would happen to you, but it has. 

So what should you do?  How do you proceed?  You’ve taken the most productive step forward by searching for help. 

I understand what you're experiencing and I will help you and your partner reconnect emotionally.  It’ll be better than dating!